What Not to Say to a Pregnant Woman
A woman's body pays a heavy price to carry and deliver a baby. That's what my doctors say and what I've twice experienced. During the first half of each of my pregnancies, I was so nauseated I could barely function, even with anti-nausea medication during the second pregnancy—nearly bedridden. For the second half of each, a bevy of other issues sprung up, including retention of so much water I could hardly walk. My legs looked like logs. They felt like logs, too. Indeed, if I lived in another time or in another place where I didn't have access to health care, neither me nor my babies might have made it.
But my physical discomfort was matched by social discomfort—and not of my own doing. During the first pregnancy, Shawn and I were youth leaders at our church. When we announced our pregnancy to the kids, I was all red-faced with embarrassment, my protruding belly evidence of our sexual intimacy. My awkwardness? Foolish, I know.
However, during both my pregnancies and post-partum, I've had plenty of legitimate reasons for embarrassment. Apparently, since a personal thing like marital intimacy was now made public, many people felt licensed to let the comments fly. I could cite a litany of inappropriate remarks and behaviors. Here's my short list:
1 … So, who's the father? Christian men I know posed this question. I realize it was in jest, but really? The question rankles me because anyone who knows me understands how sacred and joy-filled my relationship with Shawn is. The mere suggestion of adultery is odious. Joking about it is beyond the pale.
2 … Boy, you're getting fat! Said by a few different Christian men. I know these guys weren't being malicious—they were joking, grasping for a way to strike up conversation about the obvious.
I let this particular comment slide. But given that women can be especially sensitive about their bodies during the pregnancy and post-partum seasons, I advise against making any comments about weight. (In fact, shouldn't we always think twice before commenting on anyone's weight?) If I had low self-esteem or was overly self-conscious, I'd be crushed. For the image-obsessed media and women who take their cue from them, weight gain during pregnancy is now considered a faux pas. Expectant mothers are now expected to be "skinny pregnant." I know women who've undernourished themselves during pregnancy; they put themselves and their babies at risk because they feared weight gain. Let's not make their situation worse by joking about the extra 30 pounds they are carrying around.
The Seminary Gender Gap
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Santana Griffis
When we announced our pregnancy to the kids, I was all red-faced with embarrassment, my protruding belly evidence of our sexual intimacy. My awkwardness? Foolish, I know.
sherry k
The only truly safe thing to say is "Would you like to sit down and can I get you a cookie?"
bill
The author is in the right here...there's no excuse for the comments these people made to her, or to any mom. Sexualizing someone under the guise of interest in her pregnancy is an unkindness, and guys, we're better than that. Her blanket "taking us to task" is helpful if it stops one of us from being unkind to someone we should be calling sister. One of the funniest moments of my life was when my softspoken mother asked a not pregnant lady when she was due. "I'm not pregnant, I'm just fat!" was her response, and a lifelong lesson learned for me. Another instance was when I worked for an airline and I was recovering from surgery due to a torn ACL. The woman I worked with was several months along and it was just the two of us boarding flights all day. One passenger rubbed her belly as if she were a Buddha statue and it would give them luck. Another pointed at me as I stood on crutches and said "Is what happened to you related to what happened to her?" Sure, pregnant women are blessed with the miracle of life and the ones we most likely will encounter are arguably in one of the best places in the world to bear and raise their children, but because "it could be worse" doesn't mean that they don't merit kindness from one another because we are to be known by our LOVE. Right?
Kathi Vande Guchte
Making a person is an incredible, bizar, miraculous thing when really pondered. I look at the bellies of pregnant women and just think with amazement, "there's a person in there!" When I meet that little person, they are completely individual and separate from their mother, who is now just herself once again. I have heard in Christian circles that being a wife and mother are the most exalted positions for women. Woman was made for man because it isn't good for him to be alone - that is in the Bible in OT and NT, so why wouldn't an unmarried woman want and pray for that if that is part of God's design. Children are a gift from God, so why wouldn't a woman grieve when that gift is absent from her life, either due to fertility issues or opportunity? As Christians, we need to learn to sit in shiva with hurting people. We need to talk less, listen more, just be quiet. It is not our place to fix things, and being uncomfortable with the vulnerability of someone else's pain is not going to hurt us, and being quiet or saying, "I'm sorry" is not going to hurt that person. Jesus, when confronted by Mary and Martha after Lazarus' death cried when he saw them in pain, and they were asking/ demanding, "why did you let this happen?" Pain is messy and uncomfortable, whether birthing a baby or because of hope deferred. If anyone should be the go-to people for hurting people, it should be believers, but sadly, we're the last group known as being affiliated with the Wonderful Comforter.
Rahab
Ah, Shannon, I'm happy for you that you're experiencing such joy in child-bearing. I wonder, though, if you read the few posts just before yours. And I wonder if you have a sense that posts in cyber-space are actually the words of actual people who are standing right in front of you, breathing their words into your face. It can be hard to visualize that, but it is the case. Mothers and potential mothers as "the best example of Christ on earth?" Tell me where the Scripture is that supports that view. The best examples of Christ on earth are those who love Him most, and love others as they love themselves. The best examples of Christ on earth are very often (like Christ Himself) neither married nor mothers. I certainly hope the book you cited doesn't really say (or even suggest) such an insensitive and careless thing. "What more beautiful thing could we hope for?" I can tell you that, for sure. We can hope that the people of God will hear the pain as well as the joy that others express, whether in their churches or online--really hear them. That they will be quick to listen, slow to speak. That when they do speak, it will be for the building up of the Body of Christ, and that the Scripture will be fulfilled that says by our love others will know us as Christ's own. What more beautiful thing could we hope for than that?
Shannon Huffman Polson
Having just started the second trimester of my second pregnancy, my advice to anyone who wants something to say to a pregnant woman is: you look beautiful! Because isn't she? A life creating and carrying another life must be the most beautiful thing we have a chance to witness on this side of the divide. If you want to ask her something try: How are you feeing? I am just reading a wonderful book called "Creating With God" I'd highly recommend to anyone who has ever been or ever will be pregnant, or around women who are pregnant. It helps put the bloat and the pains in perspective of mothers and potential mothers as the best example of Christ on earth. What more beautiful thing could we hope for?
Rahab
Kate, ouch! You bring up such a painful point--so many ways in which we are prone to blurt words of "wisdom" or "comfort" without even hearing what's being said. I'm really sorry for the loneliness that kind of response created for you at such a vulnerable time in your life. And I so agree with you that, while the subject of inappropriate responses is an important one, it's strange that the focus of this article should be on pregnancy, which alone among such awkward situations at least has a blessed outcome. Besides the singleness you speak of, how about the responses when cancer or other medical disasters enter someone's life? "Oh, you'll be fine!" to the woman with stage IV ovarian cancer. "My aunt died of that," to the woman with lung cancer. "Hey! At least you'll get a new boob job!" to the woman facing mastectomy. It seems ridiculously trivial to make a list of what not to say or do in one of the happiest circumstances of a Christian woman's life, when the underlying issue here is how to listen--how to rejoice with those who rejoice and weep with those who weep.
Kathi Vande Guchte
Just wondering what the married women posting here say to single people, especially the older single women in your church? Do you even talk with them, and when you do, is the first question, "So are you married?" As a single, I've had people pose shocking and insulting questions/comments to me - usually they're the married with children set. During the particularly difficult years (my 30's) when my clock was ticking loudly and a few more friends had married and we were no longer close, I was vulnerable with others a couple times about my desire for marriage and children. Instead of praying for God to grant this desire of my heart I got, "Well, maybe it's not God's will for you to be married. Plus, singleness is a gift. And you know, God isn't going to give you a husband until you're completely content in your singleness." Wow! Really, you felt the need to say all of that to someone baring their heart to you? Lovely! Practice what you preach.
Kathi Vande Guchte
Oh good grief. Shall we all compare lists about the stupid things people have said and done to us? Everyone has a list. At least you're having a baby. A woman who is unable to conceive would give her right arm to have someone touch her stomach in wonder because she's making a person. A single woman going through menopause who no longer has the opportunity to bear children would give anything to be in your shoes. People are going to be moronic and say things inappropriate, but there's not need to write an entire article and lament the offenses.
Phil Jefferson
I suppose I couldve used a twist-tie around my ring finger. Instead, I bought two rings from Charming Charlies.
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