Home > Singles > Single Minded
Surprised by Marriage
5 common misconceptions about married life
excerpted from Pocket Guide to Adulthood
by Jason Boyett
July 19, 2006
In recent years, marriage has been a permanent fixture in the usually fleeting world of the television news ticker. There was the whole Federal Marriage Amendment flap. You had all the healthy, kind discussions about gay marriage. Celebrity weddings and divorces are a weekly occurrence. Every other reality show these days involves people getting married on TV or meeting their future spouse on TV or switching their spouse with someone else's spouse on TV.
And despite popular anxiety about cohabiting couples or commitment-phobic twentysomethings, people in the twenty-five to thirty-four age bracket still see marriage as the model living arrangement. According to the U.S. Census Bureau, 50 percent of men and 57 percent of women this age are married and living with their spouse.1
That doesn't mean the "model living arrangement" is always so pleasant, especially for a generation whose parents set the standard for divorce back in the '70s and '80s. We've all heard the statistics. First marriages have a failure rate of more than 40 percent.2 Second marriages end in divorce 60 percent of the time. Many young people experiment with "starter marriages," noncommittal practice runs that hardly count.3
The basic question is why? And despite culture warriors' attempts, the answer is probably not something that can be blamed on gay marriage or unfaithful celebrities. While there are plenty of reasons young marriages flatline, the biggest culprits seem to be the participants themselves and our own misplaced expectations. Despite our parents' failures, we think we know what marriage is. After all, we've seen it work ... on TV. As kids, it was the 11:00 p.m. slow dance of Cliff and Claire Huxtable. Maybe today it's Homer and Marge Simpson, still together after all these years. But the reality rarely matches our high-def dream. And when that happens, we scrap the covenant. Wasn't meant to be. Irreconcilable differences.
The differences aren't the problem, though; our irreconcilable expectations are. Before we say "I do," perhaps we should look a little more closely at those expectations and, well, dump them out of the box. Here's what marriage isn't.
A Cure For Loneliness
In a society where we're plugged in twenty-four hours a day, where "community" is more often used to describe the blogosphere than an actual neighborhood, people long to connect intimately with someone. Our culture puts great emphasis on hooking up, whether at a physical, emotional, or psychological level. Being alone is hard.
We see couples everywhere—in restaurants, on TV, on the subway or train or sidewalks on the way to work—and feel like something is missing from our un-coupled lives. Humans have an innate need to belong, and who better than a husband or wife to provide that acceptance and intimacy and comfort?
Best-case scenario, that's what a good marriage does. But we all know couples in warm, loving relationships who remain lonely. Why? After all, they've found a perfect mate, someone to possibly fulfill their need for intimacy. But that's a heavy load for one person to bear, which is why plenty of lonely single people become lonely married people. If your destination in marriage is to find someone who'll satisfy your need to belong, your next stop may be heartbreak.
An Escape From Boredom
In 1991, U.S. News & World Report reported that half of U.S. workers said the reason they had a job—aside from the necessity of earning a living—was to keep from being bored. In a separate survey, 25 percent of teenagers said they drink alcohol for the same reason.4 Drug abuse experts almost always cite boredom as a leading excuse for experimenting with drugs. That's where all the talk about idle minds and the devil's workshop comes from—we do stuff simply because there's nothing else to do.
How many people get married for the same reason, because it's the next step after graduating college and getting a job and exploring the dating scene? Life gets dull, and it's easy to convince yourself that a serious relationship will make the day more bearable. Marriage is built-in happiness, right? Automatic entertainment. Regular conversation. At least you get someone to watch Conan with.
Unfortunately, this misses the true cause of boredom, which isn't necessarily an external lack of stimulus, but rather an internal one. You're not bored because you've seen every celeb-reality show on VH1 at least thirty times. You're bored because you can't come up with something better to do.
Getting married in order to generate a little excitement in your life is a terrible motivation. Why? Because once the merry-go-round stops—once the novelty wears out—you'll immediately start looking for the next ride.
A Rowdy Sex Romp
As the old experiment goes, put a penny in a jar for every time you have sex during the first year of marriage. Then, beginning with your second year, take a penny out every time you do the horizontal two-step. Chances are, you'll still be pulling pennies a couple years later.
Does the lovin' stop after twelve months of wild newlywed sex? Not by any means. But is every night a page out of the Kama Sutra? Nope. Guys, your wife doesn't want to be groped every time you climb in bed. And ladies? Keeping the romance alive is hard work for your husband. Sometimes we just want to watch SportsCenter.
Still, with communication and sensitivity, sex can (and should) remain a vital part of marriage. It's the ultimate bonding activity for a couple to share. But remember it's not the only activity. Don't expect marriage to be a fifty-year honeymoon of libido and lipstick.
Makeover Time
How often have you heard this? "He's not really interested in the stuff I like to do, but that'll change once we get married." Few marriages that launch from that pad end up happily ever after.
If there's anything you should know about marriage, it's this: Saying "I do" may change your legal relationship, but it doesn't change your character. An unhappy single person will be an unhappy married person. A thoughtless single person will be a thoughtless married person. An obnoxious single person will be an obnoxious married person. Don't enter a marriage expecting to remodel your husband or wife into someone else. You can't. People have baggage, stuff we've wheeled around since high school. It's been with us so long, few of us have the willpower to drop it before entering the wedding chapel. The flaws are a part of the package. They follow us right down the aisle, up the steps, on the honeymoon, and over the threshold.
Don't marry someone for who they might become. Marry them for who they are right now. Otherwise, they're likely to become nothing more than your ex.
An Easy Transition
There's a reason romantic movies end, rather than begin, with a wedding. It's because that's when the hard stuff starts. You have to unpack after the honeymoon. You have to write insincere thank-you notes for the tacky bathmats. You have to get used to sharing a closet and a sink with another person. The gap between singlehood and marriage is huge.
"I wasn't ready for all the changes," a married friend once told me about those first few months. "I could deal with moving into her place and giving up my furniture. But what surprised me was having to deal with her emotions. When you're dating, you always see her best face. Once you get married, you see everything."
Women don't have it any easier. Many secretly wince at the notion of placing their fate alongside that of another, worrying that the role of wife might eat into their individuality. Toss in holidays spent with another family and comparisons with Mom's cooking, and you've got explosive issues to deal with from the get-go.
There's no way around these adjustments. In order for the marriage to last more than a week or two, you'll have to find a way to cope. You won't be taken by surprise if you expect hiccups going in.
Final Words
Now, a disclaimer. We've been discussing what marriage is not, but here's what marriage is: Marriage is wonderful. There is no better way to make it through life than with a partner who loves you despite your morning breath and your bed hair. Marriage is deeply satisfying, incredibly fulfilling, and loads of fun. It softens the harsh edges of life. It brings joy and hope and laughter. It usually involves lots of sex.
But relationships are never easy, and marriage isn't something to rush into without thinking. When so many marriages are ending in divorce, it's clear that a lot of us are taking the plunge without knowing what's in the pool. Expectations aren't being met, and folks are climbing out hurt and disappointed.
Don't make that mistake. Look forward to the benefits, but expect the challenges, too. Know your potential mate. Temper your expectations with realism. Then, jump in with both feet. You're gonna like it.
Jason Boyett writes books that blend pop culture, practical advice, modern spirituality, and humor. His latest release, Pocket Guide to the Bible (RELEVANT Books), is a handy reference to a book that's wilder, weirder, and funnier than most people expect. This article is excerpted from his book Pocket Guide to Adulthood. © 2005. Published by RELEVANT Books. Used with permission.
Notes
1. Data from 2000 U.S. Census Bureau projections: National Vital Statistics Reports at the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention.
2. The commonly cited statistic is that 50 percent of marriages end in divorce. This number is usually arrived at by comparing the number of marriages and divorces in a given year—which usually occur at a 2:1 clip, thus the conclusion of a 50 percent divorce rate. However, that fails to consider marriages in total (especially people who are already married and have been for a long time). A better statistic is this: Of first marriages, 43 percent end in separation or divorce within fifteen years. Source: Matthew Bramlett and William Mosher. "First Marriage Dissolution, Divorce, and Remarriage: United States," Advance Data from Vital and Health Statistics: No. 323 (Hyattsville, MD: National Center for Health Statistics) p. 21.
3. Check out Pamela Paul's intriguing The Starter Marriage and the Future of Matrimony (New York: Random House, 2003). In it, Paul—an editor for American Demographics—examines the growing phenomenon of twentysomethings who are getting married and divorcing within a few years before kids arrive. She calls this low-commitment first union a "starter marriage" and discusses its impact upon Generation X.
4. U.S. News & World Report (June 24, 1991) p. 14.
We welcome your feedback and brainstorms at: SinglesNewsletter@ChristianityToday.com
Sign up for the Singles Newsletter and receive a new article from Camerin plus community updates in your inbox every other week!
Copyright © 2006 ChristianityToday.com
| 
