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When I first met Karyn*, her zany humor and spiritual depth drew me in. Even though we're polar opposites—I love hiking and adventure, she likes sitting on the deck and sipping tea—we connected instantly. We talked about everything, especially our families.
Then Karyn's husband, eager for a new beginning, quit his job. Before long, however, it became evident he wasn't actively seeking employment. He stayed up late at night, watching endless hours of television, then slept long into the day. Soon he withdrew from friends, family, and Karyn, even refusing to go to church with her. The harder Karyn tried to help—begging him to visit a counselor, highlighting possible employment ads, asking him to reconnect with church friends—the more her husband resisted.
I was in unfamiliar territory as a friend. Angered by how Karyn's husband treated her, I offered opinions instead of listened to her. As her marriage spiraled downhill, our conversations grew more stilted. Not wanting to add to Karyn's pain, I carefully sidestepped the topic of my healthy marriage.
Overwhelmed by life, Karyn isolated herself from her close friends. As the barriers between us seemed to loom larger, I made the mistake of letting our friendship slip away just when she needed me most.
One day, while I prayed for Karyn, tears streaming down my face, God reminded me that while I couldn't mend Karyn's marriage, I could love her through the hard times. I realized I needed to search for gentle, creative, practical ways to support her in the midst of her crisis, instead of wait for her to ask me for help. That's what being committed to our friendship—for better, for worse—meant.
Unsure where to begin, I contacted a few friends who'd also experienced the pain of an unhappy marriage. Their advice started me on the right path.
1. Provide comfort.Whether it's chocolate, a hug, a kind word, or time for a nap, small comforts remind your friend she's not alone in her time of need. Treat her to lunch. Babysit her children for a few hours to allow her personal time. Whip up her favorite dessert. Send her a photo of you two with a personal inscription. Buy her a gift certificate for a massage, or join her for a pedicure or manicure.
I knew Karyn loves candles and solitude, so I filled a small gift bag with tea lights, soothing bath beads, and lotion. Inside I placed a fun card I'd signed, "I miss you." When I dropped by her workplace and handed her the gift, she gave me a warm hug. We talked for a few minutes, and then I left. Those moments were a start to restoring our friendship.
When the husband of my friend Cheryl became addicted to alcohol, Cheryl was so busy caring for her children that she had no time left to care for herself.
Then one day, while she and her college-aged son stood in line at McDonald's, he put his arms around her tightly and asked, "When was the last time someone who truly loves you hugged you?" To this day Cheryl remembers the power of her son's hug and caring words.
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