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5 Commandments of Dating
by Jason Illian, excerpted from Undressed: The Naked Truth About Love, Sex, and Dating
October 11, 2006
Christians do many things well, but dating isn't one of
them. In fact, many of the fallacies prevalent in the dating
world were created by Christians. We have been so overly zealous
about modesty and purity that our faith often morphs
into legalism, shaming everyone with unattainable standards
of perfection. Many young adults desire a relationship with
the Almighty but not at the cost of feeling guilty every single
day of their lives because they long for human companionship.
Even God said, "It is not good for man to be alone" and
then He created Eve to be man's partner (Genesis 2:18). The answer to the
reckless and shameless dating often seen in America today
isn't found at the dogmatic, ultraconservative end of the spectrum.
It is found in the balanced life, somewhere between
everything and nothing, culture and faith, the place where
Christ resides.
Despite what many of us have been taught, there is nothing
inherently wrong with dating. But like any freedom—driving,
voting, drinking—it can lead to disaster if you do it recklessly.
Even though the Bible doesn't specifically talk about dating,
the Bible is a wonderful guide when it comes to interpersonal
relationships. And if you think about it, dating is just one type
of personal relationship. Dating gives us the opportunity to
interact with a myriad of interesting people in a very unique
way. Some people we will never see again, some will become
friends, and some may become more. But in every instance,
we have the opportunity to learn more about ourselves and
about the diversity of humanity.
The purpose of dating is to find the "right one" with whom
to spend the rest of your life. If you simply want to have fun,
meet interesting people, or learn about yourself, don't do it
within the context of dating. There is a time and place for
these types of experiences, and it is called friendship. Just
make friends with some people of the opposite sex if your
goal is to learn and grow. Although dating sounds like an ideal
way to simply shop around for Mr. Right, it is too easy to get
emotionally and physically involved. And if you date with the
goal of self-improvement or self-satisfaction, there is a very
good chance that you're going to get hurt or you're going to
hurt someone else. Dating should have a purpose—to learn
who and how to love.
Here are a few guidelines to help you on the adventure:
The 5 Commandments of Dating
1. Thou shalt not group date.
Pierce my nipples. Juggle porcupines. Rip the hair off my
body with duct tape. Train my cats to swim. Visit Neverland
Ranch at night. Test new parachutes. Debate Paris Hilton. Wear
a Speedo to church. These are all things I'd rather do than go
on a group date.
When you hang out in a group, it isn't dating—it's socializing.
Or mingling. Or entertaining. Whatever it is, it is not
helpful. Nothing of any substance ever gets discussed in a
group of co-ed friends when the intention of the get-together
is to date. Emotional intimacy cannot be cultivated between
two people if they are surrounded by ten of their best friends.
While I'll agree that a group setting can be an excellent way to
meet someone new, it is a terrible way to get to know someone's
heart.
The church devised the group dating concept because it
recognized the futility and dangers of how most people date
in American culture. With pregnancies, diseases, and divorces
on the rise, they wanted to protect their flock from having
similar heart-wrenching results. I can appreciate their intentions,
but going from one extreme to another has not alleviated
our problems. It has just given most singles a whole new
set of issues to deal with—loneliness, despair, and confusion
ranking at the top of the list.
Besides, fairy tales never begin with "A group of knights
gathered together to fight for a handful of maidens, only later to
decide who rescues who." Romantic stories are never written
that way because that doesn't speak to our hearts. It is only
when one knight takes a calculated risk and battles for the
hand of a beautiful princess that we see true commitment and
intimacy. And we long for this in our own lives.
One of the biggest problems with group dating is that it
allows men to be passive. In a group setting, men can shun
accountability and responsibility. They don't have to make
any plans because someone else will. They don't have to be
responsible for anything because it is easy to disperse ownership
with others involved. And they don't have to ask any one
girl out because they can enjoy all of them at the same time!
Men don't have to be proactive leaders—they can simply be
pack hunters.
Unfortunately, marriage is not a group outing. When a
couple finally decides to tie the knot, many men are unprepared
to handle the decisions and responsibilities that come
with leading a family. Cassandra and Mike, a very quiet but
thoughtful couple in their mid-thirties, recently approached
me at O'Hare International Airport in Chicago and thanked
me for a couple of articles I had written. They told me that
they had been married for eight years and that the first four
years were the roughest of their lives. Mike said that he dated
Cassandra in a group environment like their church suggested,
but once they got hitched, he struggled with leading
his new family. And they weren't alone. He named at least
five other couples in their church where the men were shutting
down, frustrated with their spiritual and emotional
responsibilities.
One-on-one dating is the training ground that men desperately
need to learn how to lead. Men are naturally more
reserved when it comes to emotional and spiritual development,
and their growth is slowed even more when they can
mask it in a group setting. On an individual date, however,
open discussions can go to deeper levels and men have to
think through what they really believe. Men learn perseverance
by being rejected, strength by battling for a woman's
heart, and initiative by asking a beauty on a date.
There is another downside to group dating that often gets
overlooked. Herd mentality. When young adults get together
in groups to try to develop romance, everybody is in everybody
else's business. Instead of dispersing the pressure to act
one way or another, the pressure mounts. When two people in
the group finally do connect, they often break away from their
friends to escape the gossip and preconceived notions. We've
learned the hard way that the only thing more dangerous than
a misguided individual is a misguided group. Never underestimate
the power of stupid people in large groups.
Single Christian groups also develop an "it's-about-us"
attitude. They are not very welcoming to new people or ideas.
It is as if the people in the group believe they have earned the
right to be the first person to get married because they have
waited around the longest. If a new person does happen to
join the ranks, he is usually enthusiastically accepted by the
opposite sex—like a T-bone is enthusiastically accepted by a
pack of famished wolves—and snubbed by the same sex.
Because he is just one more single mouth to feed at a table
that many believe is already short of good food, he is usually
not a very welcome visitor.
Are one-on-one dates more intimate? Yes. But isn't that
the point? Aren't we trying to get to know someone's heart to
see if we can develop a romance? Group dating doesn't allow
this. You certainly have to be more mature to handle an individual
date and the things that may develop from it. But that
is what makes it so exciting. Men enjoy the challenge of battling
for a heart they think is worth fighting for, and women
exude confidence when they realize their heart is a treasure.
2. Thou shalt commit to the fight.
The normal model of male-female relationships is quite
simple—you are either dating or you are not dating. But the
current Christian model is quite different. Perhaps we got held
underwater a little too long during baptism, but our model
looks like this: become friends, hang out, get to know one
another, see where it goes, talk about possibly getting involved,
discuss the north wind and how it may affect the relationship,
talk to the youth pastor about it, pray about it, fast over
it, court (which may mean dating), date (which may mean
courting), and finally, date. Instead of having or not having a
romance, we add a million meaningless micro-steps which
muddy the already difficult waters.
So, to set the record straight, you are either dating or you
are not dating. Commit to one side or the other. There is nothing
in between. There is nothing overly spiritual or holy about
camping somewhere between friendship and intimacy. In fact,
when you attempt to know someone's heart without committing
anything to them, you are doing them a terrible disservice.
I have seen droves of well-meaning Christian men break young
women's hearts because they stole intimate moments from a
girl while committing nothing to the relationship. It's called
emotional promiscuity. I've done it myself more than once.
For those struggling to define dating—which are most
church-attending adults—dating is getting to know somebody
else exclusively. It is purposeful intimacy with personal
commitment. Many pastors substitute the word courting for
dating, but I think this is a misnomer and very dangerous.
According to Webster, courting is "wooing, working, and trying
to gain the affection of another through attention or flattery."
But you shouldn't have to persuade or entice someone to
spend time with you. Courting has the connotation that the
relationship is definitely leading to marriage, putting undo
stress on the couple. Women often think that if they are being
courted, they are guaranteed a proposal. But that is not necessarily
the case. While you can hope the relationship leads to
marriage, courtship is no guarantee that the man will get
down on his knee.
Conversely, dating is about committing yourself to a devel-
oping, exclusive relationship to determine if your partner
can be your soul mate. Dating doesn't hold any preconceived
notions about what can or should be expected in a relationship.
As Christians, we don't need a different word to explain
our romances. All people, regardless of their belief system,
long to love and be loved, and we can share in this pursuit
when we share in their struggles. We don't need to reword
dating—we just need to do it better than everyone else.
The tricky part is figuring out when dating actually starts.
Is it the first kiss? Is it the define-the-relationship talk? Is it
after x-number of dates? After talking to hundreds of couples,
I've learned something humorous (and sad) about many
Christian relationships: Many women are dating men who
don't know they are dating.
Dating often begins for a woman when the man builds an
emotional bond with her. This can be accomplished through
intimate conversation or quality time together. On the other
hand, men often equate dating to the physical aspect of the
relationship. Whether it is a kiss or something more, men
often don't think they are "in" a relationship until they have
displayed some level of physical affection.
To reconcile these bipolar views, there is only one solution—
communicate. Some of your dating relationships will
begin at the first kiss and others will begin after you have
talked about it. Neither side is completely right, but neither
side is completely wrong either. If intimacy is taking place on
a regular basis, then dating has begun, whether or not you
have officially defined it. A few telltale signs that you are dat-
ing but you don't know you're dating include regular latenight
phone calls, flirtatious e-mails, recurring daydreams of
the other person, continuous Starbucks dates, and extra prepping
before seeing one another.
I got to observe this confusion firsthand while speaking at
a university recently. To prove a point about effective communication,
I asked for three volunteer couples from the crowd. I
saw a girl's hand waving in the front and asked her and her
boyfriend to come forward. As they were walking toward the
stage, I saw a look of confusion on his face. When I asked him
how long they had been dating, he said, "Uh, I didn't know we
were dating." Shocked, the girl quickly blurted out, "We've
been dating for three months!"
If you are not sure whether or not you are dating, discuss
it. If she or he hesitates or tries to stay in that awkward middle
ground, jump from the moving train immediately. You are
headed for disaster. You can't bounce in and out of "the friend
zone" like Tigger on crack. You are either dating or you are
not—make a choice.
3. Thou shalt expect nothing.
The number-one reason men don't want to commit to a
relationship is because the only thing higher than a woman's
heels on a first date is her expectations. If you think that the
next guy has to be "the one," don't be surprised if he doesn't
call you again. If you start talking about your dream wedding,
his short trip to the restroom may detour out the back door.
While many guys seem confident on the outside, most of us
are still trembling little boys on the inside trying to understand
this thing called love.
Expectations are cancer to a new relationship. Author
Erich Fromm said it eloquently in his best-selling book The
Art of Loving when he stated, "In love, if one expects nothing
and asks nothing, he can never be deceived or disappointed. It
is only when love demands that it brings pain." We are all
guilty of bringing unreasonable expectations into a relationship,
even more so as followers of Christ. Because Christ was
perfect, many of us expect our Christian partners to be perfect
as well. But assumptions and expectations are roadblocks to
finding out about the heart of the person sitting across the
candlelit table.
My last relationship was with a single mother who has a
ten-year-old son. If I had held some preconceived notions
about dating a divorced woman, I would have missed out on
eight wonderful months of dating and romance. I've always
wanted a family, and while dating this beautiful girl, I watched
her be a loving mother on a daily basis. I want that. I need that.
I would have missed that had I held expectations that God
had someone different for me. I don't completely know the
type of person I'll marry, and if you are honest with yourself,
you don't know either.
Always give yourself margin in a relationship, especially at
the beginning. When I refer to margin, I'm talking about creating
extra space between your hopes and reality, much like
the space between the words and the edge of a book. Don't
lower your standards—just give everybody the benefit of the
doubt and give God room to work. When we get around the
opposite sex, very rarely do we say and do exactly what we
mean. The butterflies in our stomach often make us alter our
predetermined plan.
Couples often talk about "love at first sight." Of course, the
couples that talk about this are the ones who actually fulfill
the prophecy. You never hear a person talk about "love at first
sight" when the relationship doesn't work. I happen to believe
that at first sight, you can only fall in love with the idea of that
type of person, not the actual person himself. It takes seasons
of life, intimate moments, difficult obstacles, and unwavering
faith to really fall in love with someone.
When you first start seeing someone, give yourself three to
four dates to decide whether or not you want to date him
exclusively. Even if you think you know after the first date, give
him time to realize how wonderful you are as well. Desperation
is an ugly suit, and you certainly don't want to wear it on
your first date, Cinderella. Unless there is excessive physical
contact (not incidental—if he brushes your leg as he gets up
to use the restroom that doesn't count) or verbal commitment
on the first couple of dates, both individuals should have three
to four dates to decide if they want to commit to an exclusive
relationship.
Ideally, the man should address the issue of dating, but if
he hasn't initiated the conversation after the allotted four
dates, feel free to bring it up, ladies. Ask an open-ended question
along the lines of, "What kind of relationship do you see
us developing?" or "Where do you see our friendship going?"
Regardless of who brings it up, if the other person wavers and
doesn't commit to getting to know you and only you, move
on. You deserve better.
4. Thou shalt be patient.
Too many young Christian couples bolt out of the starting
gate like they are being chased by a rabid dog. They are so
excited about their new relationship that they often confuse
marriage as the end of the race, when in reality, it is merely the
beginning. Their passion is redlining, but their patience is still
in neutral. They are sprinting toward love, but they are not
carrying the anchor that will help them see all the obstacles
along the way.
It is ironic that the churched, those who claim to understand
the fullness of Christ's love, are often even more in a
hurry than the unchurched to get hitched. How many times
do you hear of young couples meeting, dating, and marrying
all within a six- to twelve-month span? Since the divorce rate
is as high among Christians as it is among non-Christians,
this tells us one of two things: (1) We preach the concept of
patience, but we don't actually practice it; or, (2) we don't
really understand the depth of true love. Why are we in such a
hurry to meet, greet, eat, and feel each other's body heat?
After a church service in Texas, a handsome young stud
approached me and said, "You saved me ten thousand dollars."
Of course, I had no idea what he was talking about, but I joked
that I'd be happy to split it with him fifty-fifty. Confident and
debonair, he said that he had heard me speak two years earlier
about love and patience while he was still in college. At the
time, he had just bought a diamond ring for his girlfriend of
seven months. After the talk, he prayed about proposing to
her and decided to wait a couple of months before popping
the question. And he was thankful that he did. Apparently,
when she didn't get the ring as early as expected, she threw a
fit and her true colors began to show. Within a month, they
weren't even dating anymore. (On a side note, I've still yet to
see a penny in the whole deal.)
Above all things, unconditional love is patient. When you
experience a fresh and exciting new romance, you take a big
swig of dumb-dumb juice. In all other instances, you would
think rationally and logically, but when Cupid's arrow hits
you in the backside, you begin to have outlandish visions of
grandeur and romance. Everything is wonderful because "he
likes me." A hoodlum could break into your house, steal your
favorite stilettos, eat the last piece of chocolate cake, kick your
dog, and leave the toilet seat up, and it wouldn't bother you.
Normally, you would have this guy tethered to a moving truck
and dragged across hot asphalt for even eying your chocolate
cake. The prospect of love makes you dumb-dumb.
To combat dumb-dumb syndrome, the best medicine is
patience. In Paul's letter to the Corinthians, he was adamant
about saying "love is patient" first (1 Corinthians 13:4). He wanted the young
Corinthian believers to understand that God's perfect plan is
mysterious, and the best way to decipher an enigmatic plan is
to give it time. While you may feel that your partner possesses
all aspects of the fruit of the Spirit, your feelings can be deceiv-
ing. The best way to check somebody's true intentions is to see
if their actions match their words.
No matter how much you love someone, there is no substitute
for life's experiences. Walking through different seasons
of life with your partner is an invaluable indicator of
how he will handle the unpredictable moments of marriage.
Remember, a tree is recognized by its fruit, and the only way
to see if the tree will produce fruit is to observe it over many
seasons. Nearly every relationship I've experienced has hit an
inflection point at both the six- and twelve-month marks.
While there is no specific research suggesting why these time
frames might be significant, they may be indicators of how
your loved one is changing, growing, and developing. Take the
time to get to know him thoroughly. If you are planning on
being married for the next seventy-five years of your life, a
couple more months of dating certainly won't hurt you.
To use my last relationship with the single mother as
an example again, how we communicated with one another
began to change at about the six-month mark. Up to that
point, we both filtered our thoughts and used an extra level of
caution when approaching a sensitive subject. We didn't do it
to avoid speaking the truth or broaching controversial issues.
We did it because we cared for one another and didn't want to
hurt each other's feelings. As I mentioned earlier, young relationships
are fragile and need to be handled with the utmost
care. However, when we finally began honestly talking about
sensitive issues, we realized that we had very different expectations
on what our future family could look like. She desired a
husband who could work a nine-to-five job and spend
nights and weekends with the family. I, too, desire a family,
but understand that my career will sometimes take me away
from home for significant periods of time. After talking
about it for a couple of months, we realized that even though
we both loved the Lord, we were heading down two very different
paths. Had we rushed into a marriage because things
"felt" right or because all the boxes were checked on a Must-
Have list, we would now be facing some serious marital
problems. Exercising a little patience—and communicating
openly and honestly with each other—saved us from much
emotional pain.
If we are really honest with ourselves, the reason that most
of us are impatient is because we don't want the person we are
dating to get away. We are simply afraid of being alone. But is
that love or is that self-interest posing as love? When I get discouraged
about my love life, I remember one thing—there are
over six billion people in the world and I need only one. God
is more than capable of finding me the perfect mate among
that many choices.
5. Thou shalt always follow the King.
When we are confused in our relationships, we often get this
counsel from our family and friends—"just follow your heart."
While our loved ones mean well, this advice is a little misguided.
Our hearts—our feelings, thoughts, and emotions—
are usually the very things that got us in trouble in the first
place. Our hearts have very limited foresight and are easily
shaken by circumstances. As the prophet Jeremiah wisely
noted, "Our hearts are deceitful above all things and beyond
cure. Who can understand [them]?" (Jeremiah 17:9). Instead of simply submitting
to our feelings and emotions, it is more important to
follow the passion and direction that the Lord instills in us.
Why follow your heart when you can follow the Creator of
your heart? If your dream is to one day find a prince, doesn't it
make more sense to follow a King and learn what princes are
made of?
I recently overheard an interesting conversation at a local
bar while visiting one of my bartender friends. As in most
pubs, groups of men often come in looking for groups of
women. This night was no different. As I was catching up with
my buddy, a couple of beautiful ladies sat at the table behind
me. It wasn't long before a couple of gentlemen—I use the
term loosely—approached their table and started a conversation.
Within five minutes, one of the girls and one of guys got
up to go shoot pool. But the other couple sat at the table and
talked. Now, I've been around some pretty eager guys, but this
guy wins the prize for hustling a girl for her phone number.
Calm and collected, she denied him this small request for over
half an hour. Finally, he got frustrated and asked, "What does
it take to win your heart?!"
Without skipping a beat, she said, "Don't come to me asking
for my heart. I gave my heart to the Lord a long time ago."
Profound. Powerful. True. Not the kind of comment you
usually hear between cheers and beers. But she was absolutely
right. Had the guy had an ounce of sense, he would have real-
ized that she wasn't denying him; she was simply reminding
him where he needed to refocus his efforts. On the Lord.
Many of us need that simple reminder because we all have
a choice to make. We can either take love into our own hands
and try to decipher between the millions of potential mates,
or we can hand our hearts over to the Lord and trust that He
who is Love will act in our best interest. Stated another way,
we can either do it ourselves or we can ask the Creator of Relationships
for a little help. I've tried it on my own and have
been humbled on more than one occasion. As for me and my
heart, we will follow the King.
From the book Undressed: The Naked Truth About Love, Sex and Dating by Jason Illian. Copyright © 2006 by Jason Illian. Reprinted by permission of Faith Words, Inc, New York, NY. All rights reserved.
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