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One Reason People Won’t Join Your Church

Remember hurt can make commitment scary

The book of Hebrews urges us not to forsake assembling together with fellow Christians, but it does not say I have to be a member of your church (Hebrews 10:25). We have all heard the phrase "Church hurt is the worst hurt." I don't know if it's true for everyone, but it has been true for me. The world is a dark place, so many seek to find light in the body of Christ. People expect love from their church families, but when they are bruised, they feel a pain that cannot be described. It pierces the soul. For a victim of church hurt, the thought of church membership can be paralyzing. It can be overwhelming and suffocating. Thus, many have opted for fellowship beyond the walls of church buildings.

After several horrible experiences at church, I couldn't fathom stepping foot in a church building again. On Sunday mornings, my entire body would ache. I experienced feelings of guilt for not attending church, but my feelings of anxiety dominated those emotions. How can I give myself to a church again? How can I serve? How could I befriend new church members? Can I follow another church leader?

The first day I attempted to try another church service, I was hyper-vigilant and I wept during the entire service. Despite my apparent need to heal, people kept telling me that I needed to become a member of a church. They told me I needed "spiritual covering"; what they were really trying to tell me was that I needed to be a member of their church. I found that if I chose a different place to worship, I faced a launch of verbal and personal attacks. I was told that I was being disobedient; that I didn't want to be pastored; that the enemy was confusing me; that I would be punished by God for leaving the church; that no other pastor truly preached the Bible at their church; that no church is perfect; that I was being emotional or unstable; and the list goes on and on. The truth is—I didn't want to be a member of their church and I didn't have to be. A true godly person needs to understand that.

I would be lying if I told you that it was just one church I struggled with attending. Quite frankly, after seeing so much darkness in the church, the thought of attending anyone's church for an extended period of time frightened me. I am not alone; I believe many share my sentiments. I know many who are reading this article are yelling that no church is perfect, and that this is just an excuse, but I beg to differ.

Does Hebrews 10:25 Demand Church Membership?

First, we must ask ourselves whether Hebrews 10:25 demands church membership. I would argue no. I believe the writer of Hebrews was encouraging the believers to assemble together because many were failing to meet with other Christians for corporate worship and fellowship. For that reason, I recognize that being part of a church community is essential to the life of every believer. I believe worshipping, praying, and serving together are necessary for personal spiritual growth. Similarly, I believe having close fellowship with other believers provides accountability. Additionally, you are able to easily find mentors to disciple you and a pastor to shepherd you as you walk with Christ. I have to admit that church membership makes it easier to accomplish all of this, but is it the only way? I don't believe so.

Why Not Church Membership?

I have found many Christians fail to maintain church membership for several reasons. The first reason is because they or someone they know has been abused in the church. Many men, women, boys, and girls have been abused by people in church leadership. Many individuals have been abused emotionally, sexually, spiritually, and physically. The victims of abuse find it hard to trust anyone in church because many times the church failed to respond appropriately. They love God but want nothing to do with "church."

The next reason I have often heard from others is the hypocrites. While we often dismiss this reason and shout out clichés, maybe it's time we listen. I don't think mature Christians or seekers expect Christians to be perfect, but they do expect us to be different from those in the world. They expect our lives to look different. They require us—wait for it—to be like Jesus. Will we be perfect? Absolutely not. Nevertheless, we should be the light of the world and the salt of the earth.

How Do Treat Those Who Reject Our Fellowship?

Since we are the children of God, we should be "the pleasing aroma of Christ among those who are being saved and those who are perishing." 2 Corinthians 2:15 (NIV). I believe it is our call to go out and reach the lost. Evangelism is not asking people to visit and become members of our church. The objective should not be individuals pledging their allegiance to our church and the church walking away from them when they don't join. Can we love them and care for them, even if they never step foot in our church building? I believe we can.

Let us also display love to our brothers and sisters who decide to fellowship with another church or those who decide that church membership is not the best option for them right now. I truly understand how it feels when someone we love wants to leave the church. However, we should not crucify them, but let us "live a life filled with love, following the example of Christ. He loved us and offered himself as a sacrifice for us, a pleasing aroma to God" (Ephesians 5:2). I can't begin to express the pain I've felt from others when they made such painful comments to me when I decided to leave the church. Every hurtful phone call, text message, and "intervention" poured salt into my already bleeding wound; and the worse pain of all came from the people who excommunicated me once I left the church. It was painful to lose connections, but it was more bearable than the wounds from those who pierced me with their comments to others after I left. Was I not their sister in Christ anymore? Was I not still a member of the body of Christ?

Church Alternatives

In times of church hurt, I found a safe place in small groups. The first small group I attended was a women's cell group where women met weekly for food, fellowship, and a Bible lesson. I was apprehensive at first, but they made me feel loved and accepted. This cell group was one of many cell groups from a church. The blessing for me at the time: I didn't have to be a member of their church. In fact, their cell groups are open to everyone! They even had groups in jails, prisons, and homeless shelters. When I attended the group, there were no requirements. I didn't have to speak or do anything. I was allowed to sit, heal, and receive love.

This type of ministry is one of many ways people can fellowship with others without having to become members of a church. In this group I learned the Scriptures, worshipped God, served with my sisters, laughed, cried, and found healing. Many other Christians are also attending small groups, online communities, house churches, and Bible studies to connect with other believers regularly. They feel safe, can be held accountable, and worship God together.

Now I regularly attend church on Sunday morning. I am not a member, but I'm present every Sunday to meet with my brothers and sisters. This church has been a beacon of light in my community, and I have served with the church in missions for years, even while attending another church. It has been a safe place for me in midst of dark times. I also attend small group Bible studies, attend many events at different churches, and serve with different ministries. I will be relocating to Ghana, West Africa, soon to serve in leadership with a local ministry. I'm excited for the new opportunity to serve the people of Ghana. God has healed me from many painful experiences, and I vow to help others on their path to healing.

While I believe there are many positive attributes of church membership, I think we can find other ways to assemble with other believers.

Carmille Akande is a licensed minister, attorney, speaker, writer, and blogger based in Dayton, Ohio. She has a heart for outreach and discipleship ministries, and she blogs at carmilleakande.com.

August18, 2014 at 8:00 AM

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