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"You just don't understand!" "It's no use talking to you about it."

If you're a mom, chances are you've heard one of these phrases from your kids. More than anything, all moms long for good communication with their kids, but the reality is, it doesn't happen unless you cultivate an atmosphere of acceptance in your home. The following six actions will help you create an environment that encourages—rather than discourages—parent-child communication.

True communication grows out of the relational groundwork you create when your children are young. Set aside daily time with each child. Read him a story; build a sandcastle; go for a walk and collect flowers or stones along the way.

Much fuss has been made over the quality-time versus quantity-time issue. But for our kids, it's not either/or, it's both. Little amounts of time work with little kids. But as they grow older, you can't "program" time when a teen will want to talk. You have to hang around just in case the urge strikes. And it's likely it will strike at an inconvenient time for you—late at night, or right in the midst of a project. If your teen wants to talk, turn off the TV (just pushing the mute button isn't enough). Setting aside your own agenda to listen to your child takes time—but it's well worth it!

You may have one child who tells you everything, but another who's so uncommunicative, you wonder how two children in the same family can be so different. Relax! Each child is wired differently, and as your kids move into the teen years, they talk to their friends more—and you less. That's normal.

Suppose all you get from your teen when you ask, "How was your day at school?" is "Fine"—and your communication sinks to an awkward silence. Start asking questions that call for more than a one-word answer, such as, "What's one interesting thing you learned today?" "Is there someone in your class for whom we should pray?" "Which class do you like the most right now?"

Don't expect your child to respond positively. He may be more likely to roll his eyes and say, "Ah, Mom, you ask too many questions." When my son said this, I merely laughed and said, "I know, but one day you'll have a wife, and she'll want details, so I'm just training you to be a good husband!"

At some point, most kids try to talk back to their parents and siblings. But don't permit it. When our children were young and tried talking back, we simply washed out their mouths with yucky- tasting soap. One friend uses white vinegar, another a drop of Tabasco sauce. If your children are older, use other means of discipline. Teach your children how to disagree with you and with each other without verbal abuse.

The carpool can be a great research tool. The kids forget you're there. You learn who can spit the farthest, who's the meanest teacher, and who likes whom.

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July/August 2001, Vol. 23, No. 4, Page 14

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