Jim and Candy Arrington with their kids Neely and Jay

"Just get away from me. Back off! Don't touch me!"

I dropped my eyes, embarrassed and frustrated, as I glanced quickly toward the table next to us to see if anyone there had heard my husband's outburst. Wide-eyed, the children looked at me as their father threw several dollar bills on the table. "Just go. I can't handle this right now," he said as he shooed them toward the game room. I answered their bewildered looks with an encouraging nod and a promise to check on them soon, the calm in my voice masking my inner turmoil and fear.

Although it had happened many times before, the children and I were still struggling to cope. My husband was in the throes of a hypoglycemic reaction, the result of an overdose of insulin. The word overdose immediately brings to mind visions of drug abuse or suicide. This is not the case for a diabetic. Rather, it can be an everyday fact of life.

Beyond reason
For diabetics such as my husband, an insulin pump-dependent type 1, blood sugar balance is a daily, even hourly, battle. Even with careful blood glucose monitoring, sometimes as many as six to eight readings a day, insulin levels can rise and blood sugars dangerously drop in under an hour. There are some days when no amount of careful planning, diet, and monitoring can prevent a hypoglycemic reaction.

Dropping blood sugar results in a number of physical and emotional symptoms: profuse sweating, trembling hands, disorientation, confusion, and a feeling of panic. When my husband experiences such a reaction, he feels helpless and out of control, viewing those attempting to aid him through a cloud of paranoia and distrust. Rational thought diminishes and it becomes almost impossible to reason with him.

That day in the restaurant, I became my husband's worst enemy. Like a child refusing medicine, he fought my efforts to provide him with a quick dose of sugar to raise his blood sugar level. Even if I'd had a Glucagon injection with me, he would have been combative.

As I placed a soda and dessert before him, he shoved them aside so he could leisurely finish his salad. Speaking in as calm a voice as I could muster, I gently reminded him of the need to consume some sugar quickly, but he was too irrational to understand. I expected at any moment to see him literally lose consciousness and fall to the floor. Though more frightening, perhaps that would have been easier, since I could have called for paramedic assistance.

Though the medical urgency of hypoglycemia is a great concern, most difficult of all are the personality changes. When a person you love, and who loves you, shouts, "Back off, don't touch me!" it opens a wound that is difficult to heal. Though my children and I know my husband is speaking irrationally, his words still hurt. Following a hypoglycemic reaction, he can experience an emotional tailspin as feelings of embarrassment, anger, and defeat frequently surface.

During these moments of crisis over the 25 years of our marriage, I have come to understand the power of prayer. As I struggle to deal with my husband's irrational behavior and my fears for his health, only the gift of prayer and the empowering of the Holy Spirit provide the strength and courage I need. Without God's strength, I am powerless to face the situation with wisdom and patience.

An invisible burden
For each of us, there is the desire to deny the disease and ignore the ramifications, both present and future. It's easier not to think about potential kidney failure, amputation, or blindness. But low blood sugars, constant monitoring, slow-healing wounds, and a bathroom counter full of preventative medications belie our attempts to play "normal."

While the community and church usually offer great support for individuals and their families dealing with terminal illness, society for the most part is unaware of the difficulties associated with a chronic, life-threatening disease like diabetes. Because it is "invisible" and we tend to make great effort to hide it from others, relatives, friends, and acquaintances often see diabetes as merely a nuisance. They don't grasp the fear and daily burden associated with maintaining strict control of the disease.

I am as guilty as anyone of refusing to see my husband's frustration over the daily irritations of living with diabetes. While wearing a 30-day heart monitor, I gained a brief glimpse of what it must be like to have tubing protruding from your abdomen and wear your pancreas on your belt. After only days on the heart monitor, I resented the inconvenience of the electrodes, wires, and palm-sized monitor. My husband was patient while I whined and even defiantly refused to wear the equipment on occasion. From this experience, my insight into his daily struggles grew.

Though troublesome, the physical constraints of diabetes—diet, exercise, and insulin pump therapy—can be easier to cope with than the emotional turmoil. Only in the past few years, through counseling, has my husband been able to address the anger and fear he feels and recognize the subtle ways he is often non-compliant.

With the help of counseling, I have been able to admit my fears as well. I'm terrified that some day the phone will ring and the voice on the other end will say, "I'm sorry to have to tell you … "

Our children have great concern for their dad's health. The very real possibility that they might develop the disease or that Daddy might suddenly die is always in the back of their minds. When they were younger, they were sometimes afraid to be alone with him due to the responsibility that might arise if he "got low." Today, as high school and college sophomores, they have a greater understanding of the side effects of the disease and an ever-deepening love for their dad.

Daily surrender
Living with this disease often reminds me of my Christian walk. With diabetes, we must constantly submit to the doctor's authority, just as we are urged as Christians to submit to Christ's authority. We battle to maintain discipline in diet, exercise, and medication just as we do in Bible study, prayer, and worship. Just as diabetes must be managed on a daily basis, so must we daily surrender self in obedience to Christ's lordship. There is no cure or quick fix for diabetes on earth. But praise God, the cure for sin, illness, and death was settled long ago on the cross. Though the battle to recognize the victory rages on, the war has already been won.

My husband was still in the early phases of the disease when we met. Although hearing he was a diabetic was scary, I was not deterred because I was very much in love with him. I still am. Was I prepared for what lay ahead? No. Did I know he would face retinal hemorrhages, temporary blindness, and eye surgeries? No. Did I know we would have to work really hard to maintain emotional and physical intimacy? No. Would I have chosen to marry him if I had known? Absolutely!

When you love someone, you don't stop when circumstances are difficult. When the "or worse" is harder than you expected, you find and savor the good things about your relationship. Even in the shadow of a chronic illness, you discover ways to be encouraging and supportive. You make every moment count.

Adapted from The War Cry (June 2002). Candy Arrington is the coauthor of Aftershock: Help, Hope, and Healing in the Wake of Suicide (Broadman & Holman).

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