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Suddenly Single
6 singles share survival tips for dealing with divorce or the death of a spouse.
September 7, 2005
Throw Stuff
Tips for the newly single:
1) Don't date (or get involved with someone) just because you're lonely. This is a recipe for disaster. I have a friend currently going through a divorce because her husband, who was a widower, got involved too quickly after losing his wife to cancer. My friend was in love, but after a year of marriage, he realized he'd just been lonely. Which leads me to . . .
2) Give yourself time to grieve your loss, whether it's from a divorce or death. Let yourself heal. Talk to a therapist and hang out with friends. Cry. Beat the walls. Throw breakables you don't care about (just not at anyone). Yell at God; he's got big shoulders, he can take it. Plus, he knows all too well what you're going through. Stock up on tissue and cry some more (crying is a relieving part of the healing process).
3) Go slow. Don't expect to be a thoroughly adjusted single the first year. Or the second. Come to think of it, some of us aren't good at it after years of trying. And that's really OK!
4) Realize you're going to have a lot of unexpected free time alone. Now is the time to explore your own interests, maybe those that were set aside during the marriage. Join a club. Take a class. Renew that passion for gardening, tennis, or archaeology.
5) Learn to be alone. I know a lot of people who hate this, but being alone can be a marvelous time for healing, reflection, prayer, growth. Yeah, being alone can be a real pain sometimes; singleness isn't ever easy. But when embraced, it can be incredibly special.
Ramona
Get to the Bottom of It
I lost my wife and my job at the same time due to some stupid behavioral choices. I found that as much as it was uncomfortable and painful, I received the best support and healing when I pursued recovery programs, classes, and counseling to get to the bottom of what happened. I became part of a loving singles group that's made it their mission to focus on the relationship with Christ rather than becoming a guy-meet-girl club. We've become a safe place for wounded people to heal and in the process have become a close family.
So my advice is to seek out such a group and trust them. Don't allow Satan to convince you that you're the only one going through this. Join in with others, participate, and the healing will follow. I can't imagine going through this without my church, my Walk by Faith group, and most importantly, my Lord and Savior, Jesus.
Otto
Find Beauty in Pain
I found myself single again after a 12-year marriage. I can finally say after being alone for almost three years, I'm experiencing a joy and contentment in my life I never imagined possible. Why did it take three years for me to arrive at this point? Mainly because there was a battle between what God wanted to do with my life and what I wanted to do with my life.
Today, I can honestly say I'm grateful to God for allowing me to experience loneliness, rejection, feeling out of place everywhere I went, and a host of other experiences that come with starting over. Because I felt like no one could understand my pain, I fixed my eyes on the only One who could. It's in chronic emptiness that we can experience being filled with the only thing that will ever satisfy. Over and over, my pain led me to my knees.
Making a personal relationship with God the number-one priority in your life brings on more healing that the best therapist ever could, Christian or not. Changing my life's perspective from "what's in it for me?" into "what am I here for?" was key for me in finding peace. Today I know I'm on this earth to give, not get. I'm here to serve God. He gave me his all, he deserves my all. The blessings we receive when we have God's perspective on our life can't be described in words.
If I do meet someone to share my life with, I'll be prepared for a successful relationship because this person will always have second place in my life. And anyone I will commit to will always put me second in his life.
No matter how many times I fall flat on my face in this journey of singleness, God is always there to pick me up—and he always will be.
Bess
Focus on Forgiveness
I wish I'd been given some good, practical advice when I experienced my divorce. But here's what I learned in the process of healing:
1. Draw as close to God as you possibly can. God is an ever-present help in times of trouble. Divorce isn't easy on either party, no matter who was at"fault."
2. Ask God to help you to forgive your former spouse. This is essential but may take a good deal of time to accomplish. Failing to forgive can become a root of bitterness.
3. Always speak well of your former spouse to your children. This exercises grace and starts you down the road to forgiveness. Spare them the agony you may be going though. It isn't in their best interest to know everything about the other parent's shortcomings.
4. Attend a Divorce Care program if one is offered in your area. (If not, your local Christian bookstore may have the videos to rent.) This is an excellent eight-week program, usually offered in a church,that helps divorced people heal. This program was instrumental to me, getting me off the "woe is me" path and on the road to gaining a positive perspective again.
5. Get to know who you are. You've been "one flesh" with your former spouse. Enjoy taking time to discover who you are again.
6. Put dating on the back burner immediately after a divorce. Running out to find someone else to love will only delay some pain you may need to experience so the healing can begin—as well as cause pain for the poor person you happen to find during your rebound time. Prayerfully seek God about when it's time to date again.
7. Trust God to bring the right person into your life!
David
Be an Individual
I've been divorced for seven years and found the transition back into singleness to be pretty rocky at first. After being married, it takes some time to start feeling single. And even when I'd begun to accept that, it wasn't easy to find my place. My first attempt at trying this mysterious Christian single life was at an all-area singles Christmas party. Let's just say it was horribly uncomfortable and I never returned to that scene.
My best advice is not to allow your primary identity to be "divorced," "widowed," or "single." You're an individual person with many unique interests, gifts, and attributes that have been with you through all marital states. This single-again transition is part of who you are and who you're becoming, but it's not the whole of you.
Join church groups that get together to do things you enjoy, like camping or crafting. Attend events with people of diverse marital statuses. Be friends with married people and single people. Use your gifts. Don't allow yourself to feel second-class or out-of-place. You belong in the Body of Christ. Don't resent your married friends; embrace them. You have a lot to offer each other.
On the really bad, depressing days (which happen to us all, single or otherwise), have a plan for dealing with the day—a friend to call, a walk to take, a movie to see. If you travel this journey well, in a couple years when people refer to you, they'll say, "Oh her, yeah she's the one who got our church members to volunteer at the crisis pregnancy center," rather than, "Oh her, she's divorced."
Karlene
Don't Limit God
I was widowed two years ago at the age of 46. In my difficult journey since then, I've discovered there is life after widowhood! Some lessons I've learned:
If you're really lonely and want to get married again, hold off for at least two years. I had some vulnerable times where I desperately wanted to remarry, and now that I haven't, I'm really glad. My husband "raised me" to be an independent person, and I'm now reveling in my independence (power drill and all!).Of course, I have to wade through periods of severe loneliness, but through prayer, time spent in the Word, and the prayers of friends and family, I'm able to get through this.
If you don't want to date or get married, don't close the door completely. Never say never to God's plan for your life! He may surprise you! Too many widows I've met have closed the door to marriage, and may be missing out on God's will for their lives.
Develop some Christian guidelines for dating, and keep them! There are some strange people in this world. A single friend of mine finally was able to shake off a potential stalker.
While you're waiting, don't keep still. Travel. Look into are Christian tours and mission trips. I took a trip to Guatemala with Canadian Mennonite University, and this trip changed my whole perspective and attitude about my future.
Keep doing social activities. I had to make some new friends, and I now have a great group of friends who love me because of me, and not because I'm the wife of someone.
Someday you'll feel like cooking and enjoying your favorite hobbies again. Working through grief takes time, but your "happy times" will return. I took some classes in watercolor painting to revitalize my art talents.
Most important, work through your grief by going a grief-sharing group. I went to two of these—one a Christian group, and another at a hospital. They were invaluable in my grief work.
Faye
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