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WE'VE ALL SEEN enough Norman Rockwell paintings to know what a family holiday dinner is supposed to look like. The ample table is set with gold-rimmed china and laden with a bountiful holiday feast. A rosy-faced grandmother rocks in her favorite chair, while sisters greet each other with tender hugs, men sit by the fire swapping stories, and children play harmoniously together on the floor.
Unfortunately, family reunions aren't always "peace on earth." As a member of a close but volatile family, I should know. Although my eldest sister no longer throws my clothes in the middle of the garage floor when she's angry (as she did when we were young) and my younger sister and I no longer have fist fights, there's still plenty of room for friction. Our family dinners often resemble a Picasso rather than a Norman Rockwell. You see, in our family, sometimes the Christmas ham burns, tempers flare, feelings become hurt, and voices are raised.
Because of this, I began searching for ways to make my family holiday events more peaceful. And I identified five techniques to help me deal with holiday family conflict—all found in the word peace.
Put yourself in the other person's shoes. I have two sisters close to me in age and a third who was born much later. We three older siblings are married with our own homes, while my youngest sister just finished high school.
During holiday dinners, my youngest sister used to be very sensitive, always complaining she was left out of the conversation. My first reaction was impatience. We have an animated family and often have four conversations going on at the table at once. If you want to join it, you have to fend for yourself. But after an in-depth conversation with her once, I caught a glimpse of how it must have felt to always be the youngest and never able to join in on the "big girl" activities.
"Administer true justice," Zechariah 7:9 instructs, "show mercy and compassion to one another." To administer true justice, a judge has to listen to both sides of the story. We need to do no less in our family relationships, especially when our personal involvement may cause us to see things askew.
Establish your limits. My family members live minutes from each other—with the exception of my husband and me, who live about three hours away. During the holidays, my family tends to have so many functions to attend that we easily could spend the entire season in the car.
When we were first married, my husband and I tried to attend everything. However, during one particularly hectic holiday, we turned to each other and asked, "Why are we doing this?" The hectic pace and travel only made us frustrated and resentful. We were not enjoying the time with our families, and somewhere among the highway miles, we'd lost the whole purpose of Christmas.
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