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"My husband and I feel the same way about his parents. We don't like them. But whenever I say something negative about them, he gets defensive! What gives?"
Anyone who's ever spoken a harsh word against hubby's mama has encountered the same thing: a bad case of smackdown. Counselor and co-author of Mad About Us: Moving from Anger to Intimacy with Your Mate (Bethany),
Dr. Gary Oliver has this warning: "If crazy is to find out what doesn't work and keep on doing it, then saying negative things about your in-laws probably isn't anything even close to smart. Unless you enjoy being miserable."
Rules for in-law criticisms:- When tempted to say something negative, keep quiet.
- When tempted to agree with someone from the family about someone from the family, nod up a storm inside your head. Then see #1.
- When tempted to badmouth your in-laws in front of your children, keep your lips sealed.
As much as your husband may have issues with his family, they're still his family. Only family members who have toughed it out since childhood together have a right to take issue with their own.
I know it's tough! They probably do get on your nerves. But the old saying "If you don't have anything nice to say, don't say anything at all" has biblical roots. Proverbs 10:14 (NLT) tells us, "Wise people treasure knowledge, but the babbling of a fool invites trouble."
Dr. Oliver agrees. "If you must say something, start with something positive, then share one concern that maybe you and your husband can do something about."
If your in-laws are doing something that's directly affecting your marriage or your children, then definitely have your say to them about it. But don't stoop to their level. Say your piece with a spirit of grace that shows your class.
But more often, the better approach is to simply let it go. The next time you want to join a gripe fest, try this instead: Agree mentally, then ask God to give you a heart of peace, eyes that see the good, a mind to ignore the not-so-good, and a faith to trust that the God who created us all can do much more in their lives than your criticizing ever could.
Bedroom Discomforts"My husband keeps asking me to do things in the bedroom I'm not comfortable with. But when I tell him "no," he gets upset and the whole mood is ruined. How can I make him understand my point of view?"
This is a hot-button issue in a lot of marriages. And it can come from two completely different angles. One is the "This is sin; no other way around it" category to which you should be uncomfortable and say no. The other is the "I don't want to, therefore it's wrong, so stop asking" category. Too often women put the second category in with the first, and that's a problem.
Certified Christian sex therapist, Debra Taylor says, "Share your feelings about doing with him the things he's suggested. Is that how he wants you to feel during sex? Be specific about what makes you uncomfortable."
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