We're Just Friends. No, Really
I was sitting at my friend Andrew's dining table in the mid afternoon. I had stopped by to pick up a book I needed for a writing project and decided to stay and work with him a while. It was quiet and peaceful and he was bent intently over his work. I slipped slowly into the silence and wiggled my way into its corners. After a short spell I looked up at him from across our computer screens and said, "Tell me there's nothing wrong with me." I cupped one side of my face in my hand, smudging vulnerability like a shoddy makeup job.
"What do you mean?" he asked cautiously but tenderly.
"I mean, with Sam, not wanting … Tell me … "
He interrupted softly, " … that you're not inadequate?"
I nodded and looked down at the keyboard where I knew the slow but open tears would soon land.
He spoke slowly. "I think you are beautiful. And I think you love people fiercely. That is an amazing gift." I was both surprised and grateful that he hadn't repeated his usual praise about my intellectual and creative gifts. Somehow he heard me speaking from that shier crevice of my heart, the one easily layered with "shoulds" and "ought tos," the one whose fragile fractures are habitually hidden.
"I. Think. You. Are. Beautiful," he repeated.
I nodded rapidly, still looking away as the tears came. "I know, I know," I whispered. "I know." I could feel his caramel colored eyes trying to stare these truths into my heart. I could feel how quickly I wanted to bypass his words because some part of me still struggled to hear it.
We sat quietly across the table from one another. I wept freely into the small cradle of comfort his words had carved for me. I knew he believed what he had told me and somehow I felt that seeping back into me as I cried. I felt alone and held all at once. Without moving from his side of the table, without touching me, without breaching the space of sorrow that could only rightfully be mine at that moment, I felt held and re-membered by his friendship in a matter of moments.
Andrew and I have been good friends for the past year. I am still growing into this sliver of space our friendship provides. We met when we were both single and immediately hit it off. We enjoy one another's company intellectually and socially, and we both find the other physically attractive. Yet there was no assumption that our new and enriching acquaintance would lead to a romantic relationship. We simply spent several months getting to know one another through conversation and sharing activities together and with groups of mutual friends. Yes, we have since had some conversations around boundaries and expectations. We have had to, because neither of us has been well formed by our culture or Christian traditions to imagine healthy platonic relationship between two single people as good enough.
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Doreen Ashley
Some of my very best friends are women! Seriously, I have found in the last ten years that IT IS possible to have very good platonic friendships with people of the opposite sex! It's not all about sex, y'know! Give me a good friendship with a woman over a bad relationship any day of the week. We need to nurture friendships, whether they are same-sex or different-sex friendships, and I believe that as Christians it is part of our duty, part of our walk, that we engage with people of all kinds and treat them all as kindly as we would like to be treated; through this, although not everyone may become friends, we will certainly find that some people respond to this. Jesus had good mates of both sexes; it's no different for us. A good friend in life is worth their weight in gold after all.
Nicki Elson
Hey! I heard about this article on the radio station that wakes me up in the morning. (I honestly have no idea what station it is---just one I landed on when setting the alarm.) The article itself and the responses have been very good w/ coffee. :) After absorbing everything, my stance is that guy-girl platonic friendships are absolutely possible (and wonderful) BUT that doesn't mean every person is equipped to handle them. The wisdom of engaging in such relationships must be taken on a case by case basis. I've been married for 20 years, and over the last 2 1/2 years have developed a close friendship with a single man. The relationship has enriched my life in many ways, including strengthening my understanding of and daily interaction with Christ. The extent of my husband's support in that area has been letting himself be dragged to church once a week. I'm the spiritual leader in this house (scary, but true) and I know the Lord sent me this wonderful, faith-filled friend to support me in that endeavor - I sure hate to think I'd have to icksnay the friendship just because he happens to be a straight man.
Jennifer
Tammy, If Andrew and Kate got in a fight (married or not), dont you think its possible that Enuma could be there as a friend to Andrew to process what was going on and help him work things out with Kate?
ailic
i lost a boyfriend to 'just friends' its only natural for two people of differnt sexes to get involved in this way one falls for the other at a certain time and plants the idea and if its the opportune time....
Tammy M
I know God is the great 'I got you', but still, don't push it. Jesus was fully God and fully man, He could trust Himself not to fall for Mary, but we constantly wage war with our flesh and the enemy of our souls is real. I'm just sayin'. Love, be a friend, but be very cautious that you don't create a situation that will make it easy for you to fall. Believe me, Kate wouldn't want the 'comfort' of knowing that Enuma will be there for Andrew when she(Kate) and Andrew are not on good terms...especially in a marriage relationship. It's easy to encourage the platonic friendship now. Marriage is a different ball game. My 2c.
Marie
This was a great post! One of my best friends is a man. Erich and I have known each other since we were 12, and our relationship have deepened over the years. There was never any romantic interest. We're like brother and sister; we can have open and honest conversations while maintaining proper boundaries. I'm married. He's married with two kids. Neither of our spouses has an issue with our interacting. I think the problems spouses have with their mates engaging in male/female friendships have much more to do with jealousy and insecurity than the inappropriateness of the relationship.
Dan Brennan
Wow! This has been quite amazing. Andrew, your comment embodies a gospel-centered, Christ-centered, boundary-shifting view of friendship and intimacy. I definitely believe more and more followers of Christ are becoming aware of bigger categories for relating to the opposite sex than sex/romance or calculated distance.
Patricia
This is a very thought-provoking topic! I do think it's possible for men and women to have platonic relationships with the opposite gender: I am proof of that. Most of my male friends are married, or in committed relationships. Our friendships are based on mutual interests: both general history, and specific historical periods. Some of the wives are interested in these topics, but some are not. And they have no problems with me being friends with their spouses. I should also say that I don't see most of these male friends in person. However, I did meet with several of them in person last November, during a holiday in the UK and Europe. I even shared meals with them together, and we were able to chat freely about a lot of topics. And in one instance, I stayed several days with one friend and his wife, and we had a marvelous time together. I must also say that none of these male friends were ever attracted to me sexually. Romantic feelings never enter into the picture. Much of it must be due to the fact I am not physically attractive to them. But I can live with that. I knew a long time ago that I wouldn't be a 'magnet of attraction' to men. I'd rather share mutual interests with a man. That way, it won't bring about issues of the heart. That's my two cents, for whatever it's worth. Thanks for the great comments about the topic: the church needs to see that opposite-gender friendships CAN be done.
KR Wordgazer
Andrew, thank you for reminding us that we are not under law but under grace, and that when we are led by the Spirit of God, we do not fulfill the lusts of the flesh. Anyone who is your friend must be very blessed.
Pam Hogeweide
Great post and great conversation ...especially appreciated Kate's voice in here and also Mildred's....and author Dan Brennan who has a book out on this exact topic. Maybe that got mentioned and I missed it, but in case it didn't, let me plug it for him : Sacred Unions, Sacred Passions: Engaging the Mystery of Friendship between Men and Women....Dan writes with great insight and wisdom about this topic and addresses the concerns voiced here. I have those concerns, too, but I am so appreciative for my brothers and sisters who are helping to show us the way to non-romanticized, non-sexualized cross-gender relationships.
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