Related: • Solving the Dating Dilemma • Bringing the Brothers Back: Readers Respond

There's a heap of thorny issues related to Christian singleness: What is the most appropriate model for dating and courtship? Is chastity realistic for adult singles? Why have congregations fallen short in successfully integrating singles into the life of the church? We can't deal with them all here. But there is one practical issue that, for our money, rises to the top: Where are all the men? Both anecdotally and statistically, the disparity in the ratio of single women to men in the church is alarming. In this excerpt from their new book, The UnGuide to Dating, authors Camerin Courtney and Todd Hertz examine this troubling trend.

The discovery
Camerin: Something's broken. I don't know exactly what it is or how to fix it, which maddens me to no end. I just know that something's unmistakably Not Right.

You see, recently I was at a conference for people who run Christian magazines for women in Eastern Europe. I, ever the lover of people from other cultures, was in heaven. At every meal or coffee break or evening playtime I was able to ask one of my favorite questions: "What is life like in your corner of the world?"

Now, I swear I didn't tell any of these women I'm a singles columnist. Some of them didn't even know I'm single, that I'm a never-married 30-something with countless female friends in the same boat (or even slightly older boats).

The first such conversation at the conference, with a lovely 40-something woman from Russia, went something like this:

Me: "So what are the main things Christian women in Russia wrestle with?"

Galina: "We have many smart, wonderful girls who are single in our churches. But no men for them."

Me (my voice a mixture of empathy and depression): "Really?"

Galina: "Yes. It's quite sad. Many are going to United States to find husband."

Me (all sweetness and cultural sensitivity): Well, tell them to get in line!"

Next it was a conversation with the two Bulgarians who painted a similar picture of a plethora of Christian women without the same number of Christian male counterparts.

	"When I was in InterVarsity Christian Fellowship years ago, one of our recurring prayer requests was for more men to join our community—for their benefit as well as for ours!" —Camerin Courtney

The next day at lunch when someone asked me if I had any children and I answered, "No, I'm not married," the never-married 38-year-old Greek woman next to me blurted, "Oh, that makes me feel so much better!" She, too, shared about the seemingly missing generation of single men in her home country. As did a Malaysian woman who hadn't married until 29, an "old" age in her culture.

While there was a little part of me that enjoyed this kinship and understanding of my reality, I also was depressed that this apparent inequity in the singleness gender ratio is global. As I said, something's broken.

It's not raining men
Now, let me say I do know there are godly single men in our world. I'm well aware. I'm great friends with some of them and have dated a few others. And yes, there are certainly pockets where the gender split is 50/50 or even skewed to the male side. I even attended one such church during a recent business trip.

My contention is simply that on the whole there appear to be so many less single men in Christian circles than there are single women. My own experience has borne out this truth. Nearly all the church groups, Bible studies, singles groups, and Christian workplaces I've been a part of over the years have been populated by lots of single women and noticeably (and frustratingly) fewer single men. My current crop of single friends is mostly comprised of godly women.

I kid you not, when I was in InterVarsity Christian Fellowship at the secular university I attended years ago, one of our recurring prayer requests was for more men to join our community (for their benefit as well as for ours!).

Every time the company newsletter comes out at the Christian office where I work, there's a laundry list of new single female employees. In stark contrast, I could count the single men in our company practically on one hand—out of 150 workers!

I often joke with Todd, my coauthor, that because of his gender, he's got a buffet of dating/mate choices spread out before him. I, on the other hand, I lament with great drama, am starving in the desert.

Missing in action
Todd: When Camerin first told me her theory that I faced a buffet of options and she was starving, I rolled my eyes. I thought she was feeling sorry for herself. I thought she was dramatizing. No way, I thought, it's the reverse. There aren't enough Christian women around!

But then I looked at the research. In 2000, the Barna Research Group found in a nationwide survey that 60 percent of adherents to Christianity are women. The survey also looked at the number of each gender whose beliefs identified them as born-again Christians. Based on the results, Barna estimates there are currently between 11 million and 13 million more born-again women than born-again men in the U.S.

	A lot of men also claim to stay away from the church because of pressure to be something they're not: married. —Todd Hertz

But what's startling is not just the gender disparity among Christian adherents; it's also the difference between men who believe and those who are actually active in their belief. Although 36 percent of men in the Barna survey were identified as born-again believers, only 14 percent attend Sunday school, 13 percent belong to a small group, and 9 percent have held any leadership position in a church. Each category's percentages were substantially higher for women.

This forced me to honestly reconsider what I've seen. I'm the only regularly attending single man between 25 and 45 at my good-sized church. Working for a Christian business has been the most eye opening. Like Camerin mentioned, there are five or six single men in our office, and I can count at least three times that number of single women.

And then there are all the e-mails. As a singles columnist, Camerin has received letters from women troubled by the absence of men. These women tell such detailed and convincing stories that I can't deny it any longer. There are less single men than women active in the church, and depending on where you are, the difference can be staggering.

Consider, for example, this e-mail from a woman named Margaret:

Since becoming a Christian, I've been on zero dates. I simply don't get asked out. Why? Because our churches and Christian circles are full of women and are horribly void of single, eligible men. No matter where I go—Bible studies, church, singles groups—it is 90 percent female.

Why men avoid church
Yes, the lack of single men in our churches is bad for the whole dating equation. But obviously that's not the biggest problem. The biggest problem is that single men aren't in our churches. Frankly, I'm worried about my Christian brothers. Why are we less active in our faith? Is a relationship with our Creator really contingent on our gender?

Like Camerin said, something is broken. And I don't think it's something easy to pinpoint—or even that it's just one broken thing. I think there are cracks all over the place, including cultural gender roles, societal expectations, and the setup of the church.

Men commonly just don't know what or who we're supposed to be. Mixed messages and gender confusion can particularly screw up us younger, single men. Without clear guidance, it's easy to follow the wrong path.

Think of culture and Christianity as two storefronts next to each other on the street. Both have signs advertising their offerings. Culture advertises sex, recklessness, alcohol, instant gratification, and not having to rely on anybody but yourself.

On the other hand, the church window seems to promise judgment, rules, and hymns. As an extra bonus, there's a family focus and a largely feminine, touchy-feely outlook. Looking at it this way, it's a little more understandable why many men leave the church after high school and come back only as married men with families, a shifted focus, and a greater emotional maturity, if they come back at all. They've sown their wild oats, seen the errors of their ways, and now understand what's truly lasting and important in life.

A lot of men also claim to stay away from the church because of pressure to be something they're not: married.

No, things don't look good here. And I admit the problem with a lack of men active in the church can look daunting. Guys in the church can think, Well, if I'm the only one here … then, why am I here? And women may just throw in the towel altogether and start looking at non-Christian candidates.

What men can do
But while an overview of this cultural trend looks bleak, I think there's hope—and it lies not in concentrating on the big picture, but in focusing on our individual faith. Each of us men needs to focus on strengthening our walks, finding a mentor and/or a protégé, and becoming active in the local church.

An ideal side effect of this shift in focus would be that we set an example for other men, and perhaps help balance the gender picture in churches. But regardless of the dating picture, or even how churches look at singles, we men need to set a standard of living for God.

What women can do
Camerin: When I was at that international conference discovering the global shortage of single Christian men, I prayed silently after one conversation: "God, you obviously are revealing a trend to me. But please don't leave me there. I don't want to just sit with this knowledge and become frustrated. I need action steps. I want something to do with this information." So, I'm doing what I know: I'm writing about it. Sounding the alarm, so to speak, that something's wrong. Pleading with our churches to target this missing demographic. And praying, as I've been doing since that conference, for revival among the single men of this world.

I think prayer is one of the best things women can do about this trend. One woman who responded to a column I wrote about the man-shortage put it so eloquently: "My prayer today is that we as women of God begin to pray for our men like never before, not out of selfish motivation but out of a sincere place of longing for our brothers to take their rightful places in church, in ministry, and maybe, just maybe, in our hearts."

Camerin Courtney is managing editor of Today's Christian Woman and a popular columnist for ChristianSinglesToday.com. Todd Hertz is an associate editor for Ignite Your Faith and a frequent contributor to ChristianSinglesToday.com. This article was adapted from The UnGuide to Dating: A He Said/She Said on Relationships, ©2006. Used by permission of Revell Books, a division of Baker Publishing Group.

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