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How to Ask a Man Out Without Asking a Man Out
by Jason B. Illian
September 28, 2005
Okay, let's get practical. It's one thing to talk about the perfect-world scenario—boy likes girl, girl likes boy, boy asks girl on date, girl accepts, they date and fall madly in love—it's another thing entirely when the dating environment resembles crossing a five-lane highway blindfolded and inebriated. The current reality is that many Christian women aren't getting asked out by Christian men, and this dating vacuum is sucking some women down a desperate hole. But don't lose heart. There are a number of effective, biblical strategies that Venusians can apply to increase their chances at getting asked out on a date. You just have to learn how to ask a man out without asking a man out.
I'm not necessarily advocating that women start asking men out or that women become the leaders in the relationship. I'm simply suggesting a few ideas that will help you capture a man's attention. More than anything, we need to realize that dating is less like a rescue and more like a dance. Both parties have a role to play. So ladies, break out your high heels and try waltzing to this the next time you see that mysterious man across the room …
- Be noticeable—In the Song of Solomon, the beauty asks Solomon, "Where do you tend your sheep?" (1:7). Properly translated to 21st century lingo, scholars have discovered she was asking, "Where is your Starbucks? Where do you hang out so I can show up there and be noticed by you?"
I think too many of us are holding on to the fantasy that God will miraculously drop the love of our life from heaven, gift-wrapped and marriage-ready. While he certainly can, this appears to be his least-used strategy. God definitely has a big part to play in your romance, but so do you. If you want to be noticed by that dashing hunk across the room, be noticeable.
I like to refer to it as "the wave." If you want Prince Charming to fight for your heart, then give him permission to fight for your heart. Wave him down. Engage him. Most women go to dinner or out on the town with a group of their friends. No matter how confident a man is, most men won't approach a woman who's surrounded by her three best guard dogs. It's just too risky. So, if you want him to come talk to you, catch his eye. Wave at him. Wink at him. Get up and go to the restroom at the same time he does. Hold his glance a few seconds longer than normal. Do something so he knows it's safe to introduce himself.
For the most part, there isn't necessarily a list of right and wrong ways to get a man's attention. What you do is more of a reflection of your personality and the situation. But don't be afraid to be creative or clever.
One girl "waved" at me recently after I finished playing pool with a couple of my buddies. I noticed this intriguing girl when I first walked into the room but realized she was with two guys and another girl. A closed door, I thought. But when I was returning the pool balls, she got in line behind me to rent the table. We struck up a conversation and I found out she was just hanging out with friends from work. She waved at me. I noticed.
- Be approachable—A woman's body language says much more about her intentions than her words. A guy is more willing to engage you if you and your friend are standing more shoulder-to-shoulder than face-to-face. Just like they taught us in kindergarten, create an open environment that invites others to join your group. If you're hanging out with a mixed group of men and women, you have to be even more conscious of being approachable. You can't expect any man—except the institutionally insane—to approach you if it appears you may be with another guy. Most of us want to get a phone number, not a black eye.
And if a courageous man does approach you and your friend, that's your friend's cue to do something else. No man wants an audience as he awkwardly tries to introduce himself and start a conversation. Remember, men have feelings too, and we're often very nervous about approaching a woman we don't know.
The key to being approachable is to have fun. Men are much more likely to cross the room and talk to you if it appears you're having a good time. Two of my single guy friends recently enrolled in a cooking class to improve their shameful cooking skills. On the first night of class, they realized they were the only men in the room. When they were struggling to stuff their turkey, who do you think they asked for assistance? You guessed it—the two girls across the room who were laughing, smiling, and making a complete mess. Two of them have started a friendship that could lead to more in the future.
Go out to have fun and you'll naturally attract men who share the same passion for life.
- Be flirtatious—Like sex, flirting gets a bad rap in most Christian circles. There's a time and place for flirting just like there's a time and place for sex. (Just so we're on the same page, the time and place for sex is called marriage.)
If, by flirting, we're referring to how a woman expresses her God-given personality around the opposite sex, how she enjoys the abundant life, and how she attracts others with her heart and not just her hips, then flirt away. On the other hand, if we're referring to a woman using her voluptuous figure to arouse lust in men or win sexual favors, then she's abusing her Jedi powers. There's nothing inherently wrong with flirting if a woman's intentions are admirable. It's when flirting becomes a sport or misleading that things get complicated.
So what exactly is admirable and permissible? Well, it depends on the situation. A couple years ago, I had front-row seats as I watched a sweet Christian girl flirt with my roommate at a volunteer inner-city clean up. The girl partnered with my roommate as they picked up trash around the neighborhood. Being only ten yards away most the time, I had the opportunity to hear how she engaged him in both interesting and silly conversation. After she tackled him into a pile of leaves, my roommate said he'd get even with her the next week. She said, "Why wait that long?" and then walked away. She had him hook, line, and sinker. He called her and took her to dinner a few days later.
Flirting doesn't need to be sexual, but it does have to be intriguing. Remember, a man can't get to know your heart and mind if he doesn't spend time with you. Give him an invitation to spend time with you.
Of course, all of this advice hinges on the premise that you actually go somewhere and do something. Einstein defined insanity as doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results. Most of our dating methods are insane. If you want to meet new people, you have to get out of your same old routine and follow your passions, whether that entails taking a cooking class, learning how to two-step, operating a power saw, or firing a hand gun. And when you do notice that cute guy, wave at him … it may encourage him just enough to ask for your number.
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