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What Children of Divorce Really Think

And how you can help

-by Angela Elwell Hunt

No matter how good you think the communication is between you and your children, stepchildren, or even grandchildren, after a divorce there are some things kids just won't tell you—secrets kids desperately want you to know and understand, but probably don't feel comfortable talking about.

As a youth pastor's wife for more than sixteen years, I've had the opportunity to talk with hundreds of kids who poured out their hearts to me about the things they wanted to say but couldn't tell their divorced parents. Here are some of those secret thoughts.

I just can't tell you how alone I feel.
Children of divorce often feel isolated. After the divorce, they wear a smile around mom and dad to keep peace in the family, but inside they're miserable. To cope with their pain, they may withdraw, become angry, and fight with whomever crosses their path. Or they may clown excessively, deny reality, delve into overachievement, or conform with their peers to minimize how "different" they feel from everyone else.

Ask the child how he or she honestly feels about the divorce. Point out it's okay to feel angry or sad. And don't expect a child to feel the same way the involved adults do.

I wonder if my mom and dad ever really loved each other. Isn't love supposed to last forever?
Go through old photo albums and dig out those wedding pictures. It's important for kids of all ages to know they were wanted and enjoyed. Reassure the child there were happy times, that his or her father or mother both had strong and decent qualities the other loved.

"I don't know why my mom and dad ever got married," a teen told me. "I used to think I was adopted because there was no way they could have stopped fighting long enough to have me!"

"For good or bad, people sometimes change," I answered him. "Ask your mom about the days when they fell in love. Maybe they were too immature to get married, and maybe they did have fights, but none of that changes the fact you're here and you're special. God created you for a purpose."

Real love can last forever, but too few people take time to discover what it really involves.

I think it was my fault, because I heard Mom and Dad fighting over me.
Parents who aren't getting along will fight over the issues involved in parenting. To a child listening through the walls, it may seem every fight is his or her fault. Younger children are more likely than older kids to blame themselves for a divorce, but all children need to know most arguments about them result from problems in the marriage, not the other way around.

Mom and Dad expect me to "adjust," but the home I once knew is gone. Why can't they cut me some slack?
Kids, by definition, lack maturity. They don't know how to "be angry and not sin" (Eph. 4:26, Psa. 4:4, NKJV). Many times they can't even verbalize why or at whom they're angry.

Let kids know anger is natural—we can't control our feelings. But we can control our actions and talk about what's hurt us and our reactions. Ask direct questions: "Are you angry because your father can't see you this weekend? Are you angry because you think your mother's spending too much time at work?" By analyzing what they're feeling, children can begin to recognize and master that powerful emotion.

Sometimes I'm relieved my parents are divorced. Then I feel guilty. Shouldn't I want them to be together?
Children whose homes were a living nightmare often rejoice when their parents divorce. They're thankful they won't have to call the police again to stop the fighting, and relieved to know an abusive or alcoholic parent no longer will create havoc in the home.

But as time passes, that initial relief may fade into guilt, especially if Dad ends up in jail or Mom cries from loneliness. A child may feel like a traitor.

If this is the situation, encourage the child not to hate or fear the absent parent, but to pray for him or her. Everyone in the family needs time to heal and learn new ways of coping with problems. Assure the child that though some problems seem insurmountable, Christ is there, walking with them through the tough spots.

Mom and Dad use me to spy on each other, and each wants to be my favorite parent. I feel caught in the middle!
"Twenty Questions," "I Spy," "The Price is Right"—these games all take on new meaning when played by divorced parents and their children. It's all too easy for parents to compete for their children's loyalty, but remember, a united front is still the best approach to parenting, divorce or no divorce.

In all fairness, kids play divorce games, too. They often pit parents against each other, vying for the "best deal."

Sometimes I feel like I'm the adult and my parents are children.
A thirteen-year-old told me her mom comes home from work every day and lies down, too tired and upset to cook. Another teenager, Lacey, has to beg her mom to take a few bites of food. "I really worry about her," Lacey told me.

"Sometimes I feel I'm my dad's mother," another teenage girl told me. "I send him little cards to cheer him up. He's always depressed when I see him."

It's easy for a parent recovering from divorce to collapse and let someone else care for him or her for a while. But children aren't equipped to handle the role reversal. They need the freedom to be children. While it's good for kids to help around the house, don't let them take on too much responsibility. It's not healthy for them to be consumed with worry for their parents' ability to survive.

My parents divorced, so I'll never get married. Love and marriage just don't work.
I've heard this thought expressed many times: "Hey, my parents were Christians, and they couldn't make it work, so there's no hope for me."

Sensitive to their maturity level, be honest with kids about why the divorce happened. Many parents shrug off their kids' curiosity with "You're too young to understand."

But children of divorce need to know so they can keep from making those same mistakes and breaking those commitments. Be encouraging, hopeful, and strong when you talk to children about their future marriage partners. Tell them to wait and trust God's timing, and reassure them that you're praying now for the person they'll one day marry.

More than anything, I want my mom and dad to get together again.
If theirs was a fairly happy home, or if they were ignorant about the problems in the marriage, children may have only good memories of the time their family was intact. Those memories grow more precious as time goes on. They may resent a stepparent because remarriage means the old marriage will never be restored.

Again, be honest—let them know it's okay to remember past happiness, but happiness can be found in the future, too.

I love Dad, but Mom doesn't love him anymore. When she tells me what a loser he is, I just want to die. Why can't she understand that?
One golden rule for divorced parenting is this: Give children the freedom to love their other parent (even their stepparents!). No matter how clear the ex-husband's faults, no matter how rotten or lousy the marriage was, a child needs to be able to choose to love and admire both parents. After all, when one parent is constantly criticized, in effect the child is being criticized as well.

I counseled one teenage girl who couldn't stand her mom's constant criticism of her father. The more the mother complained about his drinking and irresponsibility, the more the daughter resented her mother and idolized her "misunderstood" father. Finally the daughter tried to run away to the father she'd mentally built up into heroic proportions. When running away failed, she tried to commit suicide.

"Can you see your father really is irresponsible?" I gently asked her later. "He couldn't take care of you if he wanted to."

"I know," she admitted, "but I can't think about him that way. I have to think about him in my own way."

She wasn't ready to face the hard truth; time and maturity will open her eyes. And when that revelation occurs, I hope she'll look to our heavenly Father as the perfect, caring substitute for her earthly dad.

Children of divorce must handle some pretty tough situations, and they need help and encouragement to "hang in there." Don't hesitate to admit you don't have all the answers, but you know where to find them. Christ freely offers his strength and his hope. And his forgiveness is ours to extend to others.

Copyright © 1997 by the author or Christianity Today International/Today's Christian magazine (formerly Christian Reader).
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