Grumble Hallelujah on the Kitchen Floor
As I lay on the kitchen floor—my body rocking with sobs, my mouth telling my husband, "I hate my life"—it never occurred to me to pick up the phone and call a friend. To tell someone that the life I was living, in which rug after rug kept getting pulled out from under me over the past few years—my parents divorced, my husband's business tanked, our debt rose, health issues loomed, and our marriage sagged under the weight of it all—was nothing as it was supposed to be.
In fact, I was mortified when my husband rounded the bend and saw me there. Crying and hurting is something I do best alone.
So I was surprised to find Amy Dickinson write this in her 2010 memoir of life as a single mom, The Mighty Queens of Freeville: "I wanted two things when I first learned that my marriage was ending. First, I wanted it not to end. And second, I wanted for others to share a complete and interior knowledge of my heartbreak, followed by demonstrable grief."
Is that true? I wondered. Are there people whose first inclination amid heartbreak is to tell others? In person?
Even though my heartbreak and disappointment were quite different than hers (my marriage, for example, was not ending) I couldn't imagine wanting to tell a soul.
And yet, Dickinson—a.k.a. "Ask Amy," the syndicated columnist who filled Ann Landers's wise shoes—laments that she could not share her grief. "While there might be tiny streets tucked away somewhere in London where this sort of behavior is both possible and tolerated," she writes, "they remain like Diagon Alley in the Harry Potter novels: attended by witches and warlocks and mysteriously hidden from view for the rest of us."
Though I've never lived in London, I believe my middle America neighborhood is much like this. Maybe it's because I grew up being taught to always respond, "Fine, thank you. And how are you?" when asked how I was. What I took from this well-meaning, good-mannered advice was, "No one wants to hear your problems, Caryn."
And a few more "witches" and "warlocks" moved in to block the streets where I could speak.
All through the years of being disappointed with life, I spoke very little of what was going on. I was ashamed. Scared. Confused. For being angry with God, angry with my family, and generally hating my life. I kept hearing the voice in the back of my head say no one cared about my problems. And then, another voice, that my problems were not real problems at all: Look around the globe, Caryn! People are suffering! Starving! Trafficked!
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Sally Lindberg
Thank you. I am ordering this book as soon as I am finished with this post. Since the day I was adopted, my life has been one tragedy after another. I had plenty of good times and am very blessed. But I am so tired of the kitchen floor. I wouldn't be able to fit all the things that have happened to me and my childhood family and my adult faimly in this space. I came to my Savior late in life(46) and without Him I would never have left the kitchen floor. I think Paul wrote "I can do all thing throught Christ that strengthens me.", which is true, but that doesn't mean it won't hurt.
Hugh Wetmore
May a man comment on HER.meneutics? This emphasis on realism in the Christian life, on authenticity, is as much needed among men as among women. As a song-writer, I'm distressed by the lack of Lament songs in the Contemporary Worship repertoire, and have written a few of this genre myself - trying to fill the gap. When I read a 'prophet' warn against lamenting with Wesley that I am "prone to wander" because this negative confession is unworthy of Christian song, then I appreciate anew the Psalms with their authentic realism that allows, even encourages us, to be transparent with God - and with one another. Men need to read and heed Caryn's superb article.
Robyn Widmer
My husband and I recently--temporarily, hopefully--separated due to his severe mental illness. I'm on my own, heartbroken, with two small children. This isn't how my life is supposed to be. I just got "Grumble Hallelujah" in the mail and I cannot WAIT to read it. Thank you for addressing this vitally important subject, Caryn, so we can all learn how to praise God in the darkest of circumstances.
Mommynator
A little over two years ago, we walked into a new church, and spent the first few services in tears. We walked into a church that told us that they weren't perfect, that everyone was broken, but that we would link arms and walk through it all together under God, and love each other through it. Over two years later, and it's been that way and I thank God every day for a church like that. It's not a happily ever after kind of thing, but through our troubles, we have had real brothers and real sisters truly loving us and helping us when they could, and us loving them back - both in intangible and in the most practical ways possible. This is what church needs to be.
Tim
"But mostly, I feared the voice that told me I shouldnt complain. That if I really loved Jesus, Id trust and obey. And shut up. And choose joy. And praise him." Well said, Caryn. I tend to come up with the same arguments against myself. It's funny, though, that when others are experiencing problems I do not hesitate to say there's no reason to compare themselves to starving children overseas and that it is ok to experience these feelings of pain and anguish. It must be a case of physician-heal-thyself. Or rather it's a case of turning to the great Physician himself and allowing God to do the healing. Cheers, Tim
TONI GMUER
This article is so true. Ladies start a life group. You could base it on Stormie Omarion's book The Praying Woman or any woman centerd book no more than 10 women, have everyone make just a 10 week comittment to come do there homework and whatever is said at the meeting is sacred never to be shared that takes the pressure off. We are doing this and oh my gosh God shows up and we hate to see it end each week.
even one sparrow
Oh, what would I do without the vulnerability and honesty of the Psalms? The Psalms is my go-to place when I feel wretched. I am so thankful that God has given us the truthfulness of the Psalms; it's comforting to see how real David is when he is talking to the Lord. I, too, have struggled deeply with ingratitude, knowing I should be grateful and fighting back feelings of guilt because my life isn't that bad in comparison to real injustice. The only way I have found to combat it is 1) be honest with God (just like David), and 2) ask God for help. He is gracious and merciful and often answers such prayers as, "God, help me be more grateful."
Shari Dragovich
Great post, Caryn! I've struggled with this issue time and again; especially when we came home with our two adopted kiddos and my world turned upside-down and inside-out on me. For me, there's also a fear of, "Will I ever get over it? What if this grumbling takes a long time? Who will stay the course with me?" Or even worse, when it IS taking a long time, the struggles are long with no end in sight. Everyone must be sick of hearing about it, want me to get over it and move on already! And maybe, sometimes I do--but sometimes life's just very, very hard for a long time. Isn't that what we're supposed to be for one another? Long suffering? Thanks for your transparency, Caryn!
Jenny Rae Armstrong
"I kept hearing the voice in the back of my head say no one cared about my problems. And then, another voice, that my problems were not real problems at all: Look around the globe, Caryn! People are suffering! Starving! Trafficked!" Ooh, that second voice gets me all the time! Who am I to get down-in-the-dumps about my problems, when so many people are suffering so horribly, and I have been so blessed? Or maybe I'm still scarred from my parents suggesting I sing "Nobody loves me, everybody hates me, going to the garden to eat worms" when I'd start complaining. :-) Ah, the power of hyperbole! I agree--lamenting is an important part of the Christian life. I think we avoid it because weakness and vulnerability makes us uncomfortable, and it's difficult to see it in ourselves or others. This always makes me think of Isaiah 53:3--"He was despised and rejected by mankind, a man of suffering, and familiar with pain. Like one from whom people hide their faces, he was despised, and we held him in low esteem." Like one from whom people hide their faces. This is NOT a new problem!
JANE HINRICHS
Love the honesty! Love this post. We will be overwhelmed at times. This is when we need to vent a bit and get perspective from a Christian sister who will listen and then pray with us. Often things don't need to change for it to get better. We just need peace and the load shared a bit. And we need to realize we aren't alone; our situations aren't wacko and so out of the ordinary; that what we are feeling is authentically human and doesn't invalidate our Christian experience -- that indeed is a real part of a Believer's life that can be used to bring us closer to God.
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