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Paul Coughlin, author, Christian radio talk-show host, and married father of three, describes himself as a "former Christian nice guy." Raised in an abusive home and brought up with a warped, wimpy picture of Jesus, Paul, 39, looked around at his life six years ago and realized he was a frustrated man. "When I brought the fear-based passivity of my youth, combined with the false ideal of Mild Jesus into my marriage, fireworks exploded," Paul explains. "Providing for my family was tough because I was no match for coworkers and bosses who knew they could bowl me over. And I feared passing my emotional void onto my children."
When Paul shared his experiences and observations about passive men, people responded enthusiastically, thanking him for discussing a dynamic that so negatively affected their relationships. Paul also found validation from respected Christian leaders, such as Chuck Swindoll, who wrote: "The passive husband continues to be one of the most common complaints I hear from troubled homes."
Paul realized passivity was impacting countless other families as well. So he staged his own No More Mr. Nice Guy Revolution, waging a fight against passionless living via his website www.ChristianNiceGuy.com and his book No More Christian Nice Guy (Bethany House) last year. TCW recently caught up with Paul to find out how wives, mothers, grandmothers, sisters, and friends can help the Nice Christian Guys in their lives.
So what's wrong with being nice?
If by "nice" you mean a person who's gentle and patient, then there's nothing wrong with that. Those attributes are fruits of the Spirit. But oftentimes when someone is described as a "nice guy," it's not as it appears. Nice people are often passive; they're hiding behind that "niceness." Nice Guys figure, If I live small, my troubles will be few. They often go with the flow—not because they agree with you, but because they're afraid of conflict.
But as followers of Christ, we're supposed to be honest with others. We're supposed to be salt and light to those who don't know Jesus (Matthew 5:13-16). It's difficult to be salt and light when you think you've got to be agreeable all the time.
If nice is bad, what's the better alternative?
Being a Good Guy. A Good Guy is willing to enter into conflict to be a redemptive force for good. He has a strong will. He takes chances on occasion. He's protective of those in his care. He stands up to injustice. Where a Nice Guy is pretty emotionless, a Good Guy is passionate about life. His way of living looks a lot more like the "abundant life" Jesus talks about in John 10:10.
Where does the Christian Nice Guy phenomenon come from?
Much of it stems from an inaccurate picture of Jesus. Contrary to the common fiction many churches promote of "gentle Jesus, meek and mild," Jesus was both amazingly compassionate and assertive. In the Gospel of Mark alone we see Jesus confronting people, healing people, yelling at people, calling people names. We have the notion Jesus was endlessly patient, yet he turned to his disciples, seemingly exasperated, and said, "O unbelieving and perverse generation … How long shall I put up with you?" (Matthew 17:17).
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