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When my friend Amy announced she was getting a divorce, I was shocked. She was a dedicated, patient Christian married to an unbeliever, and though I knew there were problems, I naively thought patience, faith, and love would conquer everything. When she told me Stan had left, I didn't know what to say. If he had died, I would have gone to the funeral, brought food and flowers, and kept her company during the grieving process. Divorce seemed more awkward. I offered my sympathy and encouragement, but kept a "hands off" approach as Amy began sorting out her new single life.
Five years later, when my own marriage dissolved in divorce, I learned the hard way how painful it is when Christian friends don't know how to comfort. Like Amy, I'd masked the chaos in my life and the life of my children behind a calm facade; my Christian friends had no idea of the seriously troubled dynamics of my marriage to an alcoholic. When they learned of the pending divorce I hadn't initiated, a few awkwardly offered words of comfort. Many, however, just avoided me or chirped a cheery, "How are you," then zipped into the sanctuary without waiting for an answer. I often suffered alone; my friends didn't have words to help me.
Amy and I both changed churches following our divorces, but it took Amy nearly ten years to find a new, more loving congregation. Another friend abandoned church nearly twenty years ago after her devastating experience with a congregation that failed to model Christ's love, and she's never returned. Yet it really isn't hard to be a friend to someone who is divorced; all it takes is common sense and compassion. Here are some ways to be a better friend to your friends who are divorced:
Don't be afraid to share her pain and anger. There's always pain in divorce, both for the parting spouses and for any children from the marriage. Yet your friend may be afraid to trust you with her pain. When my feelings were raw from rejection, I covered up my fear and inadequacy with busyness. Inwardly, however, I desperately needed emotional support, love, and affirmation. When my Christian friends avoided me, not knowing how to help, I felt even more rejected and unloved.
Through a writers group, God led me to two very special Christian sisters from another church, Nancy and Carma. They listened to my pain and anger as I sorted things out, and refrained from mouthing platitudes such as "Just trust God and everything will be fine." They befriended me, prayed for me, and cheered me on as I went through the grieving process.
Those who had suffered great loss themselves were the biggest help. For example, Amy could comfort me in a way I'd not been able to comfort her, because she understood my situation far better than my still-married friends. Her encouragement, private prayers, and shared experience helped me have hope for the future. When I doubted my own ability to survive the divorce, Amy's quiet determination to live a happy and godly life as a single woman gave me courage.
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