Women Need to Say 'No' More
After reading about the self-defense exercise, I jumped up to go find my husband. He was upstairs in a steamy bathroom, shaving his head. "Hit on me for a full minute with yes or no questions," I commanded.
He dipped the razor in the sink. "Will you help me shave my head?"
"Maybe later. But first you have to hit on me for a whole minute."
"That was my first question."
I objected. "What kind of nutter would ask a strange woman to help shave his head?"
My husband grinned. There was a blob of shaving cream on his eyebrow. "Hey, lady, whaddaya say we get busy with some minty eucalyptus foam? It could happen."
I gave him my best Terminator stare. "I'm setting my watch. Start over."
"You want some popcorn?"
"No."
"Can I buy you a towel?"
"No."
No, no, no, no—I said it over and over, with gathering emphasis, with rising rhetorical thunder, like Daniel Webster. So vociferously did I decline that I was sure no foamy masher would ever mess with me. When the minute was up, my husband congratulated me on my firm boundaries. Then I went downstairs, because by then I really wanted some popcorn.
God has a nice sense of timing. If you start working on a weakness, you can pretty much count on an immediate opportunity to practice what you're working on. The very next day I found myself in crisis mode. Mind you, my crisis did not involve carjackers or assault rifles. But it tore me up inside. Saying no would inflict hurt. It did. But that's not the point. The point is that I finally said no after five hours of worry and fear.
As I tried to screw my courage to the sticking point, I kept replaying a moment from the church nursery the previous Sunday. My husband was reposing in a glider rocking chair, a chunky baby in each arm. The director popped in and asked if we would work the following evening, for a function we both wanted to attend. My husband didn't miss a beat. "No." He didn't convey regrets. He didn't look apologetic. He didn't say another word, unless you count, "Dude, did you just spit up on me?"
Such a small moment. What feminist wouldn't note it? I knew all along what I would have to say. Yet thinking about gender constructs didn't help me much. In the end what helped was this. We all have a divine assignment—a skillset, a calling, a pearl of great price. Unless we learn to say no, we wobble off course, too busy or distracted to complete God's assignment on our lives.
The Seminary Gender Gap
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Comments
Cicely Duke
@ Jack Ratekin - Compare the percentage of fatherless boys in Canada vs. the U.S. and you may be on to the correct conclusion regarding the cause of criminality.
Jim Ricker
Over 50% of those who caused auto accidents in the Western world play race car games. Conclusions?... Correlation is a far cry from causation.
Heather Munn
No kidding, K. Smith! Apparently correlation is causation? Also, good article.
K. Smith
Jack Ratekin - I think we need a lot more facts before we can link Christianity with the level of violence in the US.
Julia W.
This article made me laugh out loud--really great. I completely understand the anxiety the author discusses. Really good read!
Tim Fall
"... to issue the necessary syllable from the rocking-chair of calm." That is a worthy goal, Rhoda, and one that truly does open ourselves up to saying yes to God. It's a skill Jesus demonstrated as well (Mark 1:35-39), so developing it seems to me to be part of conforming to the likeness of Christ. Cheers, Tim ( timfall.wordpress.com )
Andrea Giesbrecht
Yeah, this is familiar! You know what's helped me? Knowing that if someone is upset by my answer, that it's not my problem. It isn't! Yes, I can be sad that they're upset, but if my "no" is reasonable (99% of the time, saying "no" *is* reasonable!), how they react to that "no" is their problem, their issue, their fault, not mine! It is not up to me to save the world. It is not up to me to do everything. That's God's business, not mine. If He tells me to do something, then I should do it. If it isn't Him telling me, then I have every right to say "no". I do not bear responsibility for anybody else's happiness or wellbeing. I can help, yes - but should I help? Depends. (BTW, I read your book. I'm Mennonite myself, by culture, so of course I had to pick it up! It gave me plenty to think about.)
Jack Ratekin
Here's an interesting fact: Canada is the 4th most peaceful country in the world, While the U.S. ranks in the bottom half. The United States has almost twice as many Christian churches per capita as Canada. Conclusions?.....
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