How God Makes Beauty from Barrenness
The weather was still chilly on the May morning when I found myself pacing in a northern-Wisconsin parking lot, trying to find a sweet spot in the gray sky overhead where my cell phone would work. My mother and I were traveling together, taking a break from visiting my grandmother in her Green Bay nursing home. A meandering drive southward had brought us to the Spanish-style Carmelite Monastery of the Holy Name of Jesus, which was perched amid gentle hills near Lake Michigan's shore. I was eager to peek inside at the chapel, but first I wanted to check the messages I had received while roaming out of range.
I finally found a pocket of reception and heard the frantic voice of a Fox News producer who recently had added me to her Rolodex of go-to pundits for live TV interviews. She was planning a debate segment on a breaking news topic that day, something right up my alley. She could find a TV station for me to use wherever I was if I could carve out an hour or so for a live shot. She needed to hear from me right away. Was I in?
I paused for an instant, wondering how I might squeeze this into my weekend, then quickly thought better of it and called her up to politely decline. "I'll be unavailable all weekend," I told her when she asked if the next day was an option. "I'm tied up with family."
After hanging up, I took a deep breath and drank in the wide expanse of farmland around me. I thought of how much easier such decisions were these days. I still struggled at times to keep my striving in check. But I had come a long way from where I was a few years earlier, when the very thought of making even small career sacrifices made me edgy. I marveled at how stealthily God works in the soul, one day and one trial at a time. He softens your edges so slowly and subtly that you can fail to notice how far you have come until you have moved on to the next problem. I wondered what other changes God might be working in my soul now, even as I saw no outward signs of progress at all.
Shivering as I realized that I had left my jacket in the car, I began strolling briskly toward the arched doors of the church. Surveying the building's beige, brick-and-limestone façade and the dim outlines of its stained-glass windows, I thought it looked a bit stark, even barren, against the austere rural landscape.
I changed my mind when I stepped inside. No sooner had I entered the sanctuary's warm embrace than I saw a trio of stained-glass windows towering before me, featuring three of my favorite saints. In the center was Teresa of Ávila, holding a tiny replica of one of the Carmelite monasteries she founded and a scroll with her signature line: "God alone suffices." To my right was Thérèse of Lisieux, standing amid roses and grasping an image of the suffering Christ beside a scroll bearing her famous words: "In the heart of the Church, we will be love." To my left stood Edith—Teresa Benedicta of the Cross—crowned by a halo of thorns and clutching a star of David and a scroll that said, "Love will be our eternal life."
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AP
@Renee: Thank you for the link to your blog, and for this window into your lives and what God is doing in the West Bank. You write with very good humor and heart in a volatile situation. @Anonymous: You sound really discouraged, and I think I am there with you, many days. Still, I don't think anyone here is saying that there's anything inherently good about suffering (of any kind), as if God has some "magical purpose" for it. But that is very different from believing He is a good God, who can *redeem* suffering. Sometimes (like in this article) we catch a glimpse, now, of how He is doing it -- not in the way we asked, but in a way that is real and true anyway. I struggle to believe it, myself. But I am coming to think the belief is IN the struggle, not in its absence. Don't give up, fellow pilgrim.
Renee
AP: While I am married, my blog doesn't focus at all on marriage, homemaking, or raising children... my husband and I recently moved to an Arab neighborhood in the West Bank to share Christ with our neighbors. My blog (www.chasinghesed.wordpress.com) is about our journey and the ways that I have been challenged and am growing through this experience. I hope you may find it both encouraging and challenging.
Patricia Milazzo
Thank you for a great article. There always were woman who worked tirelessly in the Kingdom. We are only re-discovering those who gave their lives so willingly for the love of Christ. I too had to comes to terms with the fact that God's purposes for my life are exactly that-HIS purposes. Children or no children, marriage or no marriage-I am His. That absolute trust of His great love is a hard lesson learned but great joy in the finding.
Cathi
Cindy, Thank you, you've put to words my thoughts exactly, I too feel like a second class citizens amid the families and groups at church, waiting for my reward... And maybe some day soon I will need to step back I release it all... Already thirty-five, married for twelve, some days I ask myself what am I holding on to,holding out for?
Susan Spicer
Anonymous, I hear you. Seems like that sometimes.
Anonymous
I feel like every article on this website pertaining to women is about preparing them for a lifetime of singleness and infertility, because, after all, the ratio of single women to men in the church is 100 to 1. Why can't just one article acknowledge that most women in the church will not be able to get married and have children, because men just don't want to be part of the church instead of making it into something spiritual like God wants you to be single and barren because he has some magical purpose for your life.
AP
@Julia: Thanks. It looks like you're doing great work! Your bio says three Pulitzer nominations? Not too shabby. (!!) :) @Cindy: So true about those blogs ending in announcing pregnancy, engagement, etc.! I read (another) one of those just this morning!! I mean, God bless 'em, but I so appreciate much more the stories of faithfulness even when God *doesn't* seem to be holding up His end of the "bargain" (oh -- which He didn't actually make with us!). Which is not to say there is not sometimes tangible blessing in this life -- there is! -- it's just not distributed along any discernible system or pattern. The theology of "reward" when it comes to waiting [for any godly longing] is greatly warped in our current paradigm. The biblical narrative shows many more examples that "it rains upon the just *and* the unjust." A genuinely godly life does not force the hand of God to bestow material (including familial) "prosperity" anymore than an ungodly life guarantees a lack of prosperity -- or even "happiness"! The Psalms are full of lament at this unjust state of things in the world. The cry of the poor {and the poor in spirit} is dear to God. He hears, and He is very near. His Kingdom comes in our *desire* for Him to make all things right, and our willingness to partner with Him until He does, regardless of what's "in it" for us right now. [...am stepping away from the mic now....]
Cindy
Thank you for this post! So often the blogs about childlessness end with an "I'm pregnant" announcement and how God rewarded them through their painful yet patient waiting. It pains me because I know I will never have biological children and often I feel like a second class citizen/Christian for it. Afterall, children are a reward and I have not been rewarded. So thank you for reminding me that if I humbly cooperate with God in my life I can still be fruitful in bringing Him glory; that His plans for me don't end with my barrenness.
Julia Duin
For AP: I am single and I have a blog (click on my name below this post and you'll get it) about life as a journalist, single mom and college professor first in DC and now in western Tennessee. Bogs are great but they rarely pay. But books do. But it's next to impossible to sell Christian publishers these days on a book about singles. It's a market they're not interested in. I was telling one that I'd love to do something for single adoptive moms, as I am passionate about encouraging more women to take the plunge. "Too niche," one publisher told me. I would also like to write more for conservative women who have a hard time asking for better pay at the workplaces. We're taught to be submissive to our employers but while we're toeing the line, others in our office (mostly the guys) are walking off with salaries 20K-30K more than ours. But my agent said it'd never float in the CBA (Christian) market; he'd have to try the ABA (secular) marketplace. There are voices out there, but they've a hard time being heard.
Ester
Dear Colleen, I am so glad that I found you again! (My Catholic TV-network broke down a year ago and is not fixed yet for different reasons), but with it I lost track of you also! Today when I posted a prayer on a Catholic website I see an advertisement of your book. I am overjoyed at the thought to read about your spiritual journey. Before this day is done, I want to say to you: I experience an immense portion of Mary, our mother's motherhood through you... who you are, what you do, the way you do it. If their is anything like the "feminine genius", you are my role-model of just that! I love you. You nurture the spark of divine life in my soul! Bless you, mother of many such children, I am sure of! Ester from South Africa
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