Etiquette Isn't for Dummies: How Manners and Ministry Relate
Don't tell my husband: As soon as I saw that the new Emily Post's Etiquette (18th ed.) released in October, I thought, I know what I'm getting Rafi for Christmas!
If you know my husband, this will surprise you. Rafi doesn't exactly seem the fussy manner sort, the type who would enjoy this book. He's definitely not a stern Captain Von Trapp at the table, reminding our kids of their place, of their do's and don'ts. And because he's been married to a feminist long enough, he knows better than to pull off any mindless gallantry.
But still, Emily Post has a special place in our relationship. While we initially bonded (and probably fell in love) over our shared love of dogs, my own love for him deepened the day I saw a copy of Emily Post's 14th edition on his bookshelf. I particularly liked the red-tassel gradeschool bookmark that hung across the top of the huge volume.
"You've read that?" I asked.
"A good chunk of it."
His aunt had given it to him for Christmas when he was 14—just after he started prep school, and before launching into the world of dating and then college and then job and family, where, his aunt had rightly assumed, good manners were important.
My husband—not a huge reader—read the book over a "slow weekend," not because he was so interested in manners per se, but because he liked the order and logic of it all. He's a cut-and-dry kind of guy, and he liked knowing the right and wrong of how to act.
I paid attention to etiquette for similar reasons. My natural social bent is awkward. I am shy and introverted, and my mind tends to blank out when it comes time for making small talk. Walking into a room or sitting at a table full of people I don't know is the stuff my nightmares are made of.
So understanding the rules of etiquette became a safety net. Knowing which fork to use, where to put my coffee cup, along with some tips on creating nifty small talk takes the pressure off.
Indeed, Peggy Post, Emily's great-granddaughter in-law and director of the Emily Post Institute, recently told the Daily Beast, "Etiquette gives people the blueprints to deal with times of stress."
In the article, Jennie Yabroff writes that Post became popular during the Depression because "[a]n anxious nation wanted reassurance about how to sit at the table, even if it had no guarantee of where the food on it would come from."
It's that sense of certainty in uncertainty, order in chaos that I've long believed is one of the main reasons I count Edith Wharton's The Age of Innocence as one of my favorite books. With all that was wrong (and there was a lot!) with life in the Gilded Age, and as much as I probably would've struggled in any strata of society back then, the idea of such an ordered life appeals. I've always subscribed to the "free to be you and me" philosophy of the 1970s I grew up with, but on the days when this is hard (and freedom is always hard), I start yearning for a bit of Victorian rigidity.
Stay Sexy or Else? Well, Please Forgive These Mommy Hips
Desperate for Their MRS. Degrees
'The Office' Shows Even TV Romance Isn't Picture-Perfect
The Double Shock of Unexpected Pregnancy
RSS
Twitter
Facebook
Pinterest
Comments
Displaying 1–10 of 15 comments
See all comments
frin
This picture says that when you are tired you have to rest. Does not matter the position.
Tim Childs
Real manners really boils down to how we treat people; our family, our friends and strangers on the street and in supermarkets and so on. I have found that when I am well-mannered far more doors open to me than if I was ill-mannered! Part of Christian livng is to be good mannered; i.e. to treat people as we would like to be treated ourselves, what you Americans nicely and neatly call 'the Golden Rule'. It isn't about which way to pass the port, it is about a liveable reality on a daily and on-going basis. When a person lacks good manners, it often, perhaps not always, means that they have other issues as well. It's certainly true that we all feel exasperated at times, and no-ones emotions are always perfect, it is however how we behave at the worst of times that sets a precedent for how we live generally. Good manners cost nothing, and trying to be kind and good and graceful, even when sometimes we feel anything but, prepares us for a better life with Jesus. It is better to be good than bad after all.
REBECCA-CHRISTOPHER MILLER
This is wonderful and such a helpful reminder of the real reason for etiquette. It's not about me preserving a perfect image and impressing everybody (what is normally assumed, including in my mind!), but it is about making the other person feel comfortable and cared about! Awesome. Thanks for the reminder!
alma
it seems to be regarded as cute to be flip on these blog sites, but 'he knows better than to pull off any mindless gallantry'? the definition of gallantry is: Polite attention or respect given by men to women. what's so mindless about that? it seems that would require some extra thought beyond mere selfishness. and why does he 'know better,' because you would be hostile to such behavior? i am a mother trying to raise polite and kind teenage sons, and it's tough to know how to teach them to behave well when any polite gesture might be seen as an affront to a woman's feminist sensibilities. as for the interest in etiquette during the post war years, it provided a structure for behavior in a time of great social mobility. people could feel more confident coming to the city off the farm, so to speak, or off the factory floor and into the offices, if they had some clues on society's accepted mores.
Marlena
I thought my Shawn was the only one to read a book on etiquette. I don't know if it is the same one you're referencing, but he read whatever his parents had on there bookshelf while he was in junior high. This husband of mine is the one that other guys call "a beast" because of his strength. But he is one of the kindest and most courteous people I know. He is the one who taught me how to set a table properly. Love the angle Caryn.
Khaki Kuhn
I am often appalled at the manners of many people these days...this has nothing to do with which fork to use...common manners such as please, thank you, excuse me. Moving over to allow someone to pass or moving so someone can get around the shopping cart at the grocery store. We don't have to be mean-spirited to teach other the most common courtesies... and I agree that we should seek to make people feel comfortable in our presence...Have you ever been to a ball game when the roughest of language is used just seats away without any consideration of children or women? People just have to be taught... and a lot of them are not being taught at this time...I wish this were not so!
Linda Stoll
A great, thought-filled article! In the end it's all about loving each other well ... the greatest commandment. If I love you well, I will treat you with great respect and honor. I will show you favor and respond to you as if you were Jesus. And there will be holiness. Sincerity. Grace. I'm thinking that these attributes, which can only come from Christ, as the THREE KEYS TO LOVING INTERACTION IN THE CHURCH
KAREN SWALLOW PRIOR
Love this post (and The Age of Innocence, too)!
Tim
Caryn, this is excellent. I really appreciate how you connect our manners with our life in Christ. In addition to the verses you note, another that seems to relate is Romans 12:18 - "If it is possible, as far as it depends on you, live at peace with everyone." Sometimes it's the rules of conduct that help us keep that peace. Your mention of Rafi's Aunt also reminds me of my own teen years, when Aunt would have me take her out to dinner. Even though she paid for the meal, she made me handle the check so that I would know how to do it once I started dating. When the dating years arrived, I was quite glad for her lessons! Cheers, Tim
rachel @ even one sparrow
I'm interested in reading that book now. I picked it up once at Border's when I was in high school, and being in high school (and *knowing* everything I did was perfect in the eyes of everyone - you know, typical 17-year-old stuff), I promptly put it down. I've had many a conversation with college students/young adults where they proclaim that people should just get over themselves and accept them for who they are. Sometimes, they don't really care if they offend by what they say or do. But I do think it's important to love people by attempting NOT to offend -- in fact, by making the OTHER feel welcomed. My husband has shown me how to do this in regards to hospitality. I've always held the attitude, "Well, if they're staying in my house, they should just help themselves to whatever and treat it like their home," but now I see that I should go out of the way to make our guests feel super welcomed and cared for. Eventually, they may feel comfortable enough to treat our home like their own, but until that time, it's my loving responsibility to care for them. Thanks for the reminder and interesting post!
*