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A More Christian Way to Be Single
by Camerin Courtney
August 23, 2006
I recognize the irony now. My disappointment with the book Disappointment With God. But somewhere into chapter five or six, I simply remember a vague sense of being let down.
Philip Yancey, the author, had done a great job of articulating the tough questions swirling around in my head. But he hadn't fixed me yet. Though the thought had never specifically crossed my mind, I see now in retrospect that I'd expected Mr. Yancey to undisappoint me in his 292 pages of prose. And I could tell from the trajectory he was taking me on in a handful of chapters, that wasn't even necessarily his goal.
Good for him. And an important lesson for me.
As one who wrote an "unguide" to dating because I think there are no formulas or easy answers to matters so complicated, I was feeling ironic expectancy of a quick fix.
In our fast-food nation, we are so fond of our formulas, aren't we? We want our diets to tell us exactly which foods to eat and avoid to drop 30 pounds by next Thursday. We look to experts to show us how to make our first million by 35.
And we singles are no exception. We snatch up books with titles that promise five ways to find our soulmate, flock to retreats that outline how far is too far, and tune into radio broadcasts that tell us whether Christian singles should date, court, look for love online, or kiss the whole process goodbye.
Not that seeking wise counsel for big life decisions is a bad idea. Actually, it's quite biblical. What isn't so biblical, I realized with sheepishness as I launched into chapter seven of Disappointment with God, is turning off my brain and expecting someone else to hand me all the answers.
Actually, it was some of you who helped clue me into my wrong thinking when I read your responses to our recent question about whether single women should live at home until married. Though we'd used the opportunity to engage you all in a thoughtful discussion on the topic, I certainly had my own opinions on the matter. Something along the lines of Are you kidding me? Live at home until married? What a preposterous idea.
I tried to read the responses on both sides of the issue with an open mind, and I did find good points in each camp. But it was a few e-mails in response to the roundup of these opinions that nailed me. A few folks wrote in to say, "Where should a single woman live? Wherever God leads her to live."
Oh. Oh yeah.
I should've known better. I know that Christians—and more specifically, Christian singles—aren't like a big product line for which there's only one way to operate, one way to fix each malfunction. We aren't cookie-cutter people, and God isn't a cookie-cutter God. That's one of the great things about him: He wants an individual relationship with each of us. He's got unique plans and purposes for each of us. He's implanted different skills, sensitivities, and spiritual gifts into each of us. And I fear we short-change and miss out on all that when we go for the easy answer or look for the party line: A More Christian Way to Be Single.
So instead of reading up on whether Good Christian Singles should try Internet dating, how about we listen in to others' experiences and then pray for God's guidance for each of us. I have a friend who prayerfully signed up for eHarmony last year and just got engaged a couple weeks ago to a wonderful woman he met there. I have another friend who signed up for a free trial a couple months ago and felt God tugging at her heart, telling her not this, not now. So, she somewhat reluctantly yet obediently canceled her subscription. If either of these people had gone with a party line on how Christian singles should handle Internet dating, they might have missed out on God's best for them.
Though I understand the error, I also get the temptation to follow a formula or sound-byte. It's so much easier to follow a ten-step formula or to sit back and say, "Christians shouldn't date" than it is to realize that most likely, some form of dating is probably OK for most and that finding the "right way" for me to conduct myself in relationships involves reading up, having accountability relationships, and seeking God daily for guidance and direction. Living in the healthier area between the two extremes (and yes, being open to the extremes if that's God's plan for us) is muddier and messier and takes more work. But I have a feeling it looks a lot more like sanctification and teaches us a lot more maturity, discernment, and dependence on God in the process.
Sure, there are biblical absolutes about sexual purity, treating our brothers and sisters with respect, honoring mother and father. But I have a feeling there are less absolutes than we make there out to be. And we're left filling the space beyond the absolutes with God's individual touch on our life.
In fact, that's how God eventually spoke to me in the midst of my disappointment. I'd taken Disappointment with God with me on my recent trip to Bulgaria. And while reading it on the plane and in my temporary home each night before falling asleep helped articulate some of my thoughts and nudged me in a better direction, it was an experience God orchestrated one morning during the trip that spoke to me most.
Rumen, the man in charge of the ministry I was there to work with, had me over to his home one day. As I was casually chatting with him and his daughter, the conversation turned to the fall of communism just 17 years ago. It was fascinating to hear a firsthand account, especially when Rumen talked about the underground church his father used to pastor. As a child in this secretive congregation, Rumen had always longed for his own Bible. He was finally given one when he got married, an old family Bible he pulled off a shelf and handed to me with pride and care. In the years since the fall and since the birth of his ministry, he'd helped publish a Bulgarian Bible—a better translation than previous ones in his country—a lovely leather-bound and tabbed book.
Sitting there with both of these precious books in my lap hearing Rumen say, "I never dreamed I'd even own a Bible, let alone help publish one," I was moved. My disappointment with God of late had stemmed from the seeming deaf ears upon which my and others' prayers had fallen. But here … here was unmistakable proof that sometimes God shows up in miraculous and mighty ways. I hadn't lost my faith in that truth, but seeing and holding this evidence was like a healing salve on my bruised spirit. Exactly what I needed. Far better than any formula or quick fix.
So I continue to read Disappointment with God as well as various spiritual life and singles books that make their way to my office. But I'm not looking for answers as much as for guidance and insight. Allowing God to weave these words and concepts into my life however he sees fit. And inviting him to show up in the mysterious journey of singleness and faith, trusting that somehow that's the "more Christian"—and messier and more meaningful—way to be single.
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