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Most evenings my husband doesn't come home from work until nine or ten. By that time, the kids are in bed, and he and I are both exhausted. I'm really frustrated by this. Is there anything I can do to get him to come home earlier?
Almost every wife I talk to can identify to some degree with your situation. A recent five-year study blames the majority of stress couples experience at home on long hours at the office and bringing work home. Far too many couples end up spending their "quality" time together exhausted in front of the television, eating dinner and reading the mail before they completely crash for the night.
I say this to let you know right off the bat that your question's a serious one. The impact of workaholism on a family can be devastating. As with any other addiction, its consequences eventually manifest themselves in broken marriages and broken homes. Recent research at the University of North Carolina reveals children of workaholics developed the same disorders as children of alcoholics, such as depression and anxiety. Not only that, when your husband's all-consuming workload robs you and your children of his presence, you're prone to suffer resentment, self-pity, and loneliness. When the situation feels chronic, these feelings are only magnified by hopelessness.
But is your situation hopeless? Definitely not. Even when entrenched, a workaholic husband's patterns can change. The solution, however, is probably the opposite of what you're doing right now. It hangs on your conscious effort to strip away a demanding, negative, or even a disappointed attitude.
I feel you cringing as you read this. I understand—but realize how tough it is for your husband to come home each night anticipating an emotional undertow. And when he feels like a failure at home, he may be inclined to stay at work even more. After all, at work his performance is valued, and he feels successful. So the key is to let him know—without condemning him—that you genuinely miss him, that the loss of his presence is deeply felt by the kids, and that you're sad he's missing out on marriage and family moments.
Because "marriage" and "parenting" rarely seem as urgent as other tasks on our to-do list, they can get shuffled to the bottom of our priority list almost unconsciously. The trick is to find a fun way to help your husband move them up to a high-priority position on his agenda. One way to do this is to uncover an activity he'd enjoy doing with you or the family. Have a pow-wow and make a commitment together that involves prescheduled events. For example, purchase tickets to a play or a ballgame. This creates a planned moment of connection and makes time together a concrete item on his agenda.
One more thought: Workaholics often associate possessions with security, acceptance, and approval. Your husband may be showing his love to you by giving things instead of himself. If this is the case, simply reassure him that you appreciate what he provides, but also convey that the greatest gift he ever gives is his presence.
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