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The Extinction of Men
Ramblings of a 30-year-old virgin man
by Jason Illian
August 31, 2005
Women must hold a degree in forensic investigations and have read at least three Sherlock Holmes novels to find a godly man in today's dating environment. A few cities around the country have gone so far as to trap these nearly extinct creatures and examine them in a controlled environment. From what I understand, the San Diego Zoo now has a Christian Man Exhibit, located right between the rare Black-Footed Ferret and the prized Asian Pandas. Female scientists are flying in from around the world to observe these creatures in hopes of understanding their curious mating patterns.
We laugh, but if the truth be told, our reality isn't that different. No matter where you live, there's a lack of powerful, authentic, Christian male leadership. We no longer have valiant knights riding in on mighty stallions to fight for a woman's heart—we have desk jockeys riding in on Tijuana mules. Most of us have trouble fighting the paper out of the company copier much less capturing a woman's heart. Many of us should be given the title 'godly' right after Paris Hilton is given an Oscar for her acting.
Now, if you're one of the select few men who are actually living out the Lord's will in the workplace, in your home, and at church, please accept my apology. You're not who I'm talking about. I know there are men in the corporate world and beyond who are making a difference. The problem is that there are so few of them. Godly men are like Vanilla Ice hit recordings—they're few and far between. We, as a male species, have neglected our role as servant leaders, and it's had a devastating effect, especially in the dating world.
The confusion with love, sex, and romance became even more obvious to me after I saw the new movie, The 40-Year-Old Virgin. While some scenes were raunchy and crude, it was interesting to see how our culture views a virgin man. Apparently, a man has to be a sweater-vest wearing, bike riding, tuba playing, comic book reading introvert to save his heart for his soul mate. It isn't a matter of self-discipline; it's simply a matter of opportunity. Those who aren't getting any action simply can't.
While this isn't entirely true, it's not entirely false, either. There's a segment of men who are virgins not by choice, but by chance—they haven't had the chance to be alone with a woman because they don't pursue relationships very often. Like the lead character, Andy Stitzer, some of us male church-goers are about as powerful as sponge cake and intelligent as Spam. Not that I'm Don Juan, either. I'm sure my past girlfriends could tell some pretty horrific, unromantic stories about dates I've engineered. The one where I had my date rollerblading in a miniskirt didn't go particularly well, nor did the ice cream and tilt-a-whirl incident.
But that's the point. Dating is a process. It's the training ground for learning how to be godly leaders, husbands, and fathers. We learn to love—and learn the power of the forgiveness of love—through our failed attempts.
While I don't think viewing a big box of porn is going to assist you in your romantic endeavors, as the movie suggests, I still found some important dating truths in The 40-Year-Old Virgin.
1. Dating is messy—Because our Savior was perfect, we often incorrectly assume his followers are going to be perfect as well. This certainly is not the case, especially in relationships. Very rarely do we say or do exactly what we mean in a romance. While God's principles are a guideline, dating is still more of an art than a science. There isn't one right way to date.
In the movie, Andy went to Date-A-Palooza, met a lady in a bar, and flirted with a girl in the bookstore before meeting his future wife randomly while working. I've heard some Christians say they would never date a person they met in a bar. Bars are full of sinners. Well, I hate to break it to you, but so are churches. God can use whatever venue he chooses to bring someone into your life. In fact, God likes to be unpredictable. Mary was a virgin when she gave birth to Jesus. Rahab was a prostitute when she hid the spies at Jericho and is proudly in the lineage of Jesus. David was just a young shepherd boy when he slayed the mighty Goliath.
If you truly desire unconditional love, you're most likely going to have to go through some life storm to get there. Through a failed relationship, through a sexual problem, through an abusive partner, or through extreme loneliness. I've had to go through a broken engagement and a shattered heart. But love's light is all the warmer now. Gentlemen, don't think you have to date perfectly to date. You just have to be willing to go through something.
2. Dating is confusing—Andy had three friends who wanted to help him solve his virginity "problem." Their advice was to have sex with multiple people as often as possible in order to get the physical thing down.
If you're going to date, you're going to get ridiculous and irrelevant advice from people, Christians and non-Christians alike. I've had Christian friends suggest that sex before marriage is not that big of deal, and I've had non-Christian friends tell me to wait until marriage. The moral? Stick to the Word. Narrow your focus to God's principles and avoid making emotional decisions. We all have friends whose views on relationships are a little skewed. If you can't name three friends with distorted views, you may be one of them.
3. Dating is tempting—Dating is tempting because sex is tempting. You wouldn't be dating the girl across the candle-lit table if you weren't physically attracted to her.
You don't have to apologize or feel guilty for being physically aroused. God intended for us to be attracted to the opposite gender, and he instituted sex as a way of physically expressing our emotional and spiritual desires. But he also instructed that the deepest level of physical intimacy (sex) should be saved for the deepest level of physical commitment (marriage). Despite the dating scene being messy and confusing, Andy saved his body for his soul mate. And at the end of the movie, there was a Karaoke, free-style dancing, big party to celebrate his journey. I think it's something like that in heaven when we save ourselves for the Big Day.
The down side regarding our current state of affairs is that we aren't the men we need to be. The upside is that we aren't the men we used to be, either. Some people call them "miracles," but most water-walking episodes are simply the decision of one man to follow the call of Christ at all costs. Even when it's unpopular and affects his personal life.
Until all men get out of the boat, you may have to go to your local zoo and examine a Christian male in captivity. Throw peanuts at them … they seem to like it.
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