Why a Funeral Is Not the Time to Rejoice
A funeral is, most certainly, a time for reflecting on and being reminded of the Christian hope; the Book of Common Prayer calls for a prayer that asks God to confirm in each heart the ancient truths of our faith:
"help us, we pray, in the midst of things we cannot understand, to believe and trust in the communion of saints, the forgiveness of sins, and the resurrection to life everlasting."
Yet even if we have unshakeable hope in the Resurrection, death shakes us, especially when death occurs suddenly, violently, or to a young person. But even when someone very old or very sick and death ends their great pain, death is no friend. Paul calls it an enemy.
English priest and poet John Donne wrote a famous sonnet to Death ("Death, be not proud") which puts death in the context of resurrection—"one short sleep past, we wake eternally/And Death shall be no more; death, thou shalt die." While I love this poem, I wonder if its message was one needed more in its own time than in ours. Donne's wife, Anne, bore 12 children in 16 years of marriage before dying in childbirth; two of their children were stillborn, and three died before age 10. They did not need to be reminded of death's horror. Indeed, what they needed to hold fast to was the promise that in the scheme of eternity, death was merely a "short sleep."
We have absorbed this message a bit too well. I have been to a number of Christian funerals that were blithely referred to as "celebrations," as "homegoings," as "graduations," with the assumption clearly throughout that the only story we Christians can tell about death is that "to be absent from the body is to be present with the Lord"—which, though true, does not tell the full story. In our own context, most of us do not have to face death as bluntly and as frequently as did John and Anne Donne. When the arrangements are made by professionals, when sleek "life celebration" photo displays are created, when bodies are trussed and trimmed to look as if they're lying in bed, insisting that Aunt Jodie is "in a better place," that Uncle Joe is "no longer suffering," or that baby Jane is "in the arms of Jesus" can hide from us the ugliness and decay and (almost) irreversible loss that death represents.
Theologian N.T. Wright warns readers not to assume that Jesus' disciples expected for Jesus to rise from the dead. They didn't. For them, Jesus' death was a devastating loss, not simply of a dear friend and teacher—which would've been bad enough—but also the loss of the hope of the peaceful kingdom they'd hoped that he would establish. They weren't tapping their fingers waiting for Sunday morning. They were mourning. If they expected to see Jesus again, their expectations would have been mouldering corpse rather than glorious Christ. It's this—this bursting forth from life from a place of mourning—that Christians have ritually reenacted for millennia in the observance of Lent and, especially, of Holy Week. The fasting of Lent makes space for the feasting of Easter; wallowing in the horror of death makes space for glorying in the hope of the Resurrection.
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Andrea
To Jim... Jesus wept. Lamentations includes much pain. Elijah cried out to God. If we are not allowed to mourn at a funeral when are we allowed to mourn? Where is the balance between grief and joy. Yes, there is joy in the morning, but there has to be grief first. If you are not allowed to cry at a funeral when are you allowed to cry? We're not talking about decades of crying...but our culture won't even put up with one day of crying.
Andrea
To Jim... Jesus wept. Lamentations includes much pain. Elijah cried out to God. If we are not allowed to mourn at a funeral when are we allowed to mourn? Where is the balance between grief and joy. Yes, there is joy in the morning, but there has to be grief first. If you are not allowed to cry at a funeral when are you allowed to cry? We're not talking about decades of crying...but our culture won't even put up with one day of crying.
Doreen Ashley
Kristen -- yes. As I was reading this article I was reminded of the chapter in Lauren Winner's book Mudhouse Sabbath on the practice of Shiva and how the family are given time to mourn, and how the friends and relatives just come and sit with them. Her purpose with that book is to show how Christian practice can be informed and enriched by some of the Jewish traditions -- she also gives ways Christians do things well, but I think you may be right in that sometimes we are not given time to grieve -- often we have to "put on a strong face" when we just want to be wailing and mourning our loss. There is a time for grief, and a time for celebrating the lives of loved ones. I think we need room in our lives for both.
Doreen Ashley
When I go, I hope people will miss me enough to shed a tear or two - otherwise I will have wasted my life here... I agree that the promise of future resurrection should comfort us in our present loss, not seek to "gloss over" our pain because it makes other people uncomfortable. Even Jesus cried and mourned the loss of his loved ones - we should be gracious enough to allow others to do the same.
Rebecca
We don't do mourning and grieving well in our culture. We praise an unemotional, stoic widow for "holding up well", even for being godly and rejoicing at her husband's "graduation", but would be aghast if she flung herself weeping on the coffin, or if she didn't return to her perky old self a few weeks later. I've been to quite a few funerals. Two especially stick put on my mind. Both were Christian young men who had touched the lives of many young people, both in and outside the church. Both services were packed with hundreds of people. Most of the mourners were too young to know the proper way to grieve at Christian funerals in America. Or maybe they simply weren't about to conform to norms they didn't agree with. Guys from the surfing community came barefoot, because that is their tradition. No one was afraid to weep...even loudly. No one was afraid to laugh, either. The girlfriend of one of the young men composed a song that she sang and played at the funeral. She wept so loudly while walking to the piano that I was astonished she could pull herself together long enough to play and sing so beautifully. Strong young men told stories of their friend, alternating between laughing and crying -- and some literally had to hold each other up. They hugged...cried...laughed... I knew both mothers. The tears, the outpouring of grief, meant so much to them. When we lose someone that precious to us, it means so much to know that we do not grieve alone. It means so much to know how many lives our loved one touched...and how beloved he was. Our grief does not in any way diminish our faith and hope in what awaits us in eternity. At both funerals, the young people there didn't judge each other with, "Oh, they are grieving as if they have no hope!" The gospel message was preached. One of the young men had a habit of not saying goodbye to fellow Christians; instead he would say, "See you forever!" Those were the last words on the video shown about his life. God powerfully used both funerals to bring into the kingdom more people who we will see forever. But I think these young people would have been less drawn to a gospel proclaimed by those who seemed out of touch with reality and their own feelings, and who could only deal with life when it is neat, tidy, quiet, and happy.
Tim
Esther, that C.S. Lewis quote is from ch. 1 of "A Grief Observed" where Lewis was writing about the death of his wife. Tim
Tim
Esther, that C.S. Lewis quote is from ch. 1 of "A Grief Observed" where Lewis was writing about the death of his wife. Tim
Esther
Great article. Where can that C. S. Lewis quote be found?
Esther
Great article. Where can that C. S. Lewis quote be found?
S. McBride
I would hope and pray that my family and friends would celebrate my life when God calls me home. I don't want people mourning so that they go into depression. When a child of God dies, yes the people's lives that were touched by them will be sad and grieve the loss of their smiles, hugs, encouragement and them bring around period. But again, a child of God's life can be celebrated and should be called a Celebration of Life. They died physically but are still alive spiritually. It's ok :-).
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