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Something was bothering my little girl. My normally sunny 13-year-old daughter Kim (not her real name) was moody and withdrawn. She rebuffed me when I asked her what was wrong. She would storm out of the house, saying, "I just need to go for a walk," and disappear for hours at a time.

On the surface, my daughter's life seemed fine. She's a beautiful girl—a statuesque, blue-eyed blonde who at 13 looked older than her age. Her looks, sharp mind, and outgoing personality made her very attractive to boys.

When Kim fell for a 15-year-old boy who was a leader in our church's youth group, I had mixed feelings about the relationship. I didn't want her getting too serious about a boy at such a young age, but I was confident that she would turn to me for guidance. Kim and I were very close. She would curl up on the couch with me after school or a date and tell me about her day, so I felt I knew what was going on in her life. Despite my misgivings, I trusted her.

My husband and I raised our daughter to have high Christian values, especially in male-female relationships. I had answered Kim's questions about sex honestly and openly. I educated her about the consequences of premarital sex—teen pregnancy, STDs, and AIDS. She emphatically informed me that she would never put herself in that situation. Kim was a strong-willed individual who was not easily swayed by peer pressure, so I believed that she could say no to temptation. Then her boyfriend broke up with her.

At first, Kim was heartbroken. But a few months later, she seemed happy again with a busy social life and many interests.

Then Kim attended a big house party with a group of friends. I was uneasy about it, but I was assured that the event would be supervised. After that party, however, Kim became moody and distant.

I didn't know what to do. It was not like my daughter to keep secrets from me. Weeks passed, and I waited in the wings for Kim to open up, but she wouldn't talk to me.

Kim wanted to be baptized at our church, so I wasn't surprised when she asked for an appointment with our pastor. In fact, I was relieved—maybe she could tell him what was bothering her.

Full disclosure
On the day she was to meet our pastor, Kim finally called me into her room. I wanted to shake her and say, "Out with it already!" But I just sat down on her bed expectantly without saying a word.

She paced back and forth saying, "I don't know how to tell you this." My anxiety level shot through the roof. I tried to encourage her to just blurt it out. She couldn't. I hinted at what I thought the mystery might be about, such as drugs or smoking. I didn't even want to think that the problem was related to sex, but I had no choice but to ask.

She blurted out a yes and told the sordid story.

At the party, she was feeling depressed about breaking up with her boyfriend. She started making out with a boy she hardly knew and had her first sexual encounter.

My mind reeled with shock. My little girl! Hadn't we spent countless hours talking about the risk of disease and pregnancy? Hadn't we seen the miserable lives of teens who'd become mothers too soon and agreed that this would not happen to her?

Kim was so full of shame that I didn't have the heart to lecture her. She realized right away that she had made a terrible mistake.

I needed to understand exactly what happened at the party. Was she drinking or on drugs? "No." Was she coerced? "No." Was it consensual? "Yes." Did they have "safe" sex? "Yes."

Kim revealed that she had disclosed her mistake first to a female youth group leader at church, and that she had been very supportive. I was disappointed that Kim did not come to me first, but I was relieved that she eventually did talk.

Damage control
That night, while Kim was meeting with our minister, I told my husband what had happened. His first reaction was remorse—maybe we hadn't talked to her enough about sex. But that quickly gave way to rage.

"I had better not ever meet that boy again or I will kill him," my husband said. We talked about taking some legal action against the boy's parents, who were supposed to be supervising the party. However, we had no proof that the sexual encounter even took place. It would be our daughter's word against the boy's.

Then my husband's anger turned to my daughter, but I convinced him to be gentle in the light of her repentant attitude. When my daughter came home, my husband confronted her. She was a smart girl—how could she do something so stupid? He repeated many of the questions I had asked her earlier. My daughter was heartbroken as she listened to her father express his disappointment.

As parents, we now had to do damage control. My daughter was depressed and eaten up with guilt. The visit with the pastor helped—he assured her that even though she had made a mistake, God would forgive her. He encouraged Kim to accept God's forgiveness, then to put her regret behind her and stop dwelling on her sins.

I felt helpless. How could I help my little girl get over this? I assured her that although she had experienced the physical act, sex was really about sharing love in a committed, marriage relationship. As far as I was concerned, she was still a virgin. That seemed to ease the pain. With some loving care from her father and me, Kim eventually was able to move forward.

Still, I had to deal with my own feelings. My child had become a woman too soon. I mourned her lost innocence.

Forgiving Kim was easy; trusting her was another matter. My husband and I became stricter, imposing early curfews and supervising her more closely. Kim hated the new rules but accepted them as a natural consequence of her actions. And in time, she did regain our trust.

The whole experience was tough and forever changed us—but in good ways. My daughter learned that when sins are confessed, she could be forgiven and healed from the hurt and shame. And God challenged my husband and me to extend mercy and love when we wanted to scold and judge. Now, I look forward to seeing Kim blossom into the wonderful young woman that God wants her to become.

Jane Andrews is a pseudonym for a writer in Canada.

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