Should You Let Your Baby 'Cry It Out'? A Christian Response
When Psychology Today ran an article titled "Dangers of 'Crying it Out'," my response was, perhaps predictably, jaded. I read the article, then clicked over to one of my "Birth Clubs" on BabyCenter to watch the ensuing fun while I nursed my seven-month-old. It took a while for the drama to start—when I landed on the page, everyone was up in arms about extended-rear-facing versus forward-facing car seats—but before my daughter had finished nursing, someone had linked to the Psychology Today article. And the insults and name-calling began.
In case anyone is curious, the Mommy Wars are alive and well.
"Dangers of 'Crying it Out'" didn't cover any earth-shattering territory. Written by Notre Dame psychologist Darcia Narvaez, the article described the psychological harm done by leaving an infant to cry to teach "self-soothing." Mommy War veterans will recognize many of Narvaez's points as reminiscent of Penelope Leach's headline-making arguments of 2010, and William Sears's headline-making arguments that date back a lot longer. Their conclusion: Leaving a baby to "cry it out" increases their stress hormone cortisol, which can be toxic to the developing neurons in baby's brain. "Crying it out" can also undermine trust, impair self-regulation, and threaten lifelong health.
Narvaez credits behaviorist John Watson with launching the "crusade against affection" in his 1928 book Psychological Care of Infant and Child. So far-reaching were Watson's anti-affection endeavors that a government pamphlet from that time instructed new mothers to "stop [holding the baby] immediately if her arms feel tired," as "the baby is never to inconvenience the adult."
(As the mother of four, I find the idea of a baby never inconveniencing an adult hilarious.)
Fast-forward to today, Narvaez states, and we have a plethora of parenting theories and manuals that are just as damaging as Watson's. Specifically, "letting babies get distressed is a practice that can damage children and their relational capacities in many ways for the long term."
Personally, I'm not a fan of "crying it out." The science behind theories such as Narvaez's seems plausible. I also find it noteworthy that the Creator both designed babies' cries to be highly grating on adult ears, and gave mothers the ability to feed and comfort their children, feeding that renders the baby's crying impossible. On a practical level, our family has six people—four of whom are small children—sleeping in three bedrooms that are feet apart. Letting the baby "cry it out" would mean waking up the toddler, the preschooler, and the second-grader, which would lead to a lot more crying for all of us. None of this seems prudent or even necessary, when I have the means to comfort my baby within constant arm's reach.
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rita
I think parents who judge parents using cry it out method for their babies, has never ever had a baby who keeps waking up every hour at night time. I have 6 months old baby, I have been waking up with my little girl every hour at night for the last 6 months. She is post - colick baby, this is why she's never learned how to self - sooth herself to sleep. I was a big fan of attachment parenting initially, but now I realised that this doesn't work with all babies. Now she cries a lot, almost every bedtime and it breaks my heart, but she is so much better rested, cause she is able to sleep 5- 6 hours at a time. Perhaps crying isn't good for babies and their brains, but sleep deprivation and depressed mum isn't good either. I just simply didn't have any other option, cause we tried EVERYTHING!!I don't support parents who use crying method for babies who wake up every 2 to 3 hours, because you can cope with that, but there is cases like mine, when you simply can't function next day, because you have no sleep for half a year and no help from other family members cause we live abroad and my husband is mostly away. Not to mention that baby used to be all the time overtired, because she couldn't rest properly, since she needed my assistance every time she woke up. So please don't judge me or others who have extremely fussy and unsettled babies, because what works for majority of babies,doesn't work for those post colick ones.
Amy A
Taking God's Word out of context to prove your point is a dangerous thing. God is our comforter...He also disciplines us and makes us wait on Him. He answers our prayers in His time...not our's. Let's just be careful to not pull out scriptures to prove a point, and then ignore the ones that contradict it.
Amy A
Taking God's Word out of context to prove your point is a dangerous thing. God is our comforter...He also disciplines us and makes us wait on Him. He answers our prayers in His time...not our's. Let's just be careful to not pull out scriptures to prove a point, and then ignore the ones that contradict it.
carol
to reply to your reply..I put "Christian" in quotation marks because that is what I have had told it was. I have studied scripture and child development and disagree that it is "man's ideas of whitewashed in CHristian language". What book would you recommend that is more hermeneutical correct??? If you did recommend a book, I am sure someone(s) would prefer another book that is just as "sound hermeneutically" than that one. The comments from other ladies on this website is more "ladies ideas of Christian language" and taking bible verses out of context to support their view on letting or not letting a child cry it out. If you think I should read a short course of Hermeneutics, maybe suggest to all the mothers who wrote about their view on using Scripture to support their stance that they should read since what they are doing, many mothers are still frusturated. Parents use the Bible all the time along with other resources. I use Babywise because it deals directly with the issue of this forum: letting or not letting a baby cry it out. the end!
carol
to reply to your reply..I put "Christian" in quotation marks because that is what I have had told it was. I have studied scripture and child development and disagree that it is "man's ideas of whitewashed in CHristian language". What book would you recommend that is more hermeneutical correct??? If you did recommend a book, I am sure someone(s) would prefer another book that is just as "sound hermeneutically" than that one. The comments from other ladies on this website is more "ladies ideas of Christian language" and taking bible verses out of context to support their view on letting or not letting a child cry it out. If you think I should read a short course of Hermeneutics, maybe suggest to all the mothers who wrote about their view on using Scripture to support their stance that they should read since what they are doing, many mothers are still frusturated. Parents use the Bible all the time along with other resources. I use Babywise because it deals directly with the issue of this forum: letting or not letting a baby cry it out. the end!
TulipGirl
"* a friend recommmended BabyWise which is the most balanced and "Christian" advice I have read and since I have put those principals to action, my son has a routine, knows what is expected and I have been able to give great reports when people asked about this and that than mothers who have never heard of BabyWise." Sadly, the materials by the Ezzos (authors of the secular book Babywise) do not reflect sound hermeneutical principles. Their teachings are man's ideas whitewashed in Christian language, not a true reflection of Biblical principles. It sounds good initially, I know -- been there, done that. More delving into Scripture led me far away from those ideas. I would suggest reading this "Short Course on Hermeneutics" written by a lovely pastor who has since passed away. Most of his examples actually come from the GKGW and other Ezzo materials:
TulipGirl
"* a friend recommmended BabyWise which is the most balanced and "Christian" advice I have read and since I have put those principals to action, my son has a routine, knows what is expected and I have been able to give great reports when people asked about this and that than mothers who have never heard of BabyWise." Sadly, the materials by the Ezzos (authors of the secular book Babywise) do not reflect sound hermeneutical principles. Their teachings are man's ideas whitewashed in Christian language, not a true reflection of Biblical principles. It sounds good initially, I know -- been there, done that. More delving into Scripture led me far away from those ideas. I would suggest reading this "Short Course on Hermeneutics" written by a lovely pastor who has since passed away. Most of his examples actually come from the GKGW and other Ezzo materials:
Carol
I have read all these comments and cringe at some of them. I am a new mom, have a degree in Psychology (focused on counselling and human development), and a Christian. My points are this: * doing what "feels" best for the child usually is not the best for the child and you (short and long term) * doing what you want to do because it makes you "feel" better also is usually not the best (short and long term) * Quoting scripture to support comforting a child no matter the reason immediately is very bias and more self-serving * I hate when my toddler son cried, but sometimes I just let him cry unless it is a wailing...you learn what is a cranky, tired, hungry (look at the schedule you made), wet diaper, etc. * a friend recommmended BabyWise which is the most balanced and "Christian" advice I have read and since I have put those principals to action, my son has a routine, knows what is expected and I have been able to give great reports when people asked about this and that than mothers who have never heard of BabyWise. * I have watched other mothers and father parent, I am not perfect, but I do know that there is a balance when parenting and letting a child cry. My son cries during the night, but now I can tell if its serious or just a crying in his sleep. That's the summary of my and other's experiences of mothering/fathering.
Carol
I have read all these comments and cringe at some of them. I am a new mom, have a degree in Psychology (focused on counselling and human development), and a Christian. My points are this: * doing what "feels" best for the child usually is not the best for the child and you (short and long term) * doing what you want to do because it makes you "feel" better also is usually not the best (short and long term) * Quoting scripture to support comforting a child no matter the reason immediately is very bias and more self-serving * I hate when my toddler son cried, but sometimes I just let him cry unless it is a wailing...you learn what is a cranky, tired, hungry (look at the schedule you made), wet diaper, etc. * a friend recommmended BabyWise which is the most balanced and "Christian" advice I have read and since I have put those principals to action, my son has a routine, knows what is expected and I have been able to give great reports when people asked about this and that than mothers who have never heard of BabyWise. * I have watched other mothers and father parent, I am not perfect, but I do know that there is a balance when parenting and letting a child cry. My son cries during the night, but now I can tell if its serious or just a crying in his sleep. That's the summary of my and other's experiences of mothering/fathering.
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