True Love Obeys: Why We Abstain from Premarital Sex
I didn't know how deep in trouble I was until the words spilled out during a debate at a party. Friends from church were discussing the old evangelical emphasis on "relationship, not religion"—disputing its merit—when I suddenly snarled, "Well, I wouldn't still be practicing chastity if it were only because of [expletive] religion." There was a pause, then after one woman laughed, the conversation moved on, leaving me to ruminate on my forceful reaction.
I've never thought of singleness as especially easy or fun, but now that I'm in my middle 30s, it feels harder. Some days I find myself saying to God, "I want to keep obeying you, I want to make it as long as I can, but I don't know what is in me. I don't know how I would handle certain situations."
Childbearing isn't exactly a race, but sometimes it feels like most of my friends have lapped me multiple times, while I'm still at the start line, trying to overcome a stalled go-cart engine. And that's not all. Even if I weren't having babies, I could still be practicing.
A circumstance like mine is not the sort of thing the abstinence campaigns of yesteryear prepare you for, however well-intentioned they were. As one blogger noted earlier this year, efforts like the "True Love Waits" campaign often hinge on promises that may not be fulfilled and implicitly fault the waiting one when delays happen.
Wait in obedience, and God will bring you a husband.
Wait, and the sex will be better because you obeyed.
Wait, and once you're satisfied with God, he'll provide a spouse.
Whether or not any of these represent official slogans is beside the point; these false promises are the upshot of countless good-hearted assurances offered to single teens and adults by friends and mentors alike. And they all tend to treat the wait as a sort of spiritual penance that one barters to God in exchange for a desired outcome.
In none of those promises does waiting have any value or purpose in its own right. Nor does waiting bear much resemblance to the patience required in other areas of life. When the single season drags on, it's easy to start thinking that you're enduring a unique kind of suffering. Yet, as I've seen friends struggling to wait for a more satisfying job, a child, or a book deal, I've been reminded how many of us have to wait for one thing or another.
But do we say as easily, If you wait obediently, God will bring you a good job, a child, an agent? Or, Wait and the job/child/agent will be better because you waited? Wait, and once you're satisfied with God, he'll provide a good job, a child, an agent? No, no, and no. So what's going on? Why does sexual patience so easily slip into the territory of religion, whereby waiting becomes a means of manipulating and using God to get what we want?
Auditing America's Political Integrity
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Clara
My name is Clara and am from USA. I got married to my high school lover 12years ago, we have two lovely kids and we have been living in peace and harmony ever since. I noticed some unusual changes in him and I decided to asked him why the sudden changes and he told me that all is well, that I should not be disturbed. He started keeping secretes from me, and only to find that he was going out with my high school classmate, but he claimed that she forced herself into him. Things got worse that the kids and I packed out of the house because i noticed that he was not with his rightful senses, not thesame person I used to know. While I was away, I read about one Dr. Uhunoma, and I decided to contact him and i was told what to do, I did all I was told to do, to my greatest surprise, things came back to the way it use to be when we were still in school. Words alone cant tell how happy and grateful i am, so i decided to share my testimony with all those facing similar problem not to hesitate to contact him. You can email him at uhunomatemple@yahoo.com
Trinka
Lots of good thoughts here. I'm repeatedly brought back to face the fact that I'll probably never marry. And I MUST, because the Scripture says it's true, plant my flag on the hill that "God works all things together for the good of them that love Him." There are times that it's easier than others. And it's remarkably hard to find someone to encourage your faith in that area. Most people offer up (already explored) strategies to meet someone, or ideas to make yourself prettier (which ... not so helpful really).
Thalia Guenther
And they all tend to treat the wait as a sort of spiritual penance that one barters to God in exchange for a desired outcome.
Tim
Good point Ashleigh (September 30, 2012 2:24 PM). James certainly agrees with you! (James 1:27.) Tim
Ashleigh
The evangelical disdain for "religion" in favor of "relationship" is something the first Christians would not have even understood. Christianity is a religion, and that doesn't make it any less true, valid, or meaningful. Please stop resisting that fact, people.
Bob
A well-made point we've needed to hear in the church. On a side note, however, does the same reasoning apply to Christians uttering expletives?
Tim
GeeCee (September 24, 2012 4:03 PM) - maybe I missed it, but I don't see something hinting at leaglism in Anna's article. Can you quote a part that "comes across as a bit legalistic"? Thanks, Tim
GeeCee
While I don't condone sex before marriage, your viewpoint comes across a bit legalistic. While I agree with you if you point, please do not let your abstinence get in the way of beginning a meaningful relationship. I know of more than a few women who are "waiting for God to bring them a man" who are absolutely miserable. And because of that misery, they are unknowingly separating themselves from the possibility of finding a good partner through their resentment and bitterness of having to wait. They love God, but they can't understand that their legalism has soured them to the point that they are unfit to be married, saved or not. Please remember that there is a component of grace that's involved in all aspects of Christian living, including when and how we meet our life partners.
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