Taking a Break from Your Spouse
If the mathematics of marriage is two becoming one, how do you factor in couples that have decided that some temporary division improves the odds of their relationship's longevity?
A recent Slate piece highlighted one of the findings from Iris Krasnow's recent book, The Secret Lives of Women: Women Share What It Really Take to Stay Married: Strategic absences can make spouse's hearts grow fonder.
Krasnow discovered that spending the month of July apart from her husband of 23 years so each could pursue their own interests strengthened their relationship. This was not a Hall Pass-style break, but rather an intentional choice by both partners to devote time and resources to personal growth. Krasnow currently uses her July marriage sabbatical for writing time on one coast, while her husband focuses on building his furniture business on the other. Krasnow notes that when August rolls around, the two are "hot to see each other, high on our personal accomplishments, and purged of the inevitable resentments that arise in the grind of the ordinary that long marriage becomes."
Krasnow interviewed more than 200 women who'd been married 15 years or more. Wives who were married to spouses who were gone for extended periods of time, such as fisherman and truckers, reported that the separations honed their communication skills, matured their sense of self, and encouraged them to develop their own toolkit of practical skills. A broken toilet in a busy household can't wait for a husband away on a business trip.
The one marital separation that does not offer these benefits is when a spouse is on active duty in a war zone. Krasnow reports that the damage from the stress of the situation erodes any individual growth gains that may occur during the separation.
The idea of time away from a spouse may sound counterintuitive to those who vow to love, honor, and cherish until death parts them. Church and culture alike portray the marriage ideal is two becoming one and living together happily ever after - emphasis on together. Popular Christian marriage manuals like The Love Dare and Love and Respect underscore the idea that growing a marriage that goes the distance means actively fighting the temptation to drift apart over time. Togetherness is typically prescribed as the de facto solution to this drift.
Krasnow challenges this notion. She found that "the happiest wives have a sense of purpose and passion in work and causes outside of the home. Wives who counted on a spouse for fulfillment and sustenance were often angry and lonely." Though time apart can be beneficial to both parties in a marriage, the studies quoted by Slate underscored the reality that time away may be more beneficial for women than for men. One possible reason for this may be because some women may be tempted to submerge some or all of their God-given identity for the sake of the relationship.
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Katrina
ACTUALLY if you read the passage quoted in this article, 1 Corinthians 7:1-7, and read it in context, Paul actually is warning that times of separation, specifically sexual, should only be done in great caution, for the sole purpose of prayer and fasting, should be brief so they cannot be tempted by the devil, and that to separate themselves otherwise is setting a marriage up for failure. This article is a great disappointment full of pscyho mumbo jumbo and is not Biblical at all. I posted this on my facebook page as a caution to believers to not heed "Christian" advice, but only "Biblical" advice. Christianity Today should be ashamed at this article.
PAUL R COOK
We have been married for 63 years. We know what it is meant by "they two shall be one flesh." That we began to know shortly after we were married and the knowledge has increased through the years. There are several kinds of seperation: physical or distance, and spiritual or emotional-attitude. It is possible to be in the same room and far apart in attitude, or miles apart and joined togsether in spirit and attitude of love. Paul spoke of a temporary seperation from the most intimate of marital relationship in order to involve outselves in a applications strenghtening our relationship with God and obedience to him. There are few of us who do not spend time severated by distance from our spouse. We go to work each day. Sometimes for days or longer. We seek education and personal growth. We seek entertainment. In its own way each of these can enhance the strength of the union by enabling one or both of us to have more to offer each other and God. When we were seperated for mission, or training, or job, when that need for seperation had a break the desire to ge together always was grater than the desire to persue another interest. What can being one, and this oneness includes God, and is a likeness of the godhead, endure? The greatest I have seen is my neighbor here at our retirement community. When I met them his wife had not spoken in three and one-half years. Daily he saw that she was nicely dressed, befitting the model that she had been, and walked her around our campus. Introduced her to me as a real person. For several more years, as her Alzhimers progressed he gave her the personal attention and care that continued their relationship. Were they together or seperated? In love they were still one. Seperation is when I want to fevelop myself for myself, not for we who are one or for God.th
Tim
"I can watch whatever I want and buy 2 dozen Spunky Dunkers donuts without comment." Nancy, that put an immediate smile on my face. Cheers, Tim
Marie
While this was an interesting article, I took slight offense at the following: "The one marital separation that does not offer these benefits is when a spouse is on active duty in a war zone. Krasnow reports that the damage from the stress of the situation erodes any individual growth gains that may occur during the separation." I can argue against this since I'm married to an active-duty Marine (We've been married for 6 years.); while it is stressful that the separation is anywhere from 6 months to a year, that separation allows for spiritual growth while the spouse is away. It also allows for the spouse at home to hold down the fort and learn how to do things (As in my case, learn how to fix an air conditioner in the middle of a hot NC summer.), as well as lean on more mature Christians to get through the deployment. That and the "honeymoon period" after the deployed spouse's return is wonderful. :)
Red Well
Saw the article on Slate and am surprised to find it highly recommended here. As the (decidedly non-Christian) commenters pointed out on Slate, Krasnow's findings are not scientific, seem to ingore the temptations of infidelity, and focus on a privileged subset of couples. I agree with van Loon and Paul here that time apart can be healthy and good under the right circumstances, but I recommend seeking out more rigorous studies than this one in order to happily confirm our preexisting Biblical insights.
Anne S
So long as the "time alone" is not used as a means of avoidance, I do think it's a beneficial thing. And, it's also probably predicated on a person's personality. (Though I do agree, a month seems like a LONG time to elect to be away from a spouse.) The Lord took intentional solitary time to Himself, in order to connect with the Father. Should we not follow His example?
lexi
I affirm this article. Thanks for reminding us of the wisdom of paul. I agree with most all you are saying. Thanks for stretching people, as it seems you have done. Even if we do not want to be apart and do great together most all the time, the chance for cultivating our separate giftings is valuable. Even if God uses us together in ministry or service, our gifts are unique. Again, good and needed stuff that it would be good to see people more open to.
Doreen Ashley
My husband and I have been married 26 years and have 4 kids of college age. We have never been apart for more than a few days for business trips, hospital stays, etc. Even if we sometimes get on each other's nerves (as all couples do at times!) we still miss each other when we're apart... We have always found that an afternoon or evening left to pursue our own interests was enough to "refresh" ourselves. I can even see separating for a few days for a fishing trip with the guys or a women's conference or something like that, but really, intentionally separating (when there are other options) for a month or more seems excessive and yes I agree, an open door for temptation. In our case I am sure neither my husband or I would feel 'closer' to the other or 'personally renewed' after such an extended absence. Perhaps another suggestion for renewal would be to try and find things you both enjoy and spend some time doing those things together? Or just supporting the other person's interests? My husband is gifted in music and is the praise band leader at church; although I have no talent in that area (whatsoever!) I do actively support him in this by providing feedback & allowing him the time for meetings, prep, rehearsal, etc. That is what energizes him. I am involved in children's ministry, and though not his gift or interest, he in turn supports me by helping me build VBS sets, driving parade floats, etc. In that way we can still be somewhat involved in each other's interests/lives outside of our marriage. It works for us! :)
hope2faith
My hsband and I have been married for 19 years. He moved from Bermuda to be with me in the California. He is quiet and prefers to stay home. I am outgoing and constantly "out going" to church activities, as I am the Pastor. We attend worship together weekly,but he is not keen on the other activities. I don't know what that means. I do know that I want him to be with me at the other functions, but he won't attend, and he won't discuss it. I am still praying for God's direction.
Tim
Rachel (aka even one sparrow), we find our relationship following the same pattern and desires after 24 years of marriage, and come to the same conclusions you have. Cheers, Tim
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