Owning Redemptive Grief after the Ohio School Shooting
As I delightfully absorbed the uncommon winter morning sunshine on my drive home from a medical appointment, I flipped on the radio—only to hear there'd been another school shooting. This time it was a few hours away in Chardon, Ohio. Instinctually, I turned off the radio. I began praying for the victims and for their families, as well as for shooter T. J. Lane and his family. These guttural groans are my five loaves and two fish offerings when destruction is unleashed into the world.
What prompted 17-year-old Lane to do wield a .22 caliber handgun against his peers, sleepily sitting in Chardon High School's cafeteria Monday morning? Was he fractured by his fractured family and domestic violence? Did he turn into an aggressor because of bullying? If his actions resulted from bullying, why did he confess to randomly selecting his 5 victims, 3 of whom died this week? Why did he have easy access to a firearm? To what extent are his parents/guardians morally culpable? These and other questions surface as we feverishly try to figure out both why a reportedly caring young man like Lane committed such a heinous crime, and how to do our part to prevent future school shootings.
I think of the victims and their families. Three teenage boys—Daniel Parmetor, Russell King Jr. and Demetrius Hewlin—have died. One victim remains hospitalized and another has been released. Though I've lost my share of family members and friends, I've never lost a child and can barely imagine the valley-of-the-shadow-of-death grief these parents are facing.
In his book Lament for a Son, philosopher Nicholas Wolterstorff writes about his own grief after his 25-year-old son, Eric, died in a mountain climbing accident. Reflecting on the Poet Gerard Manley Hopkins's notion of inscape, Wolterstorff, a Christian, writes:
… a thing had inscape for Hopkins when it had some definite character. In one of his letters Hopkins speaks of the pain he felt when a tree in the garden, full of inscape, was chopped down. Eric put inscape on things: the way he dressed, the way he cooked, the way he shook hands, the way he answered the phone. 'And I wished to die and not see the inscapes of the world destroyed anymore.'
There is a death that occurs within us when we see the inscapes of the world destroyed. These parents in Chardon lament the loss of the inscapes. Death is the starkest reminder that the world isn't the way it's supposed to be—that life wasn't intended to be cut short. As Rob Moll writes in his book The Art of Dying, even though death is all around us, we find that we are "strangers to death." I believe this is so because we all, each one of us, has eternity in our hearts (Ecc. 3:11).
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Comments
Lyndsey
"Not only did Lane take the lives of others, he has in some sense destroyed part of the inscape of his own family members and schoolmates." I hear that, Marlena. It seems so unjust -- that someone would destroy the inscapes of others. But then I think, every time I say something cruel, I am also harming another person's inscape. Maybe that's what Jesus meant when he said, "You have heard that it was said to those of old, You shall not murder, and whoever murders will be in danger of the judgment. But I say to you that whoever is angry with his brother without a cause shall be in danger of the judgment."
Lyndsey
"Not only did Lane take the lives of others, he has in some sense destroyed part of the inscape of his own family members and schoolmates." I hear that, Marlena. It seems so unjust -- that someone would destroy the inscapes of others. But then I think, every time I say something cruel, I am also harming another person's inscape. Maybe that's what Jesus meant when he said, "You have heard that it was said to those of old, You shall not murder, and whoever murders will be in danger of the judgment. But I say to you that whoever is angry with his brother without a cause shall be in danger of the judgment."
Paul Coneff
Thank you for sharing in a way that we focus on the need to grieve - honor our losses. Jesus fulfilled prophecy as "man of grief and sorrows," who lamented over Jerusalem, identifying Himself with parents who grieve. Jesus fulfilled prophecy as He hung on the cross, He cried out "Why?" without receiving specific answers.... So He could embrace all our grief, all our loss, so we can honor and own our losses, bringing them to Him. As we connect His story of loss, with our story of loss, we can also enter into His resurrection story, where He also fulfilled prophecy as the Son of Righteousness, "rising with HEALING in HIS wings," (Malachi 4:2) As a Marriage and Family Therapist, and with the prayer and discipleship ministry I am a part of, I see a lot of loss created by sin and evil. And I love seeing the Lord connect His story with our story, expanding our story to include His healing presence. Jesus honors our story so we do not have to 'dis-own' it. And in doing so, redeems it while we wait to meet those with love on resurrection morning. Paul Coneff www.straight2theheart.com
Shan
Thank you for this article. I'm saddened by the loss of more youth and that there are other parents who are now grieving the loss of a child. I'm glad you mentioned not using the standard cliche's that most people want to throw out. Although the intention is good, they do not help. The journey of grief is a long one I am trying to come to grips with. I wish no parent has to bury a child, it is devastating and heartbreaking among other things. God Bless you for your article and please keep all grieving parents in your prayers. A grieving mother
Doreen Ashley
"even though death is all around us, we find that we are strangers to death. I believe this is so because we all, each one of us, has eternity in our hearts (Ecc. 3:11)." I just made a similar comment in a response to the previous post, but you have stated it so much more articulately and beautifully here. So true - this visceral, gut reaction we have to death. It is evidence to me that it is an aberration when relationships are interrupted by death. And yes, people need time and opportunity just to mourn. Thank-you for this sensitive post.
Ferree Hardy
Well said, Marlena. Thank you for not trying to explain why this happened or to judge anything that might come of it. Now is the time to weep with those who weep. No need to say a word, just open up to absorb the shock, horror and pain of ALL these kids, of this entire community . . . and never, ever forget.
Cindy Steffen
Thanks, Marlena Before this happened, I had been thinking about grief, after someone at my retreat expressed a grief realized. I think grief is one of the most powerful bonding experiences when we embrace it and share it. Breaks down all our pride and differences. Thank you for your beautiful writing.
JANE HINRICHS
Thank you Marlena for this beautiful post. Grief is part of life, but it is a part that takes us by shock and surprise. We must grief in our own way. Everyone is on their journey. We cannot grieve for another hurting person, but as you said we can be there for them. Only God can bring peace and restoration. Even if we've experienced a loved one dying it is still a shock to realize how final death is in this life no matter how long our loved one has been gone. I love the quote you shared in the end by Wosterstorff, especially "I am one who lost a son." That speaks volumes to the heart when other things just can't.
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