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L-O-V-E in 160 Characters or Less
Do's & Don'ts of ♥ in the Dgtl Wrld
by Jason B. Illian
February 8, 2006
We all know that Stevie Wonder called to say "I love you." The pressing question is whether he would have e-mailed, texted, or IMed his lover to say the same thing.
With Valentine's Day sneaking up on us, we're once again faced with the dilemma of how to express our feelings to our secret crush, co-worker, business partner, fellow Bible study leader, or significant other. With all the different communication options available—from webcam to e-cards—there certainly can be confusion. The easy choice for most of us uncreative men is to simply send a dozen crimson roses. But what do we write on the card? I like you a whole lot? I love you? I noticed you at the Starbuck's counter and I like skinny grande white-chocolate mochas too? I've been trailing you for weeks and thought you should know that the left rear tire on your Civic is low?
A few weeks ago, one of my female friends told me that her boyfriend of four months finally used the L-word. Naturally, I thought she'd be thrilled. But she wasn't; she was furious. Now, most females would call their ten closest friends, start a website called www.using-the-L-word-for-the-first-time.com, and pick out save-the-date cards, but this situation was a little different. The reason she was so upset was because he said "I love you" the first time over text-messaging.
Before you gather the posse and string up this emotionally-insensitive techno-geek, you may find it interesting to note that there are a growing number of young adults saying "I love you" in 160 characters or less. According to a recent article in USA Today, the number of messages sent via text has doubled every year, exploding to 7.3 billion in June 2005 (up from 2.9 billion in June 2004). Instead of picking up the phone or talking to a potential mate face-to-face, more and more adults are taking the easy way out by communicating—if you can call it "communicating"—through blurbs and emoticons.
And we're not just text messaging. The X and Y generations are also using e-mail, IMs, webcams, digital photos, e-cards, cell phones, and other hip abbreviations as a substitute for personal interaction. I've heard a handful of stories about couples meeting online at a match-making service, dating for months, and eventually getting married. I've also heard a handful of stories from upset singles who feel they were misled or taken advantage of through an electronic medium. So, what's appropriate e-mail/text/IM etiquette, and how do we guard our hearts in a culture of emotional promiscuity?
Most experts agree the reason young adults are using electronic messaging so abundantly is because it's a natural extension of our cultural motto: Instant gratification without rejection or explanation. But we have to be careful about depersonalizing intimate conversations and relationships. Our faith is founded on the premise that Jesus Christ built a personal relationship with his people. "The Word became flesh and made his dwelling among us" (John 1:14). In other words, he came down to earth and walked among those he loved. In his infinite wisdom, he knew we needed the personal interaction and face-to-face communication.
Of course, God has also revealed himself through dreams (Matthew 1:20), visions (Isaiah 1:1), and voices from above (Luke 3:22). This suggests there's room for both personal, face-to-face interaction and distant, thoughtful conversation. The challenge most singles face is learning how to balance the two types of communication.
As you can imagine, the Adams of the world have embraced these new technologies more than the Eves. Instead of asking women out in more formal ways, some men use their Blackberrys and Outlook to avoid rejection and determine romantic interest. They're curiously playing the field without playing the field. However, some women do the same thing. Some women entice men to the relationship table by sending them xoxoxoxoxo or :). There's confusion on both sides.
So, let's cut through the thick overgrowth of romantic confusion and discuss some guidelines about what's appropriate:
DON'Ts in Electronic Communication
- DON'T use e-mail, text messaging, or other cyber-tools to start or end a relationship. Relationships are the most fragile at the beginning and end and need to be handled in a personal way, where both tone of voice and body language can be expressed. This doesn't mean you can't use an Internet dating service to meet someone. You can converse or flirt with someone by electronic means, but a relationship doesn't really "start" or "end" until you've verbally communicated your intentions, whether by phone or in person. If a relationship is going to progress to a real marriage, then it must have real human interaction.
- DON'T assume you know a person's heart and intentions just because you've IMed, e-mailed, or exchanged text messages with him/her. Don't hang your future on a few words on a screen; reserve judgment until the other person actually vocalizes his/her intentions.
- DON'T say anything electronically you don't want shared with 10,000 complete strangers. It's easy to share your messages, good or bad, on the web.
- DON'T use your computer or cell phone to "play the field." It's easy to keep multiple people on the line through text messaging or e-mail, but it's certainly not respectful of those people.
- DON'T replace open, honest, face-to-face conversation with other forms of electronic communication. You can't substitute personal interaction with an IM or e-mail, but you can use these technological benefits to complement your personal interaction.
DOs in Electronic Communication
- DO let your personality come shining through. Some of us get nervous and shy around the opposite sex, unintentionally hiding our best qualities. Our online personas can sometimes help unveil the inner characteristics that may get lost when eyes meet.
- DO use your text and e-mail for relationship maintenance. We all have busy schedules, so once you're actually in a relationship, your electronic tools can be an excellent way to remind "ol' pooky-wooky" that she's on your heart.
- DO use Cupid's electronic arrows to flirt a bit, if you're comfortable with that. Dating should be fun, and it's OK to make someone's heart flutter if (and I want to stress this) you're interested in pursuing a deeper relationship. But just because you're flirting doesn't mean you've started a relationship. Once you're in a relationship, your electronic flirting can be a fun part of keeping things alive and well!
- DO ask questions to create an open-ended conversation aimed at getting to know a person's character and personality. If you meet someone on an Internet dating site or are given an e-introduction from one of your friends, feel free to e-mail a potential date about his/her interests. Questions such as "What do you like to do when you're not working?" or "Where did you grow up?" give the person an open door to share a little more about his/her personality. It's a non-threatening and casual way to get to know someone before an in-person meeting.
- DO use the electronic medium to share information, memories, and thoughts. Try to avoid expressing controversial feelings or issues, especially if you haven't built rapport with the other person, if it's a new relationship, or if the person may be offended.
When in doubt about how your thoughts may be understood online, don't send them. It's safer to pick up the phone or meet the other person for a one-on-one conversation, where you can clearly explain your thoughts and feelings.
| Besides, u don't want |  |
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Jason Illian is the author of Undressed: The Naked Truth about Love, Sex, and Dating, due out in October 2006 from Time Warner. Check out his website: www.jasonillian.com.
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