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Sometimes I feel like the wife of a tribesman who goes off to hunt for weeks at a time. Although my husband, Blair, doesn't drag home a buffalo or a bear, he's one of an increasing number of men and women who roam far and wide in order to bring home the bacon.
I assumed that we got married so we could see each other more often. I should have known better. Blair and I began with a long-distance courtship. We didn't live in the same city until we got married. We made our wedding plans by fax and telephone. Our marriage preparation class was done by correspondence course. And now that we're Mr. and Mrs. with a four-year-old daughter, his work with a large Christian organization continues to take him all over the world, sometimes for three or four weeks at a stretch. Of course, faxes and telephones, e-mail and voice mail help cut across time zones and schedule differences. But communication is more than keeping in touch. And distance does create barriers.
As a periodically abandoned wife, I find transitions the hardest. First there's the adjustment to being alone. Crawling into bed without that familiar lump beside me. Waking up without the smell of coffee or the sound of the shower running. Realizing I can't roll over with a groggy "Your turn" when our child cries in the middle of the night. Days that stretch out seamlessly with no evening or weekend relief from parenting responsibilities.
But gradually life takes on a slightly different rhythm. I read more. I enjoy impromptu outings with our daughter, Megan, without pressure to return home at a certain time. Best of all, I decide how to use those few precious moments of discretionary time. And then, just as I'm settling into life without a daily partner, he's back home, and I have to adjust to having him around again. We resume the thermostat negotiations. He has an opinion about what to have for dinner and what I'm wearing. My single-parent skills must be reabsorbed into a shared parenting approach. It's a roller-coaster lifestyle that can test even the strongest of partnerships. So how do I keep my balance on such a bumpy ride?
Stick to the Routine
I've learned not to deviate too far from our usual routine when Blair's away. I used to regress into a bohemian for the first few days after he left. I'd leave dirty dishes in the sink, eat cereal for dinner, stay up until 2 a.m. Megan and I would slip into the habit of eating meals in front of the TV. It was my way of dealing with the void I felt in Blair's absence. Though it felt good to "let down" for a while, it made resuming the routine harder when he returned. And that Jekyll-and-Hyde transition was no good for me. I panicked at the thought of him surprising me with an early return to find his home had turned into a pigsty. Now we have a real meal whether or not he's there. I keep things in reasonable order. I go to bed more or less at the usual time. Our daughter knows the house rules won't change just because Daddy isn't there. And I have a heart and home ready to welcome my husband back at a moment's notice.
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