A New Image of Friendship for the 30-Something Set
It was pouring rain, and my hands were full as I stumbled into the room. The last thing on my mind was meeting and greeting the other writers at the wine-tasting reception. I plopped into the first free chair, muttering unpleasant things under my breath, when she looked up and smiled. I half-smiled back and looked away. I was leaving the city in less than five days and didn't have the energy or time to make a new friend.
The next afternoon, we ended up in the same small group, waiting outside the classroom for the teacher to arrive.
"Have you been to this workshop?" she asked. She was slight of frame and freckle-faced, and had the air of being both warm and cautious.
In better spirits today, I entered the conversation. "No, I actually had never heard of it till a few weeks before I arrived in Paris, but decided since I'd be here I might as well check it out."
"I heard about it from my writer's group in Geneva. It's supposed to be wonderful."
"Is that where you live?" I asked.
"No, I'm actually from Australia, but I've been doing research in Europe all summer."
"Oh, on what?"
"It might sound odd, but I'm fascinated with this Catholic saint named Therese of Lisieux. I'm writing my doctoral thesis on her."
It was the last thing I expected her to say as we stood amid poets, novelists, and memoir writers who had all come to Paris to attend the renowned workshop.
"Hi, I'm Ruby."
Ruby and I soon discovered our mutual interests in the art of spiritual direction, and our experiences within the Catholic Church. Then the teacher showed up and we vowed to try and continue our discussion before the week ended. We didn't see one another again till the last day. On impulse, we decided to skip that afternoon session for a long uninterrupted lunch together.
Ruby and I had so much in common, it was eerie. We could have talked for hours as though we were old college girlfriends. There was no question we would exchange information and really hoped to remain in touch. But we also simply had not had enough time together to pretend that a long-distance friendship would follow suit. And yet, it was an enriching couple of hours in which we both felt met by God in one another's presence. In sharing the gifts and the challenges of our current life stages, we both felt seen anew and reaffirmed in our unique strengths and passions.
Two weeks after my encounter with Ruby, I read an article in The New York Times about the challenge of making friends after age 30. The writer, Alex Williams, makes several valid points about the difficulty various life seasons can bring to how we cultivate new friendships and maintain old ones. But though I could relate to a number of his points, I didn't agree with his rather depressing conclusion, that "No matter how many friends you make … the period for making BFFs, the way you did in your teens or early 20s, is pretty much over. It's time to resign yourself to situational friends: K.O.F.'s (kind of friends)—for now."
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Kellye Allan
I heard about it from my writers group in Geneva. Its supposed to be wonderful.
Kathi Vande Guchte
Just curious how many married women reading this article are still friends with the single women in your lives? In our teens and 20's everyone's single, but what about those of you who are 30's, 40's, and beyond - are you still friends with those women who have not married?
Doreen Ashley
you can give. Part of faithful friendship is knowing when to allow for space, and making peace with the varied roles that different relationships can and should play in our lives.
Nicki
I am glad I came across this article, because I am in my 30s and I still have friends from middle school and we still speak to eachother and there are months where we don't see eachother or don't communicate with each other and when we do meet, its like we've never missed a beat. I've had friendships that have lasted more than 10 years and I am still meeting new people and yes God puts these people along my journey to help me with my struggles, to be accountable with my faith and to just be there. All of my friends have witnessed my ups and downs in my life and I am grateful for their love and support and advice. I am looking forward to meeting more along the way and I pray they will be with me when we enter eternity.
Laverna Swisher
I have just this one. And in this lifetime, I have learned that long-term friendships do require time and effort and commitment.
Lyn Bennett
Thanks for sharing your thoughts with us about friendships, and what it takes to make and sustain them. I tried an experiment with three acquaintances at the beginning of this year. The four of us, at my invitation, agreed to meet once a week at a local coffee shop and begin to list, write and share our memories with each other. In sharing our memories we had written during each meeting, we discovered so much about each other at a much deeper level. As we read our stories each week, I could tell the four of us were forming a bond of friendship and trust that we did not have before. The thing is, we've known each other for years, but only as acquaintances. There were few opportunities in our schedules to truly develop a deeper friendship until we decided we needed to get our memories out of our heads and onto paper. We realized we have incredible life stories to share. Over the past several months, sharing our memories has brought us together in a bond of friendship that has been such a blessing to each of us. At the end of this month, we are planning a memory writing workshop to share with other women as a way to build and sustain friendships. With God's blessing, we'll see what happens.
Janey
I agree with Meredith: it all depends on life stage and time available. I made much better friends after my divorce (in my 30's) than I ever had as a teenager. Sharing blouses in college is very different from supporting one another through life's ups and downs in middle age.
Yohanna Puric
Thanks, Enuma, for great insights into friendships. It's indeed true that in order for friendships to endure, they have to be nurtured by both parties and that some friendships are really just for a season. My life has been richer for having experienced both kinds. But I'm glad that though surrounded by many friends, there's still that need in me for a deeper friendship - a friendship that never fails and always 'soulfully' satisfying - the friendship that only the Lord can provide. And I hope it continues to be so.
Elisabeth Dyvig
One more thought - I also think whether a person has one or many "best friends" has a lot to do with life stage and time available. The busier life is, the greater blessing just keeping up with one best friend can be - since there is a certain level of commitment in a close friendship not required in more casual friendships.
Elisabeth Dyvig
I don't necessarily agree regarding a "BFF"; I think how whether a person has one "best friend" or several deep friends really depends more on the person than anything else. I do have one woman who is my closest friend, and I like that - and it's not a burden to me to be her friend or her to be mine. But we're both healthy women with a whole set of other relationships (romantic and other female friends) - I'm simply the sort who doesn't need a whole lot of people to really know me. There's nothing wrong with being 30+ and having a best friend; there's also nothing wrong with having several close friends instead of one. It's really a matter of personality. But that aside, great article - especially in recognizing that some relationships are seasonal.
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