How to Deal with Insensitive Christians
I cringe a little whenever I hear a sideline reporter interview an athlete after a crushing loss—which happened a lot during the Olympics. When the heavy favorite underperformed or simply didn't medal, the reporter asked questions like this, in an attempt to get the athlete to say something worthy of Sports Center:
"You came in as the favorite tonight but seemed to struggle all night. What happened?"
The athlete, trying to be gracious (and avoid a frustrated response), usually responded quickly before cutting the conversation short.
Similarly, in the wake of tragedies like Hurricane Sandy, we watch news media assemble in devastated areas, trying to tell the victims' stories to a watching nation. We see the weeping grandmother trying to recover what's left of her home with a microphone in her face. While the reporters presumably mean well, they don't always give people the space needed when their world is falling apart.
I once heard someone say that she refrained from asking her infertile friends how they were doing because of a bad experience with trying to reach out. After genuinely trying to show support, but was met with a standoffish response when her friend was struggling with her inability to get pregnant. That scared her from asking another hurting person how he or she was doing. She just didn't want to be the reason for someone else's pain.
Trying to serve suffering people can be daunting. What if they aren't doing well that day? What if we bring up the pain just when they are ready to move on? These are all legitimate concerns. And because we often feel so badly for the one suffering, we feel pressured to not cause any more unnecessary pain.
We've all faced a barrage of comments from well-meaning friends. And while the words are delivered with the best of intentions, they often sting. In the days, months, and years following my miscarriage and our subsequent infertility, I faced a similar dilemma: Do I shun every person who makes an insensitive or poorly timed comment? Or is there a better way, even if it means my heart breaks a little more each time?
As the one who is hurting and suffering, it is easy to retreat. We are the victims in the situation, aren't we? Should we really submit ourselves to more pain when life alone seems to be the source of so much heartache?
Sometimes, yes.
Nancy Guthrie, speaking at a recent Gospel Coalition Conference, has a lot to say about how hurting people respond to those who are trying to minister to them. In her message "Is Your Church a Safe Place for Sad People? Learning to Walk With Each Other Through Loss," she speaks from her own experience of having lost two children to the same genetic disease shortly after birth. But she encourages suffering and hurting people to make it easier on their friends and family by bearing with them when they say the wrong comment or ask the wrong questions. Guthrie intended for her message to equip churches in their ministry. Her comments would have also helped my friend.
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How To Deal With
Nice post. I like it.
Kay
I was diagnosed with a chronic neurological disease. Thank the Good Lord, it's a mild case, but still leaves me with chronic fatigue and weakness. Most often people who don't know me don't even know I have a problem. So when they ask how I am, I know it's just a greeting or conversation starter and I generally just say "fine" and leave it at that, because for all intents and purposes of that conversation, I am fine. Then there are those who know I have health issues. They sincerely ask how I'm doing. If I'm not having a good day, I'll tell them. Often they say, "Oh, but you look so good!" I've learned to take that as a compliment, instead of being offended that they don't really understand how I feel and challenges I face with an "invisible" disease. However, those who are my friends, know that though I may look well, I may not be. With them, I can be more transparent and tell them what's going on with me. Yet, sometimes they may say something that is unintentionally hurtful. I try not to take offense. We all say insensitive things in spite of our best efforts. We are human and we make mistakes. I believe this is the case with everyone. We don't bear our souls to a stranger or mere acquaintance. The closer we are to a person, the more we will share our true selves. But there is One who knows us best, and He know our every trial and weakness. The least we can do is to be forgiving and gracious to those who may not know what to say, but are trying to be encouraging.
Kelly
Thanks for this article. My husband is battling stage 4 cancer, and he was so young and healthy, seemingly, when diganosed, many were shocked and did not know what to say. Right or wrong, it does bother me that many people think they need to have a LOT to say. We saw my brother over Thanksgiving, after learning my husband had some progression, he launched into a sermon about suffering, and mentioned another family member who had died from my husband's illness. I stopped him. On that day, I did not want to hear it. "We are just here to have a happy thanksgiving" I told him. He pleaded that he felt he needed to minister to my husband. My thought was, OK, that's selfish. What WE need right now is to not talk about cancer, and just eat some turkey! So, I do not have the answers, except be very sensitive to where the sufferer is in the moment, if possible. The BEST thing ever said to me was a relative who absolutely did not try to have the answers. He simply said, "Man, this really sucks. This really sucks for you guys." I loved that. Don't offer false hope, don't feel you need to be our care pastor, and don't be an expert in what we are suffering, just be with us in the suckiness.
Andee
I believe that our skins is a bit too thin as Christians. Part of the journey is to trust God when we are in pain from the issues we face on this planet. Every time we try to get our needs met by someone else failure will eventually occur, or they will say the wrong thing, or misunderstand. Keep your eyes on Jesus, He is in control, He cares and He knows what is going on with you. Sisters be brave and love each other, no one is perfect. Don't be easily offended - love see past those types of things.
cz
Very interesting read. After reading the comments though, I now wonder, how should one respond?? do you stay quiet or ask after the perosns well being? I dont think there is a right answer. Some are offended if you dont say anything and some are offended if you do !
Me
I somewhat disagree. I know folk have good intentions but I will not keep subjecting myself to insensitive remarks and more heartbreak just for the sake of being nice. I lost my son last year, I know people don't know what to say but I don't need advice from anyone especially if you haven't walked that journey. Just provide a shoulder to lean on. As far as moving on, not going to happen but I would like people to remember and say my son's name, even if I do start crying. I wasn't going to forget my son passed and then oh no someone mentioned his name. I think about my son every single solitary day, all through the day but I don't want people do act like he didn't exist. That's further insensitive or when I mention his name they try to change the subject. That makes me want to avoid those people.
Karen Holmberg-Smith
Thank you for the excellent article, and the excellent responses. I have just one comment to add: As a pastor, as well as a widow, I find that people who say "how are you?" are not being insensitive. It isn't a dumb question. It is obvious that they often don't know what else to say, and what's behind the words is "I love you, and I don't know what to say, but I want you to know I'm thinking about you."
Tim
Oops, bad link. Here it is: http://timfall.wordpress.com/2012/09/24/flying-lessons/
Tim
Years ago I was going through a really rough patch, feeling raw every single day. Even the most well-meaning offers could reach into those sores and leave me in pain. I didn't strike out in response, but I also did not encourage their efforts. Sometimes saying thanks and hoping they'd leave me alone was about all I could manage. Prayer was about the only thing that did not throw me off. My wife was really good at sensing when, and she'd pray over me constantly. It's a lesson I learned well, and try to remember when I am with those who are hurting. (I wrote a brief piece on that lesson recently here, in case anyone is interested: http://timfall.wordpress.com/2012/09/24/flying-lessons/) Then again, who's to say that this is what will minister to that person' hurts? I don't know. Thanks for helping me think through these things, Courtney. Tim
Becky
Here's a song Charlie Peacock wrote to people who feel pressure to say something: Now is the time for tears Don't speak Save your words There's nothing you could say To take this pain away Don't try so hard You can just simply be Cry with me don't try to fix me friend That's how you'll comfort me Heavenly Father cover this child with mercy You are my helper through this time of trial and pain Silence the lips of the people with all of the answers Gently show them now is the time Now is the time Now is the time for tears
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