How to Smartly Engage with the Young Doubters in Your Midst
In high school, I entered a skeptic phase that eventually led me out of the doors of the church. My parents saw it coming. My dad started taking me out to breakfast at a local diner, the kind of spot cops go to after the night shift. We ordered omelets in a corner booth and, in between bites of egg and onion, started talking about God, faith, and philosophy. I wanted to know: Why does God wage war in the Old Testament? Why does God seem distant and inaccessible? And why would a good God allow suffering?
"How can I be certain of anything?" I asked him one Saturday morning. "How can I be sure that what I believe is true?"
My dad listened. He affirmed my questions and challenged me. But nothing he said kept me from leaving the church a few years later. While I was home from college visiting my parents, I overheard my mother say to my father, "Why are we spending so much money to watch our daughter lose her faith?" I could hear the panic. Her child was walking out of the sanctuary and losing her way in the world.
My mother didn't know it at the time, but I had become a statistic. Barna Group recently released the results of a five-year study on why young people are leaving the church. The "Faith That Lasts" research project comprised eight national studies and included interviews with 18- to 29-year-olds (both current and former churchgoers) who were active in church at some point as teenagers.
The study focused on reasons for "disconnection from church life" after age 15 and identified three distinct patterns of loss: prodigals (those who lose their faith), nomads (those who wander from church but still maintain faith), and exiles (those who feel caught between church culture and the larger society). While 30 percent of U.S. Christians ages 18 to 29 stay faithful to church and faith, roughly 60 percent leave the church either permanently or for an extended period of time and typically fall into the prodigal, nomad, or exile category.
What's going wrong? What can we do to keep young people inside the sanctuary? Should we be concerned, or is this church-fleeing trend just faith refining itself in a new era?
One of the concerns young people commonly voiced in the study is that church feels unfriendly to doubters. This particular critique has less to do with a polemical topic—be it sex or science—and more to do with whether the church welcomes dialogue in the first place. It encompasses all other concerns by asking the question, is there even a safe context for us to talk about doubts?
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Sir Thom
Ahh, but if the kids take a serious interest in history or archaeology, especially if they spend any amount of time reading contemporary mainstream work by researchers who have no particular interest in either proving or disproving some religion or another, then you have lost them forever no matter how accomidating you are, brother.
Emily Sauerman
Have you guys heard of Q Place? It's a ministry that helps Christians set up safe and respectful small groups for people with questions about God. Check it out at QPlace.com. Also, they are hosting a gathering called Vital in October which is the best opportunity to learn more about it, qplace.com/events. I facilitate one of these groups myself and it ROCKS!
june
i am a 17 year old girl and was looking for some advice as its so hard going to a public school and right now i am about the only christian in most of my classes. I would like to also say how sad it is to hear all these complainments of how the churchis failing and how they dont provide the right category or whatever with people your age.Isnt the church me and you. the church is not the pastor all the building, its everyone. how about all the complainers do something about it. pastors are not perfect. people should get up from their negativity and talk to their leaders about making changes in certain things or what we are preaching. If you try that at several church and are not being heard then maybe u can complain all you want or start a church of your own for that fact. thank you, i dont mean to be rude by the way
John Richardson
You doubters and unbelievers (and maybe some hecklers) are welcome in this discussion. I often hate hearing things you say, but that's the way it is with some of my best friends, too. When I get past the initial sting, I'm really glad to have heard from you. And we all need you around. And thanks to you believers out there, too. Yes, there is comfort in hearing from others who believe the same way I do. Kind of like being with someone who appreciates a great sunset - or WB cartoon - as much as I do. I think God tells us to praise Him so that we can feel that same kind of joy... only magnified greatly. Wish I could write more, but I'm on a break.
Ann
Sorry I meant to write "Going to church isn't a 100 percent necessity in a Christians life - IT does not make you Christian." not the word nor. Being a church goer does not make you a Christian - it is not a requirement to being a Child of God and knowing Jesus. Yes He may lead us to go for various reasons (from us growing from learning from various people - to using us so we can show others His love) but if He knows it is a place where we have experienced great hurt I would only go with His clear leading after developing a deep relationship with Him myself and knowing and standing on the bible first.
Ann
Anon I am so sad that this has been your experience of the church. That is not what God has called the church to be like at all. No church is perfect but we are suppose to strive to love one another not to drag people down or kick them when they are down (which I have seen a bit as well but not to the degree you have it sounds like it) - they are suppose to encourage and love and build up the people. Sometimes then it is best to develop your own relationship with Jesus outside the church - to come to know Him yourself in a personal relationship even if this is over many years. And then afterwards - you don't have to but only if you want to - only then when/if you feel like you know Him well enough and His love for you strong enough and feel like it may be safe to go to a church to be part of it (if He leads you to go - and ONLY then if at all) go. And maybe even not so that you are feed (though you should be) but more so that you may be able to be an example of what and who Jesus is to others in the church who may need His love shown to them as like you they were not shown it. I would also suggest another type of church than one you typically go to if that has been your experience in the churches you have walked in. Not all are perfect but some are better than others. Not saying now or ever (as you said you never will again) but just saying just in case if you ever at one point do decide to have another go in years to come. But our Christian walk is not about our church visits - it is about us knowing Jesus whether we go to a church or not. So if you do ever go you would need to develop your own relationship with Jesus and make that strong - very strong - so then if anyone hurts you or teaches wrong teachings you have Him and His Word to stand on. And only if you ever felt safe to do so which would depend on your relationship with Christ and His leading. Knowing Jesus through personal bible study, worship and prayer is different to being involved with a church. Though they sometimes go hand in hand - Jesus is always first in your life before a church. Going to church isn't a 100 percent necessity in a Christians life - nor does not make you Christian. A Church is suppose to be where we live our lives in relationship with our family in Christ. But obviously to many are still babies in some churches. If you can never face a church again at least learn who Jesus really is and come to know Him for He loves you more than you know. And how people around you - family, friends and church people have treated you are not an example of who He is. They have failed in showing who He is greatly. He is not a punisher, rather the opposite of a grace giver to people because He understands our brokenness more than we can realise. What your boyfriend did to you is certainly not Christian behaviour or from the Holy Spirit at all. And I can't believe that someone said that to you regarding your boyfriend and future husband - that is so wrong. God doesn't want anyone physically or emotionally hurt and neither does He prompt them to say such hurtful things - for them to do that in Jesus's name is very wrong. He loves the broken hearted (Psalm 34:18 The LORD is close to the brokenhearted and saves those who are crushed in spirit) and binds up their wounds. He takes care of His children and covers them with His wings. Those people acted outside of the Gospel of Christ and told you lies and deceit. That is what the devil does. That is not how God feels about you at all. That is totally wrong. He loves you more deeply than you can know right now - look at Jeremiah 31:3. I have been where you are to a degree and God has used His scripture and a few books to help teach me about His love for me. A couple are - The Love Every Woman Needs by Jan Mcray, Whats so Amazing about Grace by Phillip Yancey and Lord I want to Be Whole by Stormie Omartian - who was abused as a child by her mum to but God taught her about His love for her and she has ...
Anonymous
Ann - yes, i agree with most of what you said. one woman at the church i used to attend said that women who get raped wear short skirts - in other words, if something bad happens to you, it's because you did something "sinful" to deserve it. where in the bible does it even discuss skirt length? i guess you don't find out that you're sinning until you get raped. another woman at another church that i used to attend told me that god allowed my boyfriend to emotionally terrorize me into breaking up with him and also slap me across the face, because god wanted to "give me the hint" that he didn't have a husband planned for me (and, yes, he was a *wonderful* christian). i was already devastated over the loss of that relationship, so to hear even more discouraging news that god just didn't want me to get married and was "punishing" me for the sin of going outside his will and trying to land a husband was the last straw for me. i left the church, and i had to move back home again (during that time period) where my mother took the opportunity to beat my self-esteem into the ground (as if god had not already provided enough discouragement in my life). i just stopped believing that anything would ever go right for me in my life, and i started to protect myself from god and the church. you said that there are people who don't hold these beliefs in the church, but the majority (i'm talking 99.9% of church people) do believe these things. even websites like christianitytoday.com preach that god will bring you a husband in accordance with his perfect timing, perfect will, and perfect plan IF he wants you to have one. it doesn't even make any sense. if god only gives marriage to people who he wants to be married, there wouldn't be gay marriage. if you ask a christian to explain why god condemns homosexual relationships, but then actually *blesses* gay people with marriage, the excuse i always hear is that god's ways are magical and we can't understand them. so, basically god is willing people to go against his will (but only so that he can enjoy willing a punishment on people who don't live up to his arbitrary standard). of course, it doesn't need to make sense for christians to believe it. i don't blame single men for not wanting to be part of the church. i have some theories as to why. i believe at least part of the reason is that christianity has become a set of popular catch-phrases that don't make sense and also have no biblical basis. men tend to be more logical than emotional, so it doesn't surprise me that they want nothing to do with this nonsense. i'm an emotional person, and even i don't want anything to do with it anymore. you would think single men would love to go to a "singles" group made up of predominantly women, but the quality of women in the church isn't good either. i used to go to a church where the entire singles group was all women who were all overweight and all on anti-depressants and all going to the same counselor (and, no, i'm not exaggerating). i was literally the only skinny single woman in the entire congregation. the church is where hope goes to die. as for my ex-boyfriend, i read on his twitter account nearly seven years after we broke up that he still doesn't have the super-skinny supermodel of his dreams that he thought god would drop through the sky for him (his biggest issue with me was that a size 6 wasn't skinny enough) - and he's almost 30 years old. he posts all kinds of crap about christianity and god, but he didn't treat me with love and respect when we were dating. what i believe is that he passed up an opportunity for marriage and family in exchange for looking for someone *better*, and now we're both older, alone, and probably never going to have the opportunity to marry (especially him since everyone thought he was ugly). it's sad to say, but i don't even want to date a guy who goes to church. we live in a horribly broken world. and, unfortunately, things are just ...
Ann
Those who are leaving the church please remember that the church is not Jesus. God will judge all churches (Revelations). They are imperfect. He will also bless those who do good but yes there are many in wolves clothing within the church. He is Love. He tells His church to love but they often fail. That is why you need to develop a relationship with Jesus and not base your belief on the church or your love for Him on the church but instead solely on Jesus himself. Sometimes opening yourself to Him is not easy, it is painful, it does take self-discipline. Read the bible, pray to Him - it it takes years so be it. If your lacking faith tell Him. Be real with Him. Tell Him your faith is ailing and how you are feeling. If you need to for a year, keep reminding Him. He never promised the path to righteousness was easy. God needs you in His army. Sometimes going to church isn't so much about us being filled but needing to be there to help others along the walk. The more good people that leave the more the wolves can deceive. A lot of people I think fall away from the church because they have a wrong perspective of who God/Jesus is. Sometimes a lot of this stems from viewing God as you do your own parents. He is not them nor is He like them for they are imperfect. I have always found this encouraging - the Fathers Love Letter - just google. Or on Youtube type in Fathers Love letter with also the song Faithful Father (that is the best version!) Please read Deuteronomy 4:29 and Luke 11:1-13 Anonymous who posted May 16, 2012 11:29 PM, you say how some Christians expect God to bring them everything they want - kind of like a fairy god-mother? I agree - they do expect this! I only wish! This is not what He has promised. Yes He may bless people but many Christians suffer for the sake of His gospel, are imprisoned, tortured. Many give up family and friends for His sake. Not sure what Christian circles you were hanging around in but there are others that do not hold this belief. I do understand the new pentecostal theology that abounds - donate and you will be blessed materially in return. But that is not what I read in my bible - (not saying that God doesnt and won't bless some people as He needs Christians in all walks of life or that He wont bless a Christian country as He does). As you even say many beliefs are not even biblical. People need to get back to reading the bible themselves and developing their relationship with Jesus. Though they do have some things right I do not fully 100% agree with this new pentecostal teaching fully. We don't become Christian to get wealth and fame. But rather the opposite, to be servants to all. Though He will always provide our basic needs - not our wants. And He can and does bless us though to. I also agree with you that God does not control every aspect of our lives. That is why He gave us free will. If He controlled everything we would not have free will. This is a hard read but if you can get your head around it it is worthwhile - The God Who Risks - by John Sanders. Again I do not agree with everything they have to say 100percent but it does help in understanding providence and free will.
Michael
I think we'll have problems with young people leaving the church if we equate Faith with Belief. They are not synonymous. We need to deepen the faith of all, young and old, but not to feel threatened when anyone challenge our cherished beliefs. No one should feel exorcised by disbelief, or even unbelief. it's a test of how much we love them. Michael
Rick Dalbey
If all your kids have is an intellectual assent to a set of propositions (which of course is good) then they are easy targets for competiting philosophies. Even if they have a strong apologetic and understand that behind science is a rational God, even if they understand that God does not decieve when the universe looks to be 13.5 billion years old, it is no substitute for first hand experience. God desires to be known intimately. I just returned from a evangelical/Charismatic conference where I saw 12 year olds laying hands on the sick for healing and watched as bodies were healed. I listened as a 19 year old girl spoke prophetic words of comfort to a 60 year old man. As the author of Hebrews says, Jesus is the same yesterday, today and forever. While the canon is closed, His acts and miracles continue to this day. It is the real presence of the Holy Spirit that ultimately turns naive teenagers into oaks of adult faith.
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