Marriage, War, and Lent: Practicing Love During Separation
Among other heart-shaped headlines last week, the world's most famous newlyweds spent their first married Valentine's Day separated by an ocean, courtesy of a military deployment.
This was week two of what's expected to be six weeks solo for Kate Middleton, whose helicopter-pilot husband, Prince William, is training in South America with the Royal Air Force. How does a duke tackle February 14 when he's nearly 8,000 miles away from his duchess? According to Kate, William had taken enough time out of his search-and-rescue flight schedule to mail a card across the pond and arrange a flower delivery. They're the sort of gestures that have become almost expected on such a day, and to some they might even seem less than noteworthy.
Those of us who've been through a military deployment or two, however, are hesitant to minimize the significance of one note, one phone call, one bouquet, one brief moment of attentiveness.
If unwanted separations prove anything, it's that effort is vital to relationship. As a military wife, I see this every day in my time away from my husband—and if I'm honest with myself, I know the principle applies critically in my relationship with God as well.
Here's what I mean: The convenience of sharing a home with one's spouse makes many relationship-efforts seem effortless. You bump into each other whether you're trying to or not. Dinner happens at the same table, sleep happens on the same mattress, laundry gets tumbled in the same load. You glimpse expressions on each other's face and sense whether it has been a smooth day, a harried one, or something in between. Through simple interactions like these, trust is fostered, familiarity is developed, and understanding is built—yet many of us miss the significance of these moments. We miss it because we rarely have to miss the moments.
In most military marriages, this is not the case. For instance, my husband Nathan's most recent Marine Corps training exercise lasted four weeks. In that time, he and I were able to speak once, for 15 minutes, which was how long his cell phone signal lasted before abruptly cutting out. The training exercise before that was two weeks long; we could intermittently e-mail that time, but we didn't speak at all. This is the necessary culture of infantry and infantry training: for the safety of others and himself, he must be alert to the mission at all times, he always has more work on his plate than time to do it, the work is potentially life-and-death, and it happens in remote areas far from cell towers.
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Tim
Lisa, perceived separation is such a great way to put it! It brings to mind Isaiah 59:1-2 where the prophet assures God's people that God is always close at hand and listening, and if people under the Old Covenant can't see that it is because of their own shortcomings. Cheers, Tim
JANE HINRICHS
Your post brought back a memory from long ago when I had just gotten out of the Army to care for your newborn son and my husband was in south America. This son of ours is 16, almost 17 now, and at that time in life cell phones were nonexistent as well as email (at least for the common person). I remember when I finally got a call from him. We also couldn't call often because telephone calls were so spendy. So when I heard his voice after weeks, even a couple of months without talking to him, it was amazing. I had a connection with my Love! Fast forward 17 years when he is now a cop and days apart are so long and the job seems to always come first -- when he calls me on the phone in the middle of the day, I love to hear his voice. OK, sorry....tangents there. Something God has shown me lately is to use the daily chores of our life, especially the ones we don't like to do, to get in communion with Him. Like Brother Lawrence doing pots for Jesus, we can worship and spend time with Jesus while doing dishes or folding clothes. For in my house, no one runs to help me with these chores so it is the perfect time to be alone with God. maybe during Lent we call can find the times in our day we can spend with Jesus when we are doing daily "stuff" that has to be done. That is the kind of stuff that can be made holy. Actually that is the perfect stuff to make holy since it is always with us, always has to be done. Couple that with God's presence, and glory to be God, we spend more time with God.
Brenda
You put into words in your first paragraph of ,What I Mean, perfectly. This is a scenerio in which military spouses like myself have been trying to explain to ourselves and to people with "Normal" life's for ages. There is nothing more comforting than having your spouse in the same home with you when you know its only temporary. I have been told by my husband at times that I am creeping him out because I literally stare at his face and want to wear his t-shirt to bed that he wore under his flight suit all day just because I love the smell of having him near me in my dreams. Although military life is challenging, some days are more challenging than others. I truly believe God only gives us what we can handle. Sometimes I think he thinks I am stronger than I really am. But I do believe he has a plan. A military spouse treasures each moment, each day, each phone call, each interaction whether near or far more than the average Joe. I feel this is sometimes a burden but in the big picture I try and see it for what it is. My marriage is a gift! I treasure it so much and it hurts so badly to be apart. But those reunions are parallel to the day I said "I do!" Just last night my husband was telling my kids at bedtime how they need to be even better for Mommy when he is away. Our kids said, "But Daddy we are always good for Mommy." Which is mostly accurate. He explained that it is harder for Mommy when Daddy is away because we are team and when her teammate is away it makes the daily game even harder to play. Getting flowers and chocolates is easy for people that are in the daily grind of civilian life. Which are lovely of course. But when you are woken up at 11PM by a tired man who is not your husband in a flight suit in the freezing snow to full fill your husbands wish to get flowers to his bride on Valentines Day, when he couldn't call, and his return was delayed once again, that is a Valentine worth remembering. (Valentines Day 2010)
REBECCA-CHRISTOPHER MILLER
This is a really lovely post. I like your perspective on how Lent can be about deepening the connection with God, rather than doing works apart from grace.
Doreen Ashley
Tim, you're right, and that's a great catch on the "separation" semantics. It would more correctly be called a perceived separation.
Doreen Ashley
Tim, you're right, and that's a great catch on the "separation" semantics. It would more correctly be called a perceived separation.
Tim
I get what you're saying Lisa. If we don't concentrate on God, sometimes we forget that we're in his kingdom. But I don't think the Bible allows us to call this is a separation from him. Theologically, those semantics don't hold up. After all, once we are in his grip nothing can snatch us from his hand (John 10:28-29), nothing - which includes ourselves, of course - can separate us from him (Romans 8:38-39), and Christ is actually in us always (Colossians 1:27, Romans 8:9-11). You don't get any closer than "in". Cheers, Tim
jason taylor
Do we really need to learn about Kate and William's love life? Telling stories like that, rather requires prying, don't you know. The fact that they are a prince and princess doesn't really change that.
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