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A Single Woman's Place Is In the Home?
9 singles speak out on whether women should live with their parents until married.
July 5, 2006
Failure to Launch
One of the best moves I ever made was to buy my own home. I was 32, living at home, and finally in a position to afford it. Eight years later, even though it hasn't always been easy to own a home as a single woman, I have no regrets. My house turned out to be a sound investment, and living on my own has changed my life.
I firmly believe people grow in ways they couldn't have imagined once they're on their own. I've learned to maintain a household, handle my finances, and rely on God better than I ever would have had I still been under the protective umbrella of home. I realize much more my need for God's guidance, protection, provision, and care in my life. I've also had the opportunity to use my home for ministry in ways I otherwise wouldn't have had. I'm in close contact with my family and friends, which helps keep me accountable.
I don't feel my living arrangements have affected my marital status. I truly believe that if I hadn't moved out, I'd be 40, single, and living with my mom right now. I know God led me to make the right choice. Likewise, I believe men should "cut the cord," leave mommy and daddy, and start their own household—with or without a wife. It's a huge red flag whenever I see a man around my age still at home. I want the man I marry to have firsthand experience being on his own, to know what's it's like to make his own dinner every night and do his own laundry.
Being single isn't my first choice, but I'm trying to make the most of the blessings he's given me—including my house.
-Shelley
Cut the Apron Strings
As a guy, I think it's ludicrous to think all single women should live at home until married. It should be a personal choice. Some women may feel more
comfortable living with their parents until married while others may not.
The only sister in Christ I know who's still living with her parents is 26 and seems to be attached to her mother via an umbilical cord. It's rare to see one without the other, and the daughter doesn't date. She's attractive, intelligent, and outgoing—but it also seems she's waiting for God to send her a knight in shining armor with a hand-written message from the Holy Spirit saying, This is the one. Personally, I wouldn't want to be the man she eventually marries. Think of all the challenges. A new marriage is tough enough as it is without having to be with someone whose living arrangement hasn't changed since birth.
I've known quite a few sisters in Christ who have moved out into a home of their own. Some lived alone and some with other sisters; most of them are now married to good Christian men.
-Ed
Sense and Sensibility
We're all covenant people, longing for close relationships. We're hard-wired that way by our Creator. It's truly "not good" for a man or woman to live alone. Family is God's design for us all.
This reminds me of a particular family I've known for years. One daughter, 25, who's never been in a serious relationship, remained at home with her parents and siblings. One man saw her worth, approached her father, asked to court her, later asked for her hand in marriage, and was gladly granted that as well. She treasured the covering, protection, and companionship she received under her father's roof. Many times her man came to her home; they were never alone, everything was in plain view. Let me assure you, when their wedding day arrived, it was a celebration the likes of which I've rarely seen. We all were well aware of the purity and integrity of their entire relationship.
This woman's older sister, 30, and every bit as beautiful outwardly, eschewed her father's roof, preferring the freedom of her own place. Various men came and went into her life. She had no qualms about bringing them to her own home to entertain and visit. Eventually, when one of them was over, he spent the night. They conceived a child. They later married, but under the shadow of the shame and guilt of having transgressed God's law and violated the trust placed in them by the rest of the family and church. Theirs was not the joyous celebration her sister's was. No one doubts that, had she remained under her father's roof as did her younger sister, she may well be married to that same man but would have none of the shame and strain they now bear.
Anecdotal? Certainly. Relevant? Equally. Having watched many families with their adult children remaining at home until marriage, and many others where they went out on their own, mostly severing the close ties with their families, there is little doubt in my mind that most single women should remain at home until married. Should everyone do this? No, in many families this wouldn't be healthy. My own is one such family. But the principle applies: Living alone is not a good thing. There are alternatives that can provide the sort of relational, covenantal, accountable, safeguarding situation a godly home provides. I've been able to avail myself of some of those in the past. For now, I live alone--and hate it. I know I need those things, and struggle to find and implement them in other ways.
In my search for a bride, whenever I meet a woman who lives alone, I'm wary—and I look hard to see if she has those sorts of covenantal, protective, accountable mechanisms in her life. And no way will I accompany a woman to her solo living situation unless others are also present. Prudish? You bet—and wise into the bargain.
-Nick
Declaration of Financial Independence
I'm a 34-year-old single female, and I'm proud that I've owned my own home for the past seven years. Home ownership has always been a goal of mine; I was proud to accomplish it, married or not. I didn't want to put my life on hold until I had a husband. I think God wants me to live a full life now, no matter what my marital status is.
God's brought a wonderful man into my life recently, and that's just added to the fullness of my life. My boyfriend is impressed with the fact that I'm a homeowner. He told me it demonstrates my financial responsibility. And it's important to me to be financially independent so my boyfriend knows I'm not interested in him for his money, but for who he is as a person. In the past, many women needed to marry for the financial support. I think modern methods are a vast improvement.
-Barb
Too Tempting
I'm 29 and I live in Uganda, East Africa. In our culture, people have varied opinions about single women staying or leaving home. Due to increased educational opportunities for women, many are able to pay their own bills and move out of their parents' home at least by the time they're 30.
I lived on my own until some men broke into my home in the middle of the night and threatened me. Since then, the prospect of living alone scares me. I currently live with my parents.
While I was living alone, I got involved in unhealthy relationships. I found it easier to let guys stay over for a night. Even though I'm a Christian, I found it difficult to resist the temptation of premarital sex, a decision I regret now.
Now that I'm back with my parents, I make sure I'm home early. If a single woman must live outside her parents' home, I think she should have a roommate or housemate to help create security and prevent temptation.
-Rebecca
Alone Time with God
I'm 27, and after six years of living alone, the thought of staying in my parents' home until married seems absurd. My parents are a huge support in my life. They shouldn't have to worry about a 27-year-old "child" who should be provided for or brokered into marriage. What happens if I don't marry and they die?
When I think about the type of man looking for a woman who still lives at home, I imagine him to be controlling, very parental, and ready to settle. Because this woman wouldn't know herself, she wouldn't even understand what it means to take care of herself. How could someone expect her to take on a new household and family? I wouldn't want someone who was looking a child. I need a partner not a parent.
While living alone hasn't taught me everything I need know, it's taught me things I didn't even know I needed to learn. I had head knowledge of things such as financial responsibility, time management, and personal faith. But it wasn't until I lived alone that I discovered how much my heart needed to know these things as well. I needed to know I could take care of myself and that I was worth something to God apart from my relationship to anyone else.
When I first moved from Small Town USA to the Big City, I was scared to death. I cried when my mom and dad left to go back home, and I certainly didn't want or even expect to spend the next six years, and counting, alone. I've experienced some of the darkest periods of my life here. Yet, I have no regrets. In fact, I celebrate the fact I've learned about finance, cars, home maintenance, ownership, theatre, art, and culture. I've learned to appreciate the diversity of this world and see that it needs compassion more than judgment. Most importantly, though, I've learned about me and God. I've found my boundaries. I know more about what I can accomplish and when to recognize I need help. God's given me a purpose that extends beyond the limits I'd previously imposed upon myself. I've found he can give me the strength and grace to handle life alone or surrounded by people. I know I wouldn't have found that living a guarded and supervised life.
-Gina
Setting Yourself Up for Sin
I think it's wiser for a woman to live at home with her parents until she's married in order to have that protection and accountability. Living at home isn't an option for me, but God supplied me with a surrogate family to live with. I have people looking out for me, and as a result a man couldn't easily take advantage of me. With accountability to be back home at night, it helps me resist the temptation of advances from men.
I think Genesis 2:24—"For this reason a man will leave his father and mother and be united to his wife, and they will become one flesh."—encourages singles to stay at home until they're married. In our individualistic society, you're supposed to get out on your own as soon as possible in order to be considered a responsible adult. I think setting yourself up for sin is more irresponsible.
Another benefit to living at home is we're created for companionship. Isolation is a breeding ground for most people to feel even more lonely than if they were surrounding by people who loved them.
God knows I'd like to get married and live out on my own, but he also knows me better than I know myself. I believe staying with my parents is better—and is also God's best.
-Rachel
A Sense of Security
I'm a 35-year-old female who still lives at home. Many friends, family members, and even employers have criticized me for living at home. I'm not a "mooch;" I pay my share of the bills and take care of certain household responsibilities.
Living at home affects my actions and accountability, as I'm an only child and my father is somewhat protective. We've had our disagreements about this, but it's taught me to work the problem out with my father. We've come to a mutual respect and understanding.
Living at home gives me a great sense of security and protectedness, especially when life gets tough. Sometimes the protection gets a bit overbearing, but I've come to appreciate it--especially when I see my friends who don't have a father or big brother to look out for them, and they suffer for it.
-Nicole
Relying on Dad Instead of Our Father
When you stay at home till you're married you don't learn that you need to do laundry, buy groceries, clean your house, pay bills, balance a checkbook. If you've never had any problems, how can you know that God will provide your every need? How will you know and understand the full meaning of commitment if you have a cushion to fall back on instead of Jesus? At the first sign of trouble in a marriage, instead of rolling up your shirtsleeves and working it out with God, a person who's always been at home will be tempted to run back to her/his parents' house.
For accountability, date in a group or with another married couple. There are many means for dating protection. Have some brothers from church check the guy out, let discernment lead you to a chaperone. A person needs some independence to learn what God will do, to have the security in God they need before they get married.
It's been proven that it takes a circle of friends who are different to complete the pie of your relational needs. Independence teaches you that God is all you need and that he will place those people in your life to help you along the way. Being at home till married doesn't teach you that.
-Sandra
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