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The Many Moods of Singleness
13 readers chose one word to sum up their singles experience
August 30, 2006
Expectant
Early on, my expectancy was focused on when my Mr. Right would make his grand entrance into my life. And I pictured all the circumstances that would ensue—adopting children, having a home on a ranch, being in full-time ministry. When none of that happened according to my schedule, my expectations were dashed and I went through the first couple stages of grief, as if someone hit the "replay" button on my internal CD player and I was stuck between denial, anger, and depression. My motto was "Expect the worse, because hope took the bus and left us behind."
But then our magnificently patient Lord opened my eyes to show me how his ways are pretty much never my ways. He allowed me to see how much better his ways are—beyond my wildest hopes and dreams. Now my life as a single is still one of expectancy—but I awake each day with the magnificent expectation that my Abba has already supplied my needs, and that the Lover of my soul is waiting to show me another glimpse of the height, depth, and breadth of his love for me. The more I understand God's love for me, the more expectant I am to see him move in and through me.
Danielle
Frustrated
Along with my divorce came emotional and financial devastation, as well as confusion about how to be a good single parent and how to thrive in a world designed for never-married people and married couples.
Trying to fit into my church is like fighting a losing battle. There's a ministry for divorce recovery, but there's little visible support from the church leadership. They offer financial seminars—but they're helpful only if you have the time and money to pay for the class and for childcare. I don't have any of these things. The big "D" on my forehead seems to exclude me from participating with the rest of the "Christians who have it together."
On the other hand, I'm thankful to God for providing the help I need when I need it. When I need help in dealing with my emotional upheaval, it's always there. When I need prayer for dealing with my kids, it's there. And now when I really need help with righting my financial health, someone is stepping forward to give it. I thank God for these who are willing to share what God has done in their life so I can learn to trust God and turn around and share what he's doing in my life.
My identity is only found in who Christ says I am, and lasting healing only comes from him. So even though I'm frustrated when people let me down, I'm learning to trust God alone.
Keith
Longing
Though I've been blessed with many male friends over the years, I still miss the connection of being part of a couple—the touch of the hands, the look that passes between two people, the knowledge that the other person is there for you. I know if I needed help in any way, my guy friends would be there, and that's such a blessing. So while it would be nice to have that someone, I try to take joy in being blessed with many "someones."
Kitty
Excited
Ten years ago, after 25 years of marriage, I found myself unexpectedly divorced and starting my life over again. After seasons of healing, rebuilding, and learning to trust God in a new way (as a single person instead of as a couple), I began to search for God's purposes and calling in my life. I grew more in my spiritual life than I ever had before.
Life is exciting now because there are no limits with God, and being in a season of singleness is giving me opportunities to experience God in ways I'd never before dreamed were possible. Currently I'm taking a one-year leave from my nursing position to volunteer at a Christian hospital in Nigeria. Although I'm living among some of the most extreme poverty in the world in a country that's been devastated by the effects of HIV/AIDS, this has become one of the most wonderful times of my life. God has blessed me so much by allowing me to come here. I can't wait to see what else he has in store for me in the future!
Biana
Wistful
It's been over four years since my ex-wife dropped the "D bomb" on me, over three since the legal divorce, and over two since she remarried (too quickly, if you ask me). I'm in a better place emotionally than immediately after the divorce; I have more friends than I did when I was married and a more active social life.
However, I still grieve what could have been. I'd dreamed of being married to the same woman all my life, growing old together in a house we'd remodeled together just before the divorce, bouncing my grandchildren on my knee, and telling them stories while grandma did the quilting and sewing she so loved. Thinking of what I've lost makes me wistful.
James
Wonder
I find myself in wonder at God's awesomeness and his unending grace and love for me. At the same time, I find myself wondering if singleness is my fate in life. I wonder if it's time for me to stop wanting my singleness to end; perhaps this is what God desires for me—remaining single so I can do all the things for him I wouldn't be able to if I were married. It's a quandary I find myself in at times: eager to do his will but wondering if I have to be single in order to do it. I'm 34 years old, and the closer I get to 40 the more I wonder if this is the path my life is meant to take forever.
Makeda
Hopeful
God has allowed me to do so many things as a single person I don't think I'd have been able to do if I were married. I've served as an international missionary, moved long-distance, gotten my dream job, and earned my Masters degree. Sure, I struggle with loneliness sometimes. But most of the time I'm too busy to worry about it.
There are still 1,000 things I'd like to experience. I'd still love to get married and have children someday, but God has a plan for my life and he knows best. So I remain hopeful that God isn't through with me yet, and that I'll get to experience a few of those 1,000 things I'd still like to do. It's an exciting journey, and I'm eager to see how God's going to lead and bless.
His plans exceed mine every time, so how can I be anything but hopeful?
Sarah
Bummed
I'm a pretty happy person, but my timetable isn't lining up with God's and sometimes it bums me out. I don't know many people my age in this area who are still single. Though my married and dating friends are more than welcoming and inclusive, it's hard not to feel like the leftover when you don't have a "better half" like everyone else.
I think my singleness is bumming me out more these days because there are two more weddings on the horizon and my younger sister got married a few months ago. It's easy to put on a happy face when hanging out with all the couples or to forget about my singleness completely while I'm at work, but sitting home alone, not having anyone to get dressed up for, and having only my own company wears thin.
Kristi
Confused
After 28 years of marriage, I found myself single again due to an unwanted divorce. My emotional response was all over the map. One minute I was angry, and the next minute I was depressed. I was afraid I was going to die, and then I was afraid I wasn't going to die and would have to live the rest of my life feeling like a failure. I had 101 questions but very few answers. The only word that seemed to fit the chaos that threatened to overwhelm my life is confused. I was confused emotionally, spiritually, and professionally.
I'd been an associate pastor of a large non-denominational evangelical church. Ironically, I'd served as the singles pastor. Part of my duties included running divorce recovery workshops. I'd gone back to school for a Masters degree and left the church several years before to become a Christian marriage counselor. The divorce almost destroyed my counseling practice. Clients and local pastors dropped me like I was on fire. People I'd known for years avoided me in public places. The only people who seemed anxious to talk to me felt compelled to remind me that God hates divorce. When my mother died, the church and friends were there to support me. When my marriage died, it was like I was invisible. My emotional confusion was exacerbated by the confusing response I received from my Christian friends.
As time went on, my confusion changed. At first I was afraid it had mutated to something more dangerous, but looking back I believe my confusion actually matured. The panic and depression were replaced by a determination to get on with my life. I was still confused about what getting on with my life meant, but I was committed to the concept. The fears became less intense but were still a part of my everyday life. With new eyes and a new heart I reread a dozen books about divorce. With a new mindset, I remembered some of the advice I'd been giving divorcing people for years.
Now almost eight years after my divorce experience began, I'm finally confident I won't die emotionally, spiritually, or professionally. I'm getting on with my life even though I have no clear picture of where I'm going. I'm still in many ways confused. By God's grace I am, however, confused at a healthier level. I've learned there will always be questions in this life.
So, I chose to live one day at a time and in a state of "creative confusion." I do my best to connect the dots of this glorious puzzle called John's life. I still have 101 questions for God about where I'm going. But for now, I'm so busy connecting the dots I don't have much time to worry about where these dots are taking me. I'm learning to trust that big picture to God's sovereignty.
John
Content
I don't think God desires our happiness as much as he does our contentment, or sense of rightness wherever he's placed us. Being content doesn't mean we think our singleness will be forever, although it might be. I think it stems more from focusing on the joys of this place and time. There's something positive about every stage and situation, so why not figure out what's so great about this one? Discovering that and rejoicing in those discoveries will bring us a sense of having come home, finding contentment wherever we are.
Karen
Hurt
It's extremely difficult to listen to sermons on how divorce isn't allowed and why. I tried for several years to prevent my divorce. I was in a verbally and emotionally abusive marriage, but I believed we were married until death do us part. We took that oath before God. I prayed, tried, and sought counseling for seven years to save our marriage—and nearly fell apart physically and emotionally in the process. Now when I hear a message on how wrong divorce is, I feel so hurt. I'd still counsel others to try everything to save their marriage, but I have a tender heart for those who try so hard and still wind up enduring a divorce.
Name withheld
Anticipation
I'm 45-year-old lifelong singleton who hopes to marry in the near future. However, I recognize that being involved in ministry takes priority, and I'm seeking God now about how and where to serve him best. He's not about to give me something that life-altering unless he intends me to bless him and others in the process.
Late last year I received a newsletter from a church friend whose wedding I attended. His wife wrote that the thing she enjoys most about marriage is ministering alongside her spouse. That's what I want.
Rick
Inspired
I went to a wedding by myself last week, and as nervous and uncomfortable as I thought I'd be, it was really okay to be there alone. Surprisingly, I had the time of my life! I learned I can have a great time whether I'm alone or with a date, and that discovery was freeing for me. Fueled by this discovery, I feel motivated to try new things. I'm learning to look at being single as an adventure.
Jeannie
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