Can Breadwinner Wives Be Happy?
In many ways, Sandra Tsing Loh and I couldn't be more different. The Atlantic writer is feminist, liberal, foul-mouthed, and cosmopolitan. At 50 years old, she has a successful career and a boyfriend.
I, on the other hand, am not too many steps removed from what my college friend called "a prairie muffin." You know, the stay-at-home Christian mom who bakes whole wheat goodies while wearing a modest denim dress.
Tsing Loh is divorced, due in part to her own infidelity, and subsequently wrote an anti-marriage tirade. My husband and I have a date this week to exchange love letters and celebrate the ten-year anniversary of the night he got down on one knee and proposed.
"The Weaker Sex" is Tsing Loh's latest skeptical look at marriage. Her Atlantic article has an intriguing subtitle: "How the new gender economics has more and more professional-class women looking at their mates and thinking: How long until I vote you off the island?"
Earning money is complicated when it's wives who are doing most of it.
If we met at one of her DPM (divorced professional mother) dinner parties, Tsing Loh probably wouldn't admit to having much in common with me. But she and I are not so far apart. We are both daughters of Eve, and, surprisingly, many of the things that have hurt her relationships are the very things that I struggle with, too.
Her frustration with her partner, her tongue-in-cheek fantasy of not one but four different husbands to meet her various needs, her inner selfishness that demands something from her mate in return for her efforts—all of these are familiar even to my complementarian, housewifely self.
She places the blame for her tense relationships on economics: "If the woman still does the bulk of the household management and financially supports the household—what is to keep her from becoming … the monster?" She describes her attitude toward overflowing laundry ("is that my job?") and what she calls her economically liberated "unwifeableness."
She contrasts this to her imagined 1950s housewife who cheerfully brings her hard-working husband a "pipe, Manhattan, roast beef, potatoes, key-lime pie."
Except for a period of one year, when I was our family's chief breadwinner in order to allow my husband to complete his master's degree, I am a modern approximation of that economically dependent 1950s housewife.
But I don't think Tsing Loh's wife of yesteryear, with her unquestioning hero-worship of her husband, ever existed. She certainly doesn't exist in my house.
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Jenny Garrett
What saddens me about this article is that what I hear you saying is that women have the same frustrations as we did in the 1950's, surely this is not to be celebrated but a compelling arguments that women must make lives better for themselves. That they should work together to shape the family lives that work for them rather than sticking to roles that neither fit them or their husbands.
pamella najera
I are not so far apart. We are both daughters of Eve, and, surprisingly, many of the things that have hurt her relationships are the very things that I struggle with, too.
Marni Mcfall
We are both daughters of Eve, and, surprisingly, many of the things that have hurt her relationships are the very things that I struggle with, too.
Trish
I totally disagree with this. I doubt every breadwinner woman is on her 4th husband and a raging feminist. Selfish is expecting your parents or someone else to look after you, not paying your own bills. But when you have to pay bills and not get fired sometimes there are not so many choices. What about single woman who ended up that way due to abuse or addictions and have no choice? True that women AND men need to find balance and not sacrifice their families for prolonged periods (sometimes there are crisis and things that must be dealt with) but we deserve to have dreams, accomplishments, and contribute if we want to. This kind of article makes me mad because my kids are proud that I work and go to school. They don't feel sacrificed they feel part of something. Each family must decide what they are ok with for their family. NO where in the bible does it say a woman must stay home with kids. Of course of she can and wants to that is amazing and wonderful.
Tim
KSP(October 11, 2012 1:18 PM) - there you go, being all reasonable again. Tim
Alyson
Um I am renting, okay in this economy its really not a choice for most people who works right now... have you seen the unemployment rates?
Michelle
If I understand correctly, being in the work force exacerbates women's sin problems, but it appears that you assume this is not the case for men. In so assuming you are implicitly claiming that women who aren't in the work force are doing something better or "more right" than those who aren't.
kaitlin
Seems to me like the stay-at-home prairie-muffin housewives like Megan Hill are always seeking ways to imagine that women with careers are "unhappy" or "frustrated". That strikes me as being insecure and unhappy with their own choices.
K.
Sabrina and Kathleen - Amen!
D
Great point, Adam.
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