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Dear Dr. Langberg,
I'm single, and the holidays are often hard for me because I'm not dating anyone. It starts with my office Christmas party, where everyone else is with a spouse or serious boyfriend. Then, at family get-togethers, my relatives grill me about what's going on in the "romance department"—putting me on the defensive. How can I survive this season without feeling like a zero?
It's true—the holidays have a way of provoking painful issues in us. Perhaps that's because we have expectations, fed by the media, that this is a season when all our hopes and dreams come true. No death, no broken relationships, no unrealized dreams appear in the media's portrayal of the holidays. It's these kinds of portraits that highlight our private losses or struggles.
Being single certainly can be one of those difficult areas. Too often office Christmas parties and other gatherings are "coupled." But at such times, singles can help each other out: "I'll go to your office party if you'll come to mine." If you're in a singles group at church and have a couple of solid friendships with some guys, consider that possibility. If not, then attend these functions with the goal of interacting with others in order to get to know them. If you go with a self-conscious mindset, the experience will be even harder.
Families are another matter. Family members who grill a single don't fully understand the negative impact of such an interchange. So when your family members ask you about the "romance department," say something such as: "There's no news in that area, but let me tell you what's happening at work (or in my ministry, or with my new project)." Take charge of the conversation, re directing it firmly and graciously. Not only will you provide a different topic for discussion, but you'll feel less defensive.
Finally, in the midst of it all, re member what the holidays are really about—the most momentous event in history, the entrance of God's Son into space and time. Everything else turns on this one act. Whether we're married or single, we all need to seek God for ways to make our holiday circumstances revolve around what's truly central—the life of Jesus.
I'm very social—and my husband isn't. He hates making small talk, while I love to schmooze. He gets upset with me because I love to entertain during the holidays—the more, the merrier—and I enjoy a full calendar of things to do and people to meet. The last thing I want to do is sit by a roaring fire, doing nothing—yet that's exactly what he seems to enjoy most! How can we work this out?
It sounds as though Mrs. Extrovert is married to Mr. Introvert!
Human nature looks out for its own interests, making marriage a tug-of-war in which each spouse pulls for "my turn." If you win that tug- of-war, your introvert husband will feel uncared for and invisible. The same will be true for you if your marriage becomes suited solely to your husband's temperament.
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