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The List
7 singles weigh in on whether or not they have a wish list for their ideal mate.
April 26, 2006
Not Measuring Up
I started my first list when a dear friend from church told me she knew the guy she'd just gotten engaged to was "the one" because her list had over 125 things on it and he fit every one of them. (They've been happily married for 10 years now).
Then I tore up my list when someone else told me it was the equivalent of demanding something your way from God. I think the exact words were, "He isn't Burger King; you don't always get it your way."
Then I re-wrote the list when I was seeing a Christian counselor who asked me to make a list—not of the superficial "I'd like it if he was …" stuff, but the biblical "this is who God wants for me" stuff—so I could see it on paper. Because then I could see how my then-boyfriend didn't have 3/4 of these qualities, even on a good day. I can't remember exactly what happened to that list, but that boyfriend was gone soon thereafter.
Some time later I started another list—one that included everything I'd always wanted in my future husband but was afraid to hope for. I held onto that one for a long time and even tweaked it from time to time, crossing off things I later saw as superficial.
Then a funny thing happened: I started thinking about what kind of woman a man who met my requirements would want—and seeing how far short I fell. So I tore up my list. I don't want to miss out on an amazing man of God because he doesn't rate enough check marks. Heaven knows I wouldn't measure up under the same scrutiny. This realization made me even more thankful for God's grace and patience as we grow as his workmanship. For now, I'm working on improving my own rating, becoming the kind of woman the tremendous man of God I hope to marry someday would want as his helpmate throughout this bumpy life-road we walk.
Most importantly, I'm getting to know my heavenly Father as well as possible so I can clearly see what and who he wants for me.
Danielle
A Handy Guide
After my divorce, I came up with a list. At the time, it contained things such as he must be cute, he must weigh more than me, he must mow my lawn, we must be able to sit and talk without the TV on. My list mostly contained things related to what I felt was wrong in my relationship with my ex-husband. Thankfully, I've matured since then, and my list has changed. What started as a petty, trivial list has changed into something more solid that includes religion, laughter, personality rather than looks, compatibility on life issues, politics. I think these qualities are foundational for a long-lasting relationship.
I feel it's important to have a list because it keeps my priorities straight and helps me stay focused on finding a person God would want me to be with. It keeps me looking for Mr. Right instead of settling for Mr. Right Now. My list is especially important during lonely times when I long to be in a relationship and can be tempted to lower my standards.
That said, I also feel we should be open-minded with our list. Nobody's perfect, including me. If we find someone who meets three or four of our most important qualities, I think that person's a winner. Mostly, I use my list as a guide.
C.
It's in the Bible
I think the list Christians need to follow is provided in the Bible. Galatians 5:22,23 lists great qualities for a mate—the fruits of the Spirit. The more fruits a person produces, "love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness, and self-control," the more likely I am to marry that person. If we follow God's will in all we do, especially as he outlines it in the Bible, he'll make everything work for our good. Tim
It Takes Two
I'm a firm believer in The List, but I also believe in having two lists. There's the list of mandatory traits: 1. He must be a God-fearing Christian. 2. He must be growing in his relationship with God. 3. He must be breathing. The other is a list of optional qualities that would fall under a wants and desires category, such as: 1. Plays music or at least likes classical music. 2. Likes dogs. 3. Likes to travel. 4. Is tall, dark, and handsome. Things such as the desire for children, a good sense of humor, leadership abilities, etc. can go on either list depending on what value you put on that specific trait.
Having two lists allows us to pray specifically while giving God room to work in our life. Instead of telling God, "I must have someone who's wealthy, good-looking, and shares all my interests," an optional list allows me to say, "Lord, this is what I feel I want right now, but if this isn't your will for me, so be it. I know you'll give me what's good, since you love me. I bow to your will."
I think believers need to feel free to ask God to fulfill our desires. We just need to remember that his will is more important—something I struggle with daily. Christin
Allowing Room for God's Surprises
I'm not dating from a list, although I was taught otherwise. Personally, I think having a list doesn't leave much room for spontaneity or the element of being pleasantly surprised to find love where you least expect it. If I say I trust God, then my only requirement on that list is that God allows in my life what and whom he knows is best for me.
There have been times when I didn't think God quite knew "my type," so I offered him my assistance, and it turned out to be a disaster! There's a certain comfort in having God as your matchmaker. He's better than any well-intentioned friend or family member or even any Internet dating service. Name withheld
Trading the List for a Mirror
I used The List for quite a while. I updated it and added different qualities from time to time. I still keep many of those ideas in mind when I'm considering a guy, but I don't view this set of characteristics in the same way anymore.
While I don't think there's anything inherently wrong with having a list, once when I was looking over mine I realized most of the qualities I was looking for were ones I didn't have—like being good at balancing the books or fixing cars, or being self controlled. They were all traits I could use a little work on myself. I realized I wanted someone who could compensate for all my weaknesses. It was a way to avoid working on areas of my life that needed help—sitting and waiting for the perfect person the come and do those things for me. I realized maybe instead of spending my energy searching for the perfect person to compensate for my weakness I should focus on developing those qualities myself.
Maybe instead of writing lists of what we're looking for in a spouse, we should write lists of qualities we should develop to become a better spouse—or just a better person in general. In the long run we'd become more well-rounded people, more able to be content in whatever circumstance, whether married or single. I, for one, am going to learn how to change that tire!
Anna
Father Knows Best
I used to have a list—past tense. Not now. After working diligently on my list and praying God would send someone to satisfy all those criteria, I realized something: God created me. I didn't have anything to do with that event. That also means God knows much more about me than I do, and therefore he probably has a much better idea of the type of person I need to be with. As soon as I realized this, I ripped up my list right then and there—all except for one entry. The only remaining descriptor on my list is one I think my Father is pleased with: Christian. Jennifer
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