1 of 2
Q. My husband looks at other women constantly—turning his head and bending to get a better look when a pretty young woman walks by. I've told him many times this hurts me, but he says he needs to look at women. Should I write this off as a "men will be men" behavior, or should he stop his ogling?
A. It's nearly a universal reality: The sight of a beautiful woman has a powerful effect on a man. No matter how high his moral standards might be, a healthy male will sometimes involuntarily experience visually stimulated sexual thoughts. Nothing short of a change in the way the male brain is programmed will alter this. What are voluntary are the choices each man makes about how long and hard he dwells on these thoughts.
The bottom line is that you and your husband are both right. You need and deserve your husband's exclusive attention and affection to feel cherished. On the other hand, your husband will always be affected by the physical reality of a beautiful woman in his environment. The toughest part of this dynamic is addressing it in a way that brings true resolve: The more you emphasize your concern, and the harder he tries not to think about other women, the more likely he'll be prone to do so.
After you've expressed your feelings, don't harp on your husband; allow space and time for his attention to other women to lessen. However, if your husband ignores your vulnerable and candid request and flagrantly continues to eyeball other women in your presence, there are probably more serious underlying issues at play you both need to address with a trusted counselor. It's important to handle these kinds of issues in the presence of someone who's objective and supportive of you both, because the more your husband feels free to be open with you regarding his sexuality, without the fear of judgment, the more healthy his sexuality will tend to be.
The point is that you don't want be the one policing your husband's wandering eyes—and you don't have to write off his behavior as just something men do. You deserve more respect than that. A few years into my marriage, my husband, Les, and I came to a strategy that works for us. When Les is struck by another woman's beauty, he's likely to acknowledge it and then affirm me as his chosen lover. It's our way of staying genuine, a bit playful, and always respectful.
Separate Vacations?Q. My husband of three years has little interest in getting to know my friends from my single days. So I usually take a solo trip every year to see one or two of these friends who live out of state. I've invited my husband along, but he demurs. Still, I sense he's increasingly annoyed that I take a vacation without him. Is it unreasonable for me to want to visit these valued friends?
A. I've never met a woman who doesn't deeply value—and absolutely rely on—emotional intimacy. We desire it in our marriage and in our friendships. The tides of our emotional well-being rise and fall based on the depth of connection we feel with the significant people in our life.
 E-mail this page   Print this article  Post a comment |
