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Seven Steps Away from Happily Ever After

Reversing these myths leads back to a satisfying marriage

-by Susan Saunders

Sometimes we walk away from happiness. Illusions can cause us to go the opposite direction from where satisfaction is found.

My husband, Sandy, is big and warm, easy to live with and love. He has an even disposition, a gentle reasonableness, and integrity like the granite of his native Vermont. He listens to me, comforts me, makes me smile each day.

When I married Sandy, I had every reason to expect happiness. And I've found it. But to do so, I had to stop believing in myths. I was wrong both in my expectations of marriage and what my response would be when problems came along. After fourteen years of marriage, the myths I once believed have been redefined by reality.

Here are seven myths I brought with me into marriage. I had to reverse these assumptions to find what I was looking for.

Myth 1: Always reveal your hurts and disappointments. Sandy and I had resolved not to let hurts fester, so we incorporated this into our wedding vows: "Hurts and disappointments are inevitable in the wear and tear of daily living. We promise each other not to conceal them but to gently share them, knowing they can often be erased or explained away."

I have kept that vow—sometimes. I have learned to weigh my hurts before I share them: Is this important? Or am I just having a bad day? Was it intentional? How does Sandy view this? What will my telling him do to our relationship?

I've learned to be selective about the hurts I share. Some I decide to just live with.

Myth 2: Being sensitive means always knowing the other's wants and needs. Someone newly in love may think this, but experience says no. Partners are not tuned in to all our needs and feelings. They may be eager, though, to meet them if we reveal them.

I remember as a new bride coming to the Vermont countryside and battling a bad case of the "I-don't-belong blues." Sandy's friends owned rolling expanses of farmland, were active leaders in their small towns, came from a long line of Vermonters. I was a teacher from Florida more comfortable in classrooms and libraries, and I felt alienated.

Finally I admitted to Sandy, "When we're with your friends, I feel left out and lonely." From then on, he naturally drew me into conversations and planned relaxing picnics. It helped.

Other times when I struggled with the "Does-he-really-care blues," I sought reassurance: "I've been feeling pretty low lately—I can use some extra love." Hugs helped.

Myth 3: Cross words can never be positive. "We never have a cross word," some couples say with pride. Though I can't claim the same in our marriage, I've learned to look at them differently.

I used to feel hurt if Sandy even frowned. I know now that cross words can be precious clues. Most of the time, Sandy hides his hurts and disappointments. But in the heat of a quarrel he sometimes reveals his true feelings. It's an opportunity for me to pinpoint whatever caused the conflict, to learn what is troubling him, then try to meet his needs. Those cross words, I realize, may be at life, not at me. It gives me a chance to give support and comfort.

I'm thankful that Sandy feels secure enough to show some irritation now and then. Don't we reveal our true selves to those we know will love us anyway?

Myth 4: Candlelit dinners and flowers on special days are musts. Sandy doesn't arrange intimate dinners, and he doesn't have the florist deliver flowers. And it's hard for him to say in words, "I love you."

I married a Vermonter, and Vermonters, I've learned, feel deeply but rarely express those feelings. A counselor friend has helped me see the difference between personal and impersonal expressions of caring. Those florist's flowers and spoken words are personal expressions. Putting up my bird feeder and waiting patiently in the car while I choose pansies for my garden are impersonal but nonetheless genuine expressions.

Whenever I've needed Sandy, he's been right there. "True romance," someone said, "often comes in disguise."

Myth 5: Marriage is too serious to be fun. Sometimes Sandy and I are overcome with guilt when we take time to relax. "Why are we relaxing," we ask ourselves, "when there are so many pressing things to do?"

But a married life of only "worthwhile" things can lead to burnout. Then, when crises come that need immediate attention, there may be no energy to meet them.

I remind myself that Jesus' mission was world-changing. Yet he took time for rest—time to refresh himself out-of-doors, to mingle with guests at a wedding, to linger over supper with his friends, Martha and Mary.

The psalmist David visualized a Good Shepherd leading his sheep to rest: "He maketh me to lie down in green pastures."

Myth 6: A satisfying sexual relationship comes easily. As much in love you might be, this isn't always true. Yet a relationship that at first falls short may, with time, patience, and openness, become deeply fulfilling.

Sandy is a big teddy-bear of a man. From the beginning, just being close to him was comforting to me. But as time passed and we openly shared with each other, a closer intimacy has developed.

Myth 7: Choose your partner carefully and there'll be no surprises. My friend counseled me: "You and Sandy are not Mr. and Mrs. Perfect, tuned in to all each other's wants and needs, all wise in choosing courses of action, endowed with heaven-sent wisdom, 100 percent loving and lovable, all-giving to each other at all times.

"Instead, you are—and have a right to be—human beings. And human beings come packaged with faults.

"If you can love only Mr. Perfect," she went on, "you doom yourself to a lonely life. There aren't many Mr. Perfects around!"

Sandy's Great-aunt Lucy realized this, too. Sandy and I found her letter, crumbling and yellow with age, in an old trunk in the attic of the family farmhouse. She had written it to her daughter to be opened on her wedding morning:

"Know, dear, that the one you have chosen is human and that gentle words from the Bible counsel us to forgive. Don't fret if the fabric of your dreams turns out to be less bright than you had thought. There are beautiful shades in the grays and browns of a quilt—as much so as in the pinks and blues and, oh, they wear so much better!"

The highs of our courtship days were the fragile pinks and blues. We are now experiencing, after years of marriage, the soft grays and browns Great-aunt Lucy mentioned. And we wouldn't want it any other way.

Copyright © 1996 by the author or Christianity Today International/Today's Christian magazine (formerly Christian Reader).
Click here for reprint information.

Last Updated: October 18, 1996

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