Women may possess and exercise any spiritual gift…These gifts are a stewardship from God...The conviction that each believer, including the pastor's wife, is equipped with spiritual gifts from God, endowed and sustained by the Holy Spirit, should be the point of departure for discovering her God-intended role in the Body of Christ.
The attention directed to pastors and their wives, whether followed by TV cameras or not, has grown as American churches evolve. We have more giant franchises and fewer mom-and-pop shops, so to speak—more megachurches, fewer small community-based houses of worship. Big-name pastors with big followings build their own "brands," and this push for success often pressures the pastor to find contentment in how his family looks, acts, and is involved in the church's ministry. We need to allow pastors to be pastors without asking for their families to be perfect, too. They aren't, and to pretend otherwise does everyone a disservice.
Also, as congregants, community members, readers, and Facebook fans elevate their views of a pastor, that exerts further expectations on his wife. We have to remember: it is a job, just like any other job. A person is no more holy for being a pastor than he is for being a plumber, and to value one more than the other is not only foolish, it is tantamount to blasphemy. The more we can understand that, the more we give freedom to the women married to pastors to live into what God is calling them to do with their own unique gifts.
That said, it is not a bad thing to enjoy supporting your husband in his work. It is a good and necessary part of marriage. What I believe is harmful is when a woman's identity gets subsumed by her husband's. One woman I know, whenever she is asked what it is like to be a pastor's wife, replies simply: "I'm not." She is married to a man who is a pastor, yes, but that no more defines her than a woman who is married to grocer or salesman or accountant. She is not the "first lady" of anything. She shrugs off the false pressure. For so many women, the pressure that they feel being married to a pastor is just as much internal as external.
God has given you good gifts to be used for the flourishing of his kingdom. Your primary calling is to be faithful to him in using those gifts, whatever they are, and regardless of what anyone else might try to tell you to do. And hopefully, we can just go back to good old-fashioned doling out roses for reality TV.
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audrey ruth
S Griffin, I think Tim Fall's point was that there is no Biblical precedent (thus, no reason) for calling pastors' wives First Ladies. I have attended black churches where that did not happen. I have also attended a black church whose pastor is a woman, and her husband is not called the First Gentleman. It is also true that not all of the women in this TV show are black. Two of them are Caucasian.
S Griffin
Tim Fall, you do realize that in black churches the pastor's wife is referred to as the "First Lady"? Not sure when it started but that's how it's been since I was a child. You also have a "Church Mother" who is the oldest mother in the church.
audrey ruth
Having watched a few of these episodes and praying for these women (and their husbands and churches) as I did so, I have to agree with Jim Ricker. It saddens me to see such blatant (and not only accepted, but even expected) materialism in these families and churches. The "kingdom" statements some of these women make seem to imply that they are above reproach -- I don't see much humility here. One husband/former pastor said something to the effect of "You haven't been married until the law has been called to your house." Really??? The pastor's wife who wanted a ritzy bachelorette party before she and her husband renewed their vows, and proceeded to come on to strange men during it, before she looked up her former pimp (I'm not kidding) almost took the cake. But, really, the worst thing of all seems to be the hateful attitudes/downright cattiness among these women. I don't see any "sister" relationships at all -- mainly what seems to be rivalries. It's beyond sad.
JULIA STEIN
I am a wife and a pastor. It occurred to me while reading this article that perhaps the men out there who are finding themselves "pastor's wives" may be able to help buck the steriotype of what it looks like to be the spouse of a pastor.
Loreli Cockram
I am a pastor's wife... This article REALLY made me process what my "role," "position," "identity" is! There are stereotypes of pastor's wives that have clouded the way and I'd like to propose a NEW understanding. Had to write a blog about it: http://wp.me/phCVA-zf Thanks for getting the conversation started! *Loreli*
Deserie Fernandez
I thought the show was pretty on point.I give them props for being who they are on tv.They are more fearless than most christians I come across.They are on their own journey and own it. God is working stuff out in their lives & its a process. Although most pastors wives did not sign up for the position of pastors wives just demonstrating simple kindness isn't too much of a stretch is it?I have yet to come across a pastors wife who isnt bitter, over assuming, super "discerning", afraid,wearing a mask, controlling and/or just completely non existent.We are all role models influencers to some extent. If a pastors wife does not want to be in the spotlight I say just be real and say so. Maybe then people will be more willing to be who they really are too. Honesty is the best policy and no one can do it all. Im not here to be your everything-the end. I have way more respect for that then people being non existent or wearing the mask of elitism
Rachel Stephan Simko
"It is an antiquated and strange notion to view a woman as an extension of her husband's occupation. Yet for some reason, we insist on doing this with pastor's wives." This is why, every time my husband confesses he wants to become a pastor, I fill with anxiety. Ultimately, we'll do it if God really wants us to, but I absolutely cringe from the idea. I've seen what churches can do to pastors and their families, and I am NOT a typical "pastor's wife," nor will I ever be. My consolation is in witnessing the un-pastor-wifey-ness of my own pastor's wife and how everyone still loves her. It CAN be done, but it is not without struggle. (evenonesparrow.blogspot.com)
Jessica Parker
This article affirms my recent hope to offer Life Coaching to the population of pastor's wives! I absolutely believe that a wife of a pastor has been made uniquely for a purpose, which is not only to support her husband, but to also fulfill the purposes God has given her because of the passions He has laid on her heart! If you are a wife of a pastor and would like to explore this, please contact me! I would love to help! www.coachjes.com. I'm so thankful this article was written!
Hannah Anderson
As the wife of a pastor, I appreciate your caution that we not lose our individual personhood to a role or expections of a congregation. However, I have to disagree that being the wife of a pastor is the same as being married to a man in any other profession. Unless of course, your family is expected to show up at his workplace three times a week. Truth is there are a lot of professions were the line between family and work blur. And really, being a doctor or a lawyer is not like any otber profession either. Perhaps instead, we can give each other the space to draw boundaries that work for us as couples. That may mean that a wife is heavily involved or not, but we must allow for a variety of circumstamces and personalities.
Nancy Lee
When I married my husband, he was a teacher, and since then he's changed careers and is now a pastor who specializes in counseling. When he first began working at our church, we got to meet with our head pastor and his wife, and they asked about fears or concerns. I told them I felt there might be new expectations that I start teaching Sunday school or playing piano (none of which are gifts/abilities of mine!). They were WONDERFUL, and encouraged me to keep on pursuing the unique callings on my life, which include leading a ministry that reaches out to women who work in our city's sex industry. While my church leadership has this attitude, I know many do not, and women married to pastors are under tremendous pressure (especially those whose husbands are the only pastor on staff). They deserve freedom from human demands to be a certain kind of woman (whatever that is) so they can be freed to fulfill God's call on their lives.
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