Don't Call Him 'Mr. Mom'
When strangers see a dad and his kids at the grocery store, library, park, or pool, they make a remark like, "Oh, you're babysitting today." My husband developed a standard response: "No, I'm being Dad." He was gracious, but it was puzzling and offensive to think caring for one's own children could be called babysitting.
Trevor was an at-home dad from the time our oldest was 9 months old to the day our youngest started kindergarten. We opted for this arrangement more than a decade ago, when at-home dads comprised 1.6 percent of all stay-at-home parents in the U.S. In 2011, that percentage had risen to 3.4 percent. That's 176,000 at-home dads raising more than 332,000 children.
While their ranks are growing, dads still make up a very small percentage of at-home parents. This exacerbates a problem many at-home parents face: loneliness. While women have groups, both formal and informal, to help them combat isolation and support one another, men find few companions who can relate to their everyday experiences. One father, quoted in Wall Street Journal, said "when he took his kids to public parks, 'moms would talk over me as if I was not even there.' "
My husband got the cold shoulder from moms at the park, but was fortunate to make friends with another at-home dad who lived a few houses away. They spent a lot of time together, working on home improvement projects while the girls played together. Some men have a harder time.
In addition to excluding them, it's ironic that women often show dads the same kind of—I suppose the right term is maternalistic—attitudes and behaviors our paternalistic brothers sometimes show in the workplace and elsewhere. We laugh over ironic images of men in domestic situations, like Porn for New Moms, mixing desire with mocking. Yes, they're funny, but only because of our assumptions about men. Would they be funny if they were pictures of women doing the same thing? Would we find them funny if they depicted hapless women in traditionally male roles? We patronize dads as they care for little ones, saying things like, "Isn't that cute?" and "Here, let me help you with that diaper." We fuss over them the same way powerful and insecure men might be tempted to fuss over women when they're changing tires or using slide rules.
As those condescending attitudes become less acceptable when aimed at us, we must drop them when they're turned the other way. Women had to fight to prove they could do what men had been doing for so long. Men shouldn't have to prove they can be skilled parents. This means more than just showing confidence that dads can do what moms can do—we need to affirm that it's okay (good!) for dads to be dads.
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Hogan Hilling
Mrs. Simpson, Amy, Thank you so much for writing a wonderful article. When a dad is caring for a child he is not there to replace a mom's role. I came out of the pantry in 1991 and was an at-home dad for 20 years and the children are still breathing. I would like to applaud today's at-home dads because they are much more confident, secure and pro-active. While they all tackle their daily parenting duties with pride and grace, some also volunteer time to their communities and the National At-Home Dad Network. I hope you will consider writing a follow-up article about the NAHDN and the convention they host every year. This year will be the 18th Annual At-Home Dads Convention in Denver, Colorado. www.athomedad.org I’d be happy to assist you with the article. You can reach me at mediarelations@daddyshome.org. Sincerely, Hogan Hilling, Proud At-Home Dad, NAHDN Board Member At-Large and Media Relations Chairperson
Spiritual Images
Thank you for your article Amy! It was very inspiring. Hope it will inspire other people and help them improves themselves.
Matt Peregoy
Thank you for this article, Amy! It is incredibly important that the church recognize the needs of their congregations. There are fathers in our pews who need to know that there is more to "providing" for a family than bringing home a paycheck. If the church encouraged more fathers to be actively engaging their families in emotional and spiritual matters, instead of sitting idly by while moms handle that "fluffy stuff," the world would be a lot better off. Encouragement starts with recognition, and it is clear that you "get it" when it comes to recognizing the sacrifices and challenges that at-home dads face. I can only hope that the church continues to embrace and support at-home dads in their congregations.
Rachel Stephan Simko
My husband has a semi-flexible schedule and so he frequently will have my daughter for a morning or afternoon. It's great fun for both of them. Actually, I'm pretty sure he's better at making friends at the park than I am! But that's just his personality -- he doesn't let people put him in a box. I am extremely shy at the park or storytime at the library and am more prone to isolation. (evenonesparrow.blogspot.com)
Tim Fall
Nice job Amy. When I would take the kids on errands, to the park, help out in their classroom or whatever, people might try to put the babysitter, Mr. Mom, dad's day or something similar on it. But I'd tell those people "What I'm doing is called parenting." It might catch them off guard, but it might also lead to an illuminating conversation. Parents loving and caring for their children honors our heavenly Father who loves and cares for us. How could all us parents, moms and dads, not want to be like our Father in that regard? Cheers, Tim (timfall.wordpress.com)
still learning
Are these single dads? Or are their wives out working?
Sheila Lagrand
I delight in watching my sons-in-law be dads to their young children. Even though I like to think I run with a pretty progressive crowd, a few of my friends were stunned to hear that one of my SIL cared for his four-month-old daughter for a week while my daughter was away on family business. And everyone lived to tell about it. :)
Jay Knudsen
Thank you so much for addressing this topic. No one asks a women when she goes to work if she is a Mrs. Dad. I have told people that I am a "Mr. Dad" when they call me Mr. Mom. I am sure that there will always be criticism of stay at home dads just as there is criticism of women who work outside the home. It would be nice if there was a fundamental shift in mainstream Christian circles, including complementarians, to recognize SAHD's as a legitimate way to serve and provide for their families. The post industrial WWII model of a Christian family is changing, we need to celebrate our gifts and blessings rather than dividing over differences that only impede the furthering of His Kingdom.
Tyler Watson
Thanks for this article. As a pastor who stepped aside from church ministry to be an at-home dad, it is a great encouragement to read this in Christianity Today.
Al Watts
Fantastic article Amy! I've been an at-home dad for 10 years and have tried to explain to people for years how nothing was wrong with my masculinity when I stepped out of the workforce. You have explained it better than I ever have! I hope everyone reads this and begins to understand that a man taking care of his children is not "Mr. Mom." He is simply "Dad." Thank you!!!
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