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To say my friend Jenny was excited would be an understatement.

This single sister had accepted an invite to a pre-service Starbucks gathering with a guy from her church. In anticipation of their outing, she'd gotten a manicure and a new blouse. And she'd told her mother.

As she recounted her elaborate preparations, I fought the urge to temper her enthusiasm. I was happy with her and for her, but I was a tad fearful she was getting too worked up. What if this was just a friendly get-together in the guy's mind? What if they didn't hit it off? At this rate, I knew my friend would be totally crushed. "It's not like he asked you to marry him," I wanted to say in soothing tones. "It's just coffee."

But then I remembered back several years earlier when I'd spent the better part of an afternoon in a mint-green facemask before meeting a male coworker at the dollar theater. And I may have changed clothes about five times before deciding on the just-right outfit.

Staring in the mirror while washing off the green goo, I remember telling myself to dial it down a couple notches. "It's just a casual movie outing. Relax." But at the time, it had been over a year since a guy had extended such an invite—or seemingly even noticed my existence. Finally, I'd breathed in relief after hanging up the phone from his call. And though most of me recognized that the thought was so premature it needed a whole new word other than premature, a little other part of me wondered if he could be "the one." It's just that when dating options don't come around very often, each one carries so much weight. So much pent-up hope. And so much pressure.

To make matters worse, apparently the male of the species can smell this Crazy Think a mile away. And when they do, they run for the hills. But really, who can blame them, when on date one they sense a woman mentally picking out their China pattern and naming their future children? Unfortunately their understandable disappearance only furthers the datelessness that helped create the craziness in the first place—continuing the vicious cycle.

But I've heard from a couple of my spies in the male camp that men aren't immune to the Good Grief It's Just Coffee Craziness. Recently a guy friend told me about hanging out with a single buddy, who talked at length about a woman from their church he'd been crushing on for months. "Why don't you ask her to coffee sometime?" my friend asked. The reply? "Well, I'd like to get to know her a bit more first. See if she'd say yes. And see if she really is marriage material."

I listened to my friend's story with a little bit of glee, glad that the phenomenon is equal opportunity. But I also felt dismay, thinking this is part of why there's a dating drought in Christian circles. We're paralyzed by seriousness and fear.

While the crazy-intense thinking about potential relationships—even potential dates—seems obviously over-the-top, I totally understand where it comes from. As Christians, at the end of the day—and date—we aren't looking for just a potential one-night stand or even a possible live-in love interest. As people of faith, we know the end game for dating is marriage. And that can be a lot to swallow along with that first-date latte.

In an age of casual sex and "starter marriages," it's great—not to mention, biblical—that we single Christians are taking matters of the heart so seriously. But I sometimes wonder if we're taking them a little too seriously. I have a friend who turned down a date invite because she couldn't picture the guy as the father of her children. Mind you, she'd just met him five minutes earlier. And I've heard of guys who want to be completely sure a woman is their soulmate before even asking her to lunch. I hear these things and wonder how we're supposed to get into these relationships we value so highly at this rate.

I also suspect there's some fear at work here too. Fear that any step other then a slow march to the altar is outside of God's will and wrong. Fear of misleading someone and being labeled the villain of your singles group. Fear of revealing feelings and not having them returned. Fear of vulnerability, rejection, pain. But no matter how you approach them, relationships take risk. And avoiding the risk often involves avoiding the relationship.

So in the past couple years I've focused on letting coffee be coffee. Not being cavalier with others' feelings or totally unexcited about dating prospects (I freely admit to purchasing a pair of flirty new shoes along the way). Just casualing it up a bit so there's more room to move. Not having to know a guy is my soulmate before agreeing to share mochas. Not plotting our future together on the drive to the Starbucks. Not having to know a guy is interested before sending him a breezy e-mail to test the relational waters.

The result? More male interaction—as I suspect they've sniffed out less seriousness and desperation. Less stress before these outings, and more of an ability to relax and just be myself when we're hanging out. Increasing courage to say "yes" and even to issue a few coffee shop invites of my own. And more confidence, as my "dating muscles" aren't quite as atrophied.

Just last month I met a guy for coffee. Did I deliberate a bit over what to wear? Sure. But there was no facemask and future planning. Just fun anticipation and prayers for God to guide, no matter what may start brewing along the way.

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