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When my husband and I prepared to adopt our daughter, Grace, two years ago, friends offered dire warnings. "Forget about passion," said one. "The good part is, you'll be too tired to even care that it's gone," quipped another.
"The unhappiest years of most marriages are when the children are small," said my friend the psychologist, who ought to know.
Of course I was worried. I liked being happily married, and I didn't want to ruin our relationship. But being an optimist, I swallowed my fear and plunged ahead. I hoped and believed my husband, Mike, and I could maintain our pre-child romance, even after becoming parents.
Did we succeed? Well … not exactly. Since we brought our daughter home, I've given up making elegant candlelit meals for two. Instead, I throw together quick-prep, toddler-friendly meals such as meatloaf, served in light bright enough to reveal my every wrinkle. When we collapse into bed at night, the exclamations often have to do with the hard plastic stacking cups we've plopped down on.
And yet … and yet.
Am I the only woman who finds her husband more appealing now that he's a dad? Are we the only parents who find that the increased time we now spend at home with our daughter can bring us closer as lovers, too?
I've found parenting to be a roller-coaster ride for my marriage, with snippy "don't-touch-me" valleys and deliciously romantic peaks. It takes effort, but I'm convinced parenting can make a marriage more romantic. Here's what I've discovered about married-with-children romance:
That All-Important Sense of Humor.When asked what qualities they find appealing in a potential partner, most people rate "sense of humor" at the top of the list. I loved my husband Mike's ready smile and willingness to share a laugh from the first time I met him.
But when we were a childless, hard-driving career couple, we took life seriously. There wasn't a lot to laugh about as we worked toward professional goals, contended with office politics, and climbed toward the top of the ladder.
Now, we laugh together all the time. As Grace dances, shouts aggressive greetings to surly grocery-store baggers, and gobbles handfuls of goldfish-shaped crackers, we can't even pretend life is all serious business.
The best lovers' jokes are private jokes, and your child is the ultimate one. That's why spouses save up kid stories for each other: No one else appreciates them in quite the same way.
No More Me-Me-Me.Selfishness is the antithesis of love. And parenting destroys it.
Nothing teaches a self-centered person she's not the center of the universe better than being around another self-centered person. When that self-centered rival is your child, there's no ego contest: Your son or daughter wins every time.
In being a servant to your child, you learn the crucial lesson that serving others feels good. And there's a spiritual benefit: If we want to live like Jesus, we're commanded to serve others as he did.
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