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O Brothers, Where Art Thou?
The absence of single men is emerging as one of the key trends in Christian dating. Here's the problem through the eyes of two expert observers—and some suggestions for fixing it.
By Camerin Courtney and Todd Hertz
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There's a heap of thorny issues related to Christian singleness: What is the most appropriate model for dating and courtship? Is chastity realistic for adult singles? Why have congregations fallen short in successfully integrating singles into the life of the church? We can't deal with them all here. But there is one practical issue that, for our money, rises to the top: Where are all the men? Both anecdotally and statistically, the disparity in the ratio of single women to men in the church is alarming. In this excerpt from their new book, The UnGuide to Dating, authors Camerin Courtney and Todd Hertz examine this troubling trend.
The discovery
Camerin:
Something's broken. I don't know exactly what it is or how to fix it, which maddens me to no end. I just know that something's unmistakably Not Right.
You see, recently I was at a conference for people who run Christian magazines for women in Eastern Europe. I, ever the lover of people from other cultures, was in heaven. At every meal or coffee break or evening playtime I was able to ask one of my favorite questions: "What is life like in your corner of the world?"
Now, I swear I didn't tell any of these women I'm a singles columnist. Some of them didn't even know I'm single, that I'm a never-married 30-something with countless female friends in the same boat (or even slightly older boats).
The first such conversation at the conference, with a lovely 40-something woman from Russia, went something like this:
Me: "So what are the main things Christian women in Russia wrestle with?"
Galina: "We have many smart, wonderful girls who are single in our churches. But no men for them."
Me (my voice a mixture of empathy and depression): "Really?"
Galina: "Yes. It's quite sad. Many are going to United States to find husband."
Me (all sweetness and cultural sensitivity): Well, tell them to get in line!"
Next it was a conversation with the two Bulgarians who painted a similar picture of a plethora of Christian women without the same number of Christian male counterparts.
The next day at lunch when someone asked me if I had any children and I answered, "No, I'm not married," the never-married 38-year-old Greek woman next to me blurted, "Oh, that makes me feel so much better!" She, too, shared about the seemingly missing generation of single men in her home country. As did a Malaysian woman who hadn't married until 29, an "old" age in her culture.
While there was a little part of me that enjoyed this kinship and understanding of my reality, I also was depressed that this apparent inequity in the singleness gender ratio is global. As I said, something's broken.
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