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Cheerleaders in the Game of Love
by Camerin Courtney
September 6, 2006
I'm pretty sure it wasn't what Jesus would have said if faced with the same situation. But I hope he somehow recognized the good intentions behind my words.
I was having dinner with my friend Jocelyn, a fellow Christian singleton, and we were having one of our typical hours-long conversations about everything from reality TV to theology.
After I'd regaled her with some dating blunder from my past, Jocelyn eyed me cautiously then lowered her voice and said, "I want to admit something to you." I braced myself for whatever secret was obviously haunting her.
"I've never been kissed," she blurted, as if wanting to get it out before she had the chance to change her mind.
I looked at this 36-year-old, funny, warm-hearted woman of God and felt surprise at her big reveal. As I looked at her, I also saw fear on her face. It was a look that said, Go ahead and confirm my worst fear—that I'm a big freak because no guy has ever kissed me.
Instead I found myself blurting out, "Jocelyn, great men should want to make out with you." We both laughed at my sincere yet ineloquent response, then went on to talk about how, sure, kissing isn't the mark of an "okay" individual, but that it can feel that way at times. I told her about the countless singles I've talked with who haven't been on a date in years, or who have never been on a date … or in a liplock. And I reminded my friend of her fabulousness, kiss or no kiss.
It wasn't the first time I've assured one of my friends that they're a great catch or that men should be lined up around the block to date them or that they're going to make some woman a really great husband someday. As groovy and well-adjusted as these friends are, they've all greeted my words with a look of unmistakable relief. For some reason, at that moment, they needed that reassurance. And it was a joy to be God's mouthpiece speaking words of encouragement to his beloved kids.
I've been on the receiving end of such conversations as well. In fact, I have an e-mail—sent a year ago from my friend Jill—saved and handy whenever I need a similar pick-me-up. I'd e-mailed her first because I feared I'd misread a guy's interest—that perhaps he was looking for a contact for his business and not looking for a potential love connection with me. My favorite line from her response e-mail: "Yeah, you're being neurotic. I say that not to condemn or make fun, just to remind you that you're awesome and amazing and he'd be a complete moron to be interested in your workplace over yoursuperself."
Why do we need such reassurance from our friends and family members at semi-regular intervals? Well, besides the fact that it can be a mean old world out there sometimes, it's also so easy to slip into the thinking that we're single right now because there's something terribly wrong with us.
I totally get where this inner-blame comes from. Divorced singles have watched the love of their life turn and walk away from them. Never-marrieds have never been in a relationship that didn't end in a breakup. And when you haven't been asked out on a date for years or have been turned down when you've mustered the courage to ask, you start to wonder what's so undateable about you.
Questions such as "So why aren't you married yet?" don't help. Neither do radio broadcasts and self-help books with ten more secrets for finding the love we're looking for. Sure, there's some wisdom there, but the subtle implication can be that we're still single because we haven't done this, fixed that, lost that ten pounds, surrendered this desire to God. One such book I recently stumbled upon actually included the advice that I need to bathe regularly, as men might find dirty hair and nails a turnoff. (Well, at least I've got that bit down!)
One reader e-mailed me recently looking for advice for a woman in her small group, a 40something who's never been married: "Last week she said she's so tired of working on herself, that surely she can't have that much wrong with her! And, of course, she's right. She has absolutely nothing wrong with her—she's intelligent, loves God, has a good job, and is pretty."
I understand the temptation to try to explain unwanted singleness, to place blame, and often to ascribe that to ourselves. But it still amazes me how easily we recognize the wonderfulness of our friends and loved ones while we're often our own worst critic. Thinking any unwanted singleness must be our fault because we are so very flawed. As if married people aren't also messy and broken. As if that wasn't the whole point of Jesus, to save our messy, broken selves.
Sure, there are things we can do to make ourselves more findable or flattering. And I always want to be growing and learning and becoming a better person—but not as a means of earning merit badges toward a spouse. More like discipleship and sanctification and growing in Christ-likeness. And hey, and if men find me more attractive in that process … sweet.
Along the way, I hope also to be growing in community and love for others. Living out 1 Thessalonians 5:11, "Therefore encourage one another and build each other up." What a fun privilege to remind my single friends that they're awesome, that that awesomeness comes first and foremost from God, and that he doesn't dole out blessings based on how much Scripture we memorize or how much we bathe. And that there's nothing wrong with us that Jesus' blood can't cover and cleanse and make new.
Even my slightly inappropriate attempts to encourage my friends.
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