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My friend Liz and I can talk about our hair for hours. She'll tell me if I need to wear a jacket with that certain dress. And we have something only the closest friends have: a Mustache Pact. That means if either of us ever goes into a coma, the other will come and wax the comatose friend. That's a real bud.
Then there are those friendships that require more. Have you ever checked the Caller ID with a moan? Cringed at a lunch invitation? Rolled your eyes when the doorbell rang? If you have a friendship struggle, you're in good company—so to speak. Ethel Mertz had Lucy Ricardo. Barney Rubble had Fred Flintstone. High-maintenance friends pop up in everyone's life at one time or another.
Whether it's because of annoying habits or attitudes, a difficult husband, intolerable children, or overwhelming neediness, sometimes friendship can be tough. A perfect friend? That's annoying, too!
I'd love to become "Super Friend," persevering locomotive–style in those relationships not only when friendship is easy and mustache-free, but also when it's work. Here's what I've learned.
Learn Your LimitationsI know about those "work" friendships. While friendship happens easily with Liz, my relationship with Jan has been a different story. Jan and I started chatting on the phone several years ago when our sons became good friends. Jan is caring and funny, and I enjoy our time together. But she started popping in several times a week. When she came to visit, she clearly expected me to drop everything and play hostess. Even the days she didn't drop by, she called—sometimes several times. "Just one more thing … " she'd say. Then an hour later, my errands would still be undone and dinner would be late—again.
In addition to the time demands, I started to feel emotionally drained. Jan counted on me for advice in some overwhelming struggles in her marriage, with her children, and even in her finances. She confided that I was really the only person to whom she could talk, so anytime I cut our calls and visits short, I felt I was abandoning her and guilt would creep in.
I've had difficulty learning that sometimes being a good friend is knowing when to lovingly say "no." Loving a friend at all times (Proverbs 17:17) doesn't mean attending to her at all times.
Jan needed more than just my friendship. I knew I needed to encourage her to rely on God to meet her needs. We started praying together, and I began to pray for her more on my own as well. And when I realized I wasn't doing her any favors by not being completely honest with her, I learned to let her know tactfully when I didn't have time to sit and chat. I'm still learning how to be a good friend to her.
Beg for Back-upI also learned to point Jan to a network of my own mentors. At one point, I invited her to lunch with another friend I respect. I knew Lilly could offer Jan wise counsel and maybe a new perspective or two. I also knew I couldn't force a relationship. I simply made the opportunity and left the sharing part up to Jan. I was excited when she chose to open up. Lilly gave Jan wise insights, and we were fortunate to have another prayer partner.
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