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How to Write a Sympathy Note

You can give real comfort through a thoughtful card

by Robert M. Bowers

What made those letters so special to me? I wondered. And could the things I found in those personal messages apply to anyone who finds it difficult to comfort someone experiencing loss? Here's what I discovered:

It takes only a few words. No matter how eloquent or simplistic, communicating is an expression of love. For our family, each note meant someone had taken the time and energy to let us know they were thinking of us. Even if what was written was just a few lines or the writer expressed fear of not saying the right thing, the fact that they set aside a few minutes to say "I sorrow with you" was touching.

Belated can be a blessing. Often there is a great deal of support immediately following a death. But then life goes back to normal for everyone-except for the grieving family. Don't hesitate to send a note weeks or even months later. A belated message is often a much-needed uplift the day it arrives.

Replay your memories. Letters that stood out for me were those that mentioned a special memory of Margie. It didn't matter what it was or when it happened. Things like: "I remember the day we read of her birth announcement and how happy you were to have a girl [after four boys] at last!"

"I so vividly recall the earnestness of her face and her intensity when she sang in the choir."

"I can picture her now sitting on the back steps and playing with her dolls as a little girl of three."

"When I think of her, I think of kindness."

"I'll never forget that day I was sick, and she came over and washed my dishes."

Such comments are precious reminders of some character trait or some long-forgotten event. No detail is too trivial. There is no greater comfort to the bereaved than to talk about their loved one.

Give your feelings a context. It was meaningful when someone detailed exactly what they were doing when they heard of Margie's death. "I was outside weeding the garden when the postman put two letters in our box. What a shock as I stood there on the front porch reading of your tragedy with tears streaming down my face." Another wrote, "We had just reached the shopping mall when I saw a friend waving to me. We walked over to greet her only to hear of your tragic loss." It's as though they were saying, "That moment was important to me." Of course, in many deaths there is not the same element of shock, but for everyone there is a moment when they hear about the loss.

Wait to catch up with your own news. Often a death becomes an impetus for a friend who is long overdue with a letter to write. Focus your thoughts on the grieving person, avoiding the temptation of "catching them up" with your life. A lot may have happened to you-a job change, new grandchildren, dreams realized-but include this personal news in a separate letter. When you say, "I care, but life goes on … " it tends to lessen the impact of your comfort.

Write out the verse, not just the reference. If a Bible verse is worth giving, it's worth writing out. For myself, even though my intentions were good, I didn't look up each verse jotted down. What I said I was going to do later never happened. Before you include a verse, check out different Bible versions. Maybe a certain translation expresses most clearly what you are trying to say.

One caution: verses like Philippians 4:4 and Romans 8:28 should be used sensitively. These are wonderful truths from God but in some cases (like my sister's murder) hearing "Rejoice … always" or "All things work together for good," was pretty difficult to take. At the time, this was a horrible thing, not a good thing to us.

So many years later, I still miss Margie. But I remember one verse-John 13:7-noted by a friend: "You do not realize now what I am doing, but later you will understand."

Your card can be God's balm to grieving friends. On that long afternoon those years ago, I was not only touched by those letters, I was held by God's hands on earth.

A Christian Reader original article.

Copyright © 1996 by the author or Christianity Today International/Today's Christian magazine (formerly Christian Reader).
Click here for reprint information.

Last updated: September 10, 1996

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